From: Covenant@yabbs
To: all@yabbs
Subject: gone
Date: Sat Jul  2 18:43:56 1994

She's gone.
I walked away, but she left.
What was I supposed to do?
I know one thing, It wasn't that.

I'm pretty sure I scared her away.
I let too much out of the bag.
How was she supposed to react?
I came right out of the blue.
She never saw it coming.

It always worked in the movies.
I think I almost made it work.
The mystery kept her interested at first.
How do you tell someone who hardly knows you that they're the reason for 
everything you do?
I can tell you a few ways *not* to do it.
Actually, I could tell you volumes.

Why is it that the only thing I ever tried for in my life is denied me?
School, jobs, friends.  I never had to try.
I just wait and things always go my way.
Hell, maybe I shouldn't have tried with her.
I just couldn't take that chance.

I carry her engagement and wedding anouncements in my wallet.
I felt like an idiot clipping them out of the paper.
I am an idiot.  It was 6 months after I had last talked to her.
I think of her everyday.
It sounds like a cheesey romance novel, but I think of her everyday.

I'm safe now though.
I got ironclad excuses not to get involved.
Nine years can provide alot of excuses.
I got plenty.  Trust me, I use them all of the time.

It's not all that bad.
You can turn alot of things off and on in your heart.
It gets easy with practice.
I used to get heartaches.  I'd never known that they actually ached.
Now, sometimes, I don't feel anything.  Not all of the time, but sometimes.
There's no ache.  Just a feelingless empty.  Something's withered.

The body works the same way as the mind.
You can turn it off and on too.
Sure I miss it sometimes.  Actually, I miss the idea of what it must be like.
I guess I shouldn't complain.  Everything else is fine.
I still feel short-changed at times though.
At least I can still feel something.
Getting just a little too self-important..... fuck it.