These were posted on Prodigy along with comments and additions by other
Prodigy readers and I thought each of you might be able to relate to or
use these. I would encourage you to add your own "Rules of Reunion" as
you see fit.  And I certainly welcome your feedback!
Posted by Sue Martin, an adoptive mom who fully supported her
adopted son's reunion with his birthparents.
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                  THE RULES OF REUNION
Yeah, like I know 'em all!  But I have learned some that,
like all rules, have exceptions, so bear that in mind.
1.  Adoptees may "back off", even if they did the search.
2.  Bmoms may not "back off", especially if they searched.
3.  Everybody needs "space", but not endless space.
4.  For those "in space" , a simple card signed
    Love, Suzie at Bday & Christmas is permitted; this can
    go on for YEARS, so do not have "expectations".
5.  SLOW is the signal, especially at the outset.
6.  Do not launch into long letters or angst before meeting.
7.  Not everything is adoption/reunion related.
8.  Expect that an adoptee will express anger, somehow, some
    way, probably not overtly, possibly not even recognizing
    he or she IS angry.
9.  When reunion is new, talk to one another about the bound-
    aries you need to establish with one another.  (Again,
    the adoptee has leeway, but the bmother must retain the
    "responsible adult" role.)
P.S. -- For those who need to go beyond the original contact
person because you have not received adequate information,
first inform that person you need more.  Give a time limit
for receiving more or meeting -- whatever -- only then go
on to other family members, and as ALWAYS be ready to accept
WHATEVER comes, as it is beyond your control.
Additions to "Rules"
10.  (This should probably be #1)  Join a support group for
     YES! SUPPORT!  but also so you can learn from others'
     mistakes/right moves.
11.  Start you own grief work and learn about the grief your
     sought one has probably experienced. This way at least
     one person in your reunion will be somewhat prepared.
12.  Realize, and help your present family to understand,
     that search and reunion will be the focus of your life
     for awhile; that you don't need "advice" as much as
     some "soft shoulders" and "open ears". You are growing.
13.  Search and reunion are as much about YOU as they are
     about looking and finding. Expect to change. Do not
     expect -- or allow a well-meaning family to expect --
     that search will "fix" you.
14.  Remember that real life is "messy" -- unlike fantasy,
     which you can bend to suit.  If you aren't ready for
     "real", and to give up convenient fantasies, don't
     search; CERTAINLY don't contact!
15.  Relatives happen.  Relationships take time and work to
     put into proper perspective.  (Remember this when ex-
     periencing GSA, too!)
GSA is Genetic Sexual Attraction.  My co-leader at
Truth Seekers in Adoption here in Chicagoland was the first
to speak out about it -- that's Barb Gonyo, still manning
the TSIA phones and support meetings once a month.  After
MUCH careful listening,we've about decided that GSA is
really misinterpreted feelings of bonding.  Because the
bonding is happening out of normal sequence, between adults
instead of adult/child or child/child, the desire for
intimacy gets skewed into feeling like desire for sexual
intimacy.  We also find that the female in these situations
has to maintain the taboo; maybe it isn't so surprising that
many males don't see the problem with achieving intimacy
PRONTO, through sex --  not the way to reach the genuine
role relationship (mother/son, brother/sister, father/
daughter). The feelings can be crazy-making for those who
experience them.  We don't know how many reunions result in
GSA feelings, as we only know about it when people 'fess up,
but that's a goodly number. We WARN everybody which helps
a lot and encourages people to talk about what SEEMS to be
happening and work towards the relationships they relly want
to have. It helps to know that it isn't abnormal, but that
the "falling in love" sexually WILL ruin the real future.
(Of thousands of people we've seen reunite, we know only two
couples, both sibling couples, who have given up everything
and EVERYONE they had before to live together.)
  The power of family ties, as demonstrated by these feelings,
is just amazing.  Wouldn't Freud love to be able to study
this?  GSA is also a good argument against adoption, or at
least for adopted persons knowing their birth families as
they grow up so they can integrate them in their proper
roles.
   So, GSA doesn't happen in every reunion. It sometimes is
felt by only one person in reunion. It is rarely acted upon
inappropriately. It does drive people nuts until they
resolve it. Where it exists for two in reunion there is no
hiding it -- spouses and significant others are
particularly keen at seeing it.  What to do?  TALK ABOUT
IT. Don't set up situations where the sexual feelings are
apt to take over. Get to know one another WITH other people
around. Find ways to touch that are appropriate -- there is
skin hunger in the bonding process -- with a therapist
present if that's possible.  One of our bmoms found some
peace in cradling her grown son in her arms in a swimming
pool. A brother and sister visited their mutual granny on
her farm and did kid stuff like cooking and cleaning the
barn with Granny present. Bdads sometimes have a hard time
when female adoptee is spitting image of the loved bmom
"back when".
From:   JLLE65B    PAT HORN
Sue:
  Thanks for deciphering the terminology/abbreviation for
me.  I have seen Patty's posts on GSA... guess I just was
not thinking along these lines at all when I read yours.
 I like your description of it as misinterpreted feelings
of bonding.  The need for bonding is *very* strong, and I
can see how it could easily be misinterpreted by adults who
have not matured together with the usual taboos.
Fortunately, those taboos are deeply ingrained in my own
mind and my son's... I am sure.  Still if the feelings were
not understood, they could produce tremendous guilt and
fear although not acted upon.
  I read about *unchecked* GSA and its disasterous
consequences among adult b-relatives before reuniting.  In
fact, it so frightened me that, before I even met my son, I
checked out his wife's maiden name to make sure he
hadn't *inadvertently* married a birth relative!  Much to
my relief, I found absolutely NO relatives with her maiden
name.  Wheewww!!!  Fortunately hers is *not* a common name,
so it was not too difficult and I was able to feel relieved
right away.  (The protective mothering instinct seems to
need checking sometimes,too!)  In reunions, I would
think that GSA would be a terribly difficult thing to deal
with if the people involved were not mature enough to
realize what was happening. Fortunately, I had read Patty's
posts and reunion books that also address GSA prior to
reuniting.  I do not think it's a problem in my
reunion/relationship with my son.  If I'd seen any real
"danger" signs, I would try to educate him with some good
information on it and then discuss it, but I have not.  I
truly hope I'm not missing anything, and do not believe I
am.  Because I know my son's (and my) strong value system
>>> Continued to next message
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