From: Natalie@yabbs
To: all@yabbs
Subject: re: manic depression...
Date: Mon Apr 11 22:53:01 1994

This is the first decent sex scene I've ever written.  I'd like comments 
on it, please please please.  It would make me very happy to have comments 
for this.  

Dearest Love,
    Every night I lay here in my bed and remember the time we spent 
together.  I remember every detail.  Every kiss, every touch, every 
fervently whispered word.  ANd it seems so odd that I had never thought of 
you or myself in such a way before.  I was beautiful that day, you made me 
beautiful.  I will remember that.
    You walked up to me in the park, and sat down.  I was reading a book.  
You took the book from me and looked into my eyes.  We had met before, but 
never quite like this.  There was an attraction between us that I had 
never felt before.  You looked around, to see if anyone was looking.  I 
didn't know why you cared who saw.  I do now.  But then, I didn't think.  
All I knew was that you were kissing me, and I was kissing you back.  Then 
your hands were touching my arms, moving up to my shoulders and around to 
my back.  I reached up and twisted my hand in your long dark hair.  It was 
like silk in my hand, slippery and smooth and soft.  YOu pulled me to and 
I lost my balance and fell on top of you.  The feel of your body and your 
arousal on me made me feel...I don't have the words.  You rolled me 
beneath you and I was even more excited to feel your skin on mine.  I 
tugged at your dark shirt and put my hands on your back.  Your skin was 
warm to my touch, I could feel the muscles moving under my fingers.  Your 
hands moved to my hair, holding me to you.  I wanted to stay this way 
forever.  Then, when I didn't think it could get any better, one of your 
hands caressed my cheek and landed on my shoulder.  Then you were pulling 
at my shirt, and I heard a noise deep in your throat as your hand snuck up 
the back of my shirt and touched my skin.  I felt my heart begin to beat 
faster as your hand slowly, too slowly, unhooked my bra.  I wanted you to 
touch my breasts.  I wanted to feel beautiful.  I wanted you to think I 
was beautiful.  I wanted to be beautiful.  Your rough gentle hand 
deliberately caressed my breast.  I could feel the tension in you, as you 
tried to go slowly.  But I didn't want you to be slow or careful or to 
think about what you were doing.  I justwanted to feel everything I could 
feel; that I had ever dreamt about feeling.  You paused for a moment and 
took your shirt off.  I looked at you.  You were beautiful, more beautiful 
than I had imagined.  You leaned back and pulled my shirt off.  I blushed. 
 You told me not to be embarassed, no one could see us.  We were 
surrounded by bushes and trees.  I wondered how you knew I was here.  You 
told me you knew such things.  Then you kissed me again.  And both your 
rough gentle hands held me down and slowly touched me.  I dug my nails 
into your back and I heard you moan.  Then you were unfastening my jeans.  
And I was fumbling with your belt.  You peeled my jeans off my legs, I 
felt the sun on my thighs.  I wasn't wearing any underwear.  You laughed 
when you discovered that.  I blushed.  You touched my cheek, my lips, my 
nipples.  I slowly pulled your pants off, then looked away.  I didn't want 
to see it.  I had a phobia.  I whispered it to you, you sais you 
understood.  But I still wanted you, and I told you that too.  You smiled 
a secret smile at me.  I shyly smiled back.  Then, you were pulling my 
legs apart, and you looked at me.  I slowly slowly slowly nodded.  Then I 
couldn't think anymore.  All I knew was that I didn't want you to stop but 
I didn't think I could survive much more.  As I thought I was going to 
die, I felt you in me.  You shifted your weight on top of me.  I gasped.  
I moved my hips, feeling you grind into me, and then I couldn't feel 
anymore.  I was in sensory overload.  You collapsed on top of me.  I 
breathed in and out.  I was sweating.  Your weight was comfortable on top 
of me.  Then, you stood up and yanked your pants up.  Bending over, you 
kissed me one last time as you picked your shirt up.  Then you left me.
    I haven't seen you sincethen, I've looked everywhere.  But you 
disappeared.  No one has seen you.  I sometimes wonder if you were just a 
figment of my imagination.  Yes, I think that is it, I made you up.  You 
exist on the other side from me.  You are waiting for me on that
other side.  I know you are.  I see you in my dreams, beckoning, kissing, 
loving me.  I want to be with you.  Which is why I make this decision.  
Better to be with you and be happy than to be in this world and be no one. 
You made me think I was someone, then you disappeared.  I hate you for 
that, but I want to believe that again.  So I make this choice.  You can't 
fault me for this choice no more than I can fault you for you choice to 
stay away from this world.  
    For I know that I am more than half in love with easeful Death, and I 
know he is in love with me........

                            FIN

Natalie