>>> Continued from previous message
well enough to know it would cause him a great deal of
inner turmoil unless he felt that he fully understood and
was in total control of such feelings *if* he ever
experienced them.  He is the type who would seek to defuse
the situation, and if he could not, he'd terminate the
relationship...  Wow, that would be tough!  Thanks again
for deciphering for me.
   Pat, Reunited Bmom
From:   STEY17D    CURRY WOLFE
Pat, most reunions don't have to deal with GSA, but many do.
It is like falling in love with someone..and if it is not
noticed early on...it may turn into more than it should.
It is good that there are people like Sue Martin here that
knows of this to share so that it is noted and part of the
understandings of reunion.
I don't think you have this in your reunion. And that is
good, of course. But nice to know you considered it..which
means it would not happen!
Sue is a wealth of great info. She has been involved in the
adoption search and reunion movement longer than I-I totally
respect all she has to say!
From:   VQMY36A    JANET KELLY
Sue, I experienced GSA with my son after we reunited. Until a label was
attached to what I was feeling I *did* think I was going crazy. "How
could this be? This is my SON!"  Once I saw it discussed on this bb and
read more about it I realized what was happening and took measures to be
sure the situation to act on the feelings didn't present itself. I, too,
think it's vital that this be a primary subject discussed with people
who are reuniting. Thanks for the reminder.  Jan
From:   FFMJ26B    JALENA BOWLING
Well, we are getting a very comprehensive list here and thats great!!
I'll add a couple more.
16. (Which should be #1,  I tell my people this with the
first contact), ONLY the birth mother has the right to tell
anyone she is a birth mother. You do not have that right.
You have the right to search and expect answers and a
reunion when its possible. You do NOT have the right to
expose her. Just remember, she might be in an abusive
relationship and you wouldn't want to put her in danger.
Also, as my only bad contact in 18 years went, the adoptee
decided upon receiving enough information to find the birth
mother and that he no longer needed me. He took it upon
himself to call everyone with her maiden name in a small town
and say he was looking for his birth mother. Well, she had
not told anyone except her parents.. Seems she had already
been called by a relative. She told him to get lost, that she
was too busy trying to repair the harm he had done and she
had no time for him now and in all probability never. The
rule to remember here is consideration whether before,
during or after a reunion..
17. NEVER make a promise to the birth mother you cant keep.
For instance, dont say you won't tell her children or other
relatives unless you KNOW you can keep that promise. It will
spoil a reunion faster than you can even imagine. I tell my
people not to make any promises either before or after
reunion until they have had time to put the reunion in
perspective and know what they are willing to do or not to
do.
18. (This is a big one with me.) Try to keep the reunion
from being a family reunion. The initial reunion needs to be
as quiet as possible. Its emotional enough without a million
cousins, aunts, uncles, friends, etc. being included. That
can be done later. All it does is exhaust you and you come home
not being able to put names and faces together and the birth
mother thinks you should for you met them, after all.
19. During reunion, try to arrange some time alone with the
person you are reuniting with. You need that time. If
nothing else, ask if she'd like to go for a walk or if you
could go get a cup of coffee together. Just say to her that
you need a little quiet time and you'd like to spend it with
her. She will love it!!!
20. Thought of another one! Fairness. Sue or Gary mentioned
backing off at first. If you promise to be back in touch
either thru letters, phone or visits and you decide you
need more time or can't keep your promise, let the person
know. If it were the other way around, you wouldn't want to
be left hanging. Its so hurtful.
21.Anger. Dont let it ruin an otherwise good reunion. Expect
it to happen. If it doesn't, that's great. But often times, we
hear things we didn't really want to hear. The day I found,
two things happened. I found out 30 mins. before meeting my
grandmother and 2 of the aunts, that my mother was deceased.
I was having enough of a hard time dealing with that since I
was looking for a woman who would have been only 48 years
old. I was also dealing with what she had died from since
the same type of medical problem prompted me
to go ahead and search at that particular time. I was angry
that she was dead. I was angry that many of my questions
would never be answered. I felt rage that she was taken from
me before we had a chance. AND THEN my grandmother who was
young enough to still have children and could have raised me
since she still had an 8 yr old at home, said to me, "We
didn't have much but we had our pride." I was furious. BUT
something stopped me from saying anything and I only nodded.
When I got home, I took it back out and looked at what she
had said. Then it hit me that the time frame I was born in
was not conducive to keeping children born out of wedlock.
We would all have been ostracized. So...I'm not mad. Jalena
From:   CPCG63B    LINDA POSTE
I totally love Sue's rules, and her wry, humorous way of putting it.
One of the interesting things that I have observed in watching a
reunion "up close and personal" is that reunion may be a rather
singular thing, but the developing relationship is not.  It is a
dynamic, fluid "happening", and like most relationships that involve
kids and parents (be they bio, ad, reuniting, whatever) the cards
are usually stacked in the kid's favor, because such is the nature of
the beast.  It takes one tough soul to undertake reunion, and I admire
the courage of all that work so diligently at it. Linda
From:   TUUV21A    GARY KARNS
Hi Linda,
I think you describe a reunion very well. "...dynamic, fluid
"happening"...". Very well put. It's like a river. Always
changing,always flowing. Perhaps not the "direction" we would
prefer,but.... No false modesty here....you're d*** straight it takes
a "tough soul". Thanks for the kind words. Gary  T-Team/bdad
From:   VQMY36A    JANET KELLY
Pat, I too have more peace when I listen to my intuition. When I was
reuniting with my bson, I wish I had known there was help available or
that I would even need help. The same agency that separated us, reunited
us so I should have had a clue about their ability to do well by either
Eric or myself. Of course with my son's problems we would have had
trouble eventually but my having some "guidelines?" would have helped me
so much.  At least I would have been prepared to have such intense
feelings about him, about the separation, about his aparents, about the
lost years, you know the list seems endless.I made so many mistakes, so
somehow I hope the information about this bb and other resources for
people searching finds a way to get disseminated. It can't prevent the
natural process from occurring but it could at least presented a
>>> Continued to next message
 * OLX 2.1 TD * I'm in shape ... round's a shape isn't it?
--- Maximus 2.02
---------------