http://forum.dearingfilm.com//index.php?showtopic=7623&st=10

This was written to Susan Reimer in July 2003 in response to her article
"Grow-up Men! We need you in the family!"

Greetings, Ms. Reimer!

I really enjoyed your article from July 1:  "Grow up, men: We need you
in the family." Wonderful. Simply a wonderful piece of writing.

It was highly relevant to my situation-- mainly because I am one of
those accursed 20-something males who obstinately refuses to 'grow up'
and stick his head in the noose.

Allow me to introduce myself: I'm 28 and am not living in my parent's
home... (I moved-out some 10 years ago). I am sometimes accused of being
good looking. I have an MBA, I speak several languages fairly fluently
and I moved to Japan in early 2001. I simply love it here- my life has
never been better.

One of the reasons I decided to move is because back in 1999 I made a
very solemn vow: to never marry an American woman as long as I live. And
if you bear with me, I would like to explain why (I think you’ll be
somewhat surprised…)

But first, I wish to make a few general observations about your article...

I have noticed that one of the double-standards in American society is
thus: If a woman decides not to marry, she is asserting her
independence. But if a man decides not to marry, he is immature,
irresponsible, self-absorbed and living-out his "adult-olescence" (Boo!
Hiss!)

If a woman does it, it is a legitimate choice. But if a man does it, it
is a character flaw.

Ideally, such sexism should not require me to point it out. But American
society seems blind to those forms of sexism which stigmatize or
disadvantage men. I guess you could say that I first became cynical
about American women when they would oink at me while insisting that I
was the pig. I started to get cynical when they would shame me for
making the tiniest sexist remark… but would soon afterwards laugh at a
cut-off penis joke.

Bizarrely, men are the only gender which ever gets portrayed as being
sexist. The negative stereotyping of males in the media and the blaming
of men for all the world’s ills are a major factor in making me decide
to leave (…but not the only factor. More on that later). It is clear
that men’s respect for women enjoys a higher priority than women’s
respect for men. For instance:

When writing your article, you showed little to no interest in actually
asking a 20-something single man about why he makes the choices he does.
I am very aware of my own motivations for my choices. But no, it’s much
more entertaining to make a list of my purported flaws and failures and
inadequacies.

But in your entire article, this was my favorite quote: "Women, for
their part, are losing patience with this guy."

Oh yes, so saintly are women to put up with us intolerable barbarians, I
know! They were so wonderful to allow me to breathe the same air. But
why on earth would I pursue a woman who views me with scorn and distaste?

As you said yourself, I don’t really have any other positive features
except for my 29-inch waist and my full head of hair (a charming
sentiment). But if I am so incredibly objectionable and uncouth and have
so few redeeming features and if women are so rapidly losing patience
with me… then I should no longer burden them with my odious presence.
Good riddance to me, eh?

Being regarded as an unworthy annoyance seems hardly worth all the
effort that goes into courtship.

I think the phenomenon of men refusing to “grow up”, as you put it, is
far less due to the inability of women to convince men to change their
behaviors than to the fact that too many women have not adjusted theirs
to show the barest bit of common respect for men. Culturally, husbands
seem to have been reduced to the status of walking wallets and sources
of sperm. I find the promise of that existence to be an unacceptable future.

So, let me describe some of the joys of marring an American woman.
Statistically, speaking, of course:

1. There is a more than 50% likelihood that my marriage will end in
divorce within eight years. (Any product which self-destructs 50% of the
time will not have many customers.)

2. Furthermore, if divorce happens, the odds are about 70% it will be my
wife, not me, who initiates the divorce. It may not matter that I was a
decent husband. Studies show that few divorces are initiated over abuse
or because the man has already abandoned the family. Nor is adultery
cited as a factor by divorcing women appreciably more than by divorcing men.

3. While the courts may grant me and my ex-wife joint legal custody of
our kids, the odds are overwhelming that my ex-wife will win physical
custody. Overnight, I might very well become a "14 percent dad" - a
father who is allowed to spend only one out of every seven days with his
own children.

4. Once we are divorced, odds are at least even that my ex will
interfere with my visitation rights. Three-quarters of divorced men
surveyed say their ex-wives have interfered with their visitation, and
40 percent of mothers studied admitted that they had done so, and that
they had generally acted out of spite or in order to punish their exes.

5. Ex-wife will keep the house and most of the assets. I will need to
set up a new residence and pay at least a third of my take-home pay to
the wife in child support.

As bad as all of this is, it would still make me one of the lucky
ex-husbands. After all, I could be one of those fathers who cannot see
his children at all because his ex has made a false accusation of
domestic violence, child abuse, or child molestation. Or I could be one
of those fathers who can only see his own children under supervised
visitation or in nightmarish visitation centers where dads are treated
like criminals.

I could be one of those fathers whose ex has moved their children
hundreds of miles away, in violation of court orders, which courts often
do not enforce. I could be one of those fathers who tears up his life
and career again and again in order to follow his children, only to have
his ex-wife continually move them.

I could be one of the fathers who has lost his job, seen his income
drop, or suffered a disabling injury, only to have child support
arrearages and interest pile up to create a mountain of debt which I
could never hope to pay off. Or a father who is forced to pay 70 percent
or 80 percent of his income in child support because the court has
imputed an unrealistic income to him. Or a dad who suffers from one of
the child support enforcement system's endless and difficult to correct
errors, or who is jailed because he cannot keep up with his payments. Or
a dad who reaches old age impoverished because he lost everything he had
in a divorce when he was middle-aged and did not have the time and the
opportunity to earn it back. Or I could simply commit suicide...
post-divorce men kill themselves about nine times more frequently than
normal.

So this is what is possibly in store for me if I marry an American
woman. Goodie!  A 50% chance of divorce, 70% chance of it being
initiated by my wife over my objections. Half of my stuff gone. My kids
traumatized and taken away from me and turned into pawns so she can
act-out her vindictive rage on me. Zero enforcement of visitation
rights. Alimony masquerading as child support. Arrests and prosecution
for DV on no evidence but a complaint. Debts and suicide. Give me two
heaping scoops please!

Do you think that we men are so mindless and unthinking that we don't
take these things into consideration while planning our lives?

Why won’t I just ‘grow-up’ and drink my poison like a good little boy? I
would have to be an IDIOT to marry an American woman. It is the
stupidest thing I could ever do with my life. And yet, you publish
articles like yours... absolutely confounded and baffled as to why men
aren't lining-up to have their lives demolished! Astonishing!

Ms. Reiner, today’s young men have grown up watching their fathers get
screwed-over. And they want no part of it. They saw their fathers having
no time for children, working two jobs. They saw their fathers dragged
into court for revenge. They've watched their fathers weep and die by
their own hands.

And you wonder why young men are increasingly saying, "No thanks”?
Astonishing!

The fact that many men have quit wanting wives couldn't possibly have
anything to do with the fact that women have been quite willing to make
fun of us for being men and seem to regard masculinity as some kind of
contaminant or pathology. It couldn't possibly have anything to do with
the fact that women have relentlessly been telling us how redundant and
useless and expendable we are. It has nothing to do with their
insistence that we are incompetent as parents, hopeless as cooks and
unsuitable for playing a meaningful role in raising children. No, it
couldn't possibly be anything about the civil rights abuses inherent in
the divorce system. No, it is not even because of anything a woman ever
says thinks or does… It is entirely because of the unfathomable and
incomprehensible quality of young men to prolong their adolescences!

Ms. Reimer, the hard lesson that your female readers really need to hear
is this: by denying and negating our needs, by relentlessly shaming and
belittling our masculinity, by cruelly locking fathers out of their
children’s lives while extorting child support… all of this has killed
our desire for marriage.

Sure, you can heap shame on us all you like. Call us immature. Accuse us
of being afraid of commitment. Whatever makes your female readers feel
superior.

But it will not induce us to marry in greater numbers as long as the
underlying cultural biases and legal institutions remain unaddressed and
unchanged!!

Perhaps if American women stopped thinking of families as their
exclusive domain, but as something they have to include men in. Maybe if
they stopped viewing families in terms of “my needs” and more as a
partnership. Maybe if they stopped seeing husbands as beasts of burden
and more as human beings… well I can dream, can’t I?

Fortunately I consider myself to be great husband material. And great
daddy material, too. It’s really too bad that “aside from a 24-inch
waist and a styled head of hair, there isn't much to recommend the
20-something American female...” (Whoops, sacrilege!)

But I simply adore my Japanese girlfriend. She is wonderful. She treats
me with the amount of respect owed to a human being. She doesn't see me
as a walking ATM machine. She doesn't see me as her oppressor or as a
Neanderthal. She doesn’t joke about kneeing me in the groin or smirk
about cutting-off my penis. She believes that marriage is something that
she should take seriously, not something which can be erased on a whim.
She wants me in her life, she treats me with kindness and generosity and
understanding. She sees my libido is a good thing rather than as a petty
irritant or a means of exploitation.

And, best of all-- she realizes that the position of the toilet seat
just isn't worth fighting about.

One day, I will definitely be a great husband. I actually am the
marrying type and a hopeless romantic. But I will marry on my terms— it
is a choice, not a failure of character.

But whoever my future wife is, she certainly won’t be from your country.
You can bet on it.

--NG
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--
" I'm a man... But, I can change... If I have to... I guess. "
                                    The Man Prayer, Red Green.


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