To: 
From: "Steve Oostrom" 
Reply-To: trekcreative{at}yahoogroups.com

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>Comments on-- Star Trek: Athena "In Fire" by Steve Oostrom


>Orchids:

>The battle with the Borg from First Contact=20
worked being told from a perspective of a=20 ship other than the
Enterprise.  I thought=20 it was a good way to introduce us to Thorpe=20
and other members of the crew.

I liked the idea of linking the start of the series with something that the=
 majority
of the readers would likely be familiar with.

>I liked how Act Two started out with Thorpe=20
watching repairs on the Athena, contrasting=20 with the fast paced nature of Act One.

>I like the relationship between Thorpe and=20
Matsubara.  More than friends, but not=20 really a romantic relationship.

That seems to describe their relationship, as at times Thorpe does not want=
 it
to become more serious because of his position as the captain and her posit= ion
as a subordinate officer.  Other stories in the series elaborates on this
relationship, and it forms a major theme in the first novel "Starry,
Starry=
 Days."
(written, but not yet posted).

>Overall, the relationships between the=20
characters are very well done.  It gave=20 me a sense of who they were and
gave a sense=20 of a "crew" rather than just a collection=20 of
characters in the same place.

>I liked the section where Thorpe and his=20
new first officer, Nadine Johnson, walked=20 about the empty ship.  I
thought this was=20 an interesting way to introduce her and=20 to have them
learn about each other.

>I liked the reference to Exo III.=20=20
Very nice. :)

Originally, I was going to have a scene on Exo III, but decided against it
because I did not want to have the first episode being too long.  I have
at=
 times
considered a "novelization" of the first episode to include all
the things = that I
really should not have left out, but the novelization would not open the sa= me
way as the actual posted story does, and that could weaken the story.

>While I do have questions about the unique=20
nature of Emerelo II (see below) I liked=20 the unusual situation it set up
and the=20 way that presented the crew with a=20 challenging first mission.

>I really liked the in depth character=20
descriptions you give us.  I get a good=20 sense of the characters from these.

>I liked how Thorpe actually struggled=20
with the idea of taking his ship into=20 the planet's atmosphere.  It
wasn't=20 simply shown to be the only solution=20 and then therefore that
was what they'd=20 do, end of discussion.  I liked how=20 Matsubara was the
one who went to talk=20 to him about this.  The relationship=20 between the
two of them is something I'm=20 looking forward to reading more about in=20
the further stories of the Athena.

>I liked the contrast between Thorpe and=20
his Ready Room.  Thorpe, a complex man=20 who thinks things through, yet
his Ready=20 Room he kept "basic and simple."  The=20 character
is someone who keeps his wits=20 about him, no matter the turmoil around=20
him, but he's not some unemotional machine.=20=20 He does struggle with
things.


>Onions:

>While I understand the point of the trouble=20
Thorpe has with command because of how he=20 views his parents' deaths, I
didn't really=20 feel that aspect of Thorpe worked on an=20 emotional
level.  Storywise I think it works,=20 but not emotionally all that well.

This is something for further development in stories to come.

>While I like the character descriptions,=20
I thought the long description of the main=20 lounge at the beginning of
Act Three went=20 on too long.  It seemed to make the story=20 pause to
relate information that didn't=20 affect the rest of the tale being
told.=20=20 It might have worked better if it had been=20 told through the
reactions one or more of=20 the characters were having to it instead=20 of
just straight description.=20=20 (The reactions of Thorpe and Rocha to=20
Exo III did work as a way to describe that=20 world and at the same time
told us about=20 the characters.)

I did not find the description that long.  I included the description as a
way to link the design of the lounge to the name of the ship, and also
because many scenes occur there in episodes to come. Others seemed to have
gotten wrong ideas about the lounge and even forgot the long description.

>I thought the section in Act Four with=20
Indesakar and Johnson in the shuttlecraft=20 went on a bit too long, but
not overly so.=20=20 On the other hand, I would have liked to=20 have seen
more of them struggling with=20 their situation on the planet
immediately=20 after they transported down rather than=20 just end up with
the others on the station.

Again, that was a moment to put the spotlight on Indesakar in particular.
You're right, I could've included more about their situation on the planet
after immediately beaming down.

>Questions:

>Wouldn't the magnetic field of Emerelo II=20
have to be so strong to hold the plasma=20 field that no sort of electronic
devices=20 could function on the planet surface?

It's possible that the devices on the surface are shielded or else are desi= gned
to work in that kind of environment.

>Also, if the atmosphere was held in by the=20
plasma field, wouldn't that mean that most=20 of the atmosphere would be at
the upper=20 levels and very little at the surface, in=20 an almost reverse
setup to how it would be=20 if it were held in by gravity?

Not really.  Pressure through such an atmosphere would be distributed more
evenly since the gravity would act to pull it down and its own thermal
motion would work to let the molecules escape unless they were constrained.
The pressure differential from top to bottom would not be great, but would
still be higher on the surface.

>In Act Three you have the line:=20
"Yes, but the density of the=20
temperature is much higher."
What is temperature density?  How can=20 temperature be more dense or less so?

I'll have to get back to you on this one.  I wanted to read the context tha= t this
line appears in to figure out what I was trying to say.  I couldn't find it=
 by doing
a quick scan of the printed-out version of the story, and the file is on a
= zip disk,
and my current computer doesn't have the drivers for a zip drive (never bot= hered
to download them from Iomega since I don't use the zip anymore, but use a
CD burner instead).

>Some Comments About the Athena version of Trek:

>I wanted to also note that while at times=20
I found some of the references to the=20 Odonans and their warp drive
somewhat=20 confusing, that I didn't think it detracted=20 from the story
at all.  I also wanted to=20 thank you for the section of your website,=20
"The Mission" that helped explain some of=20 the differences
between your storyline and=20 the standard Trek universe.

As explained, I used the Odona warp drive because I know how it works,
whereas in canon Trek, they'll use the engines and assorted technobabble in
any way necessary to advance the plot and at the same time contradict my
ideas on how the warp engines work.  When somebody points out to me that
the warp engine on the Defiant or Voyager can do this but the engine on the
Athena can't, I'll say that's because it is an Odonan warp en= gine.
I can't use technobabble to resolve the plot.

>I didn't find your version of the Trek=20
universe to be a problem on a storytelling=20 level.  It's an interesting
take on Trek=20 and I look forward to reading the next story.

>I don't object to a different version of=20
the Trek universe as long as it makes sense=20 and holds to its own rules. 
Your story=20 does this quite well.

This is one of the better things about fan fiction is that you do get these=
 different
takes on the Trek universe.  Garry and Jay do the same thing.  I don't thin= k that
there's a Trek fan out there that agrees one hundred percent with everythin= g that
is done in Trek, and a fan fiction writer gets the chance to address that
a= nd decide
to not include the things that he does not like and include the things that=
 he does
like, while still keeping the feeling very much Trek.  Some go too far and = produce
"gun bunny Trek" (to use Jay's phrase), but it's their choice.

>Overall I really liked this story.  It kept=20
me engaged with the characters and it=20 surprised me at several points
with the=20 way it didn't take the obvious route.=20=20 It wasn't a
"shoot-em up" action piece,=20 but more of a dire situation that
brought=20 out the nature of the characters and their=20 relationships.  I
look forward to reading=20 more of Captain Thorpe and the Athena.

>A quick note... I wanted to thank you Steve=20
for including a link on your site to my Dark=20 Horizon site.  I will be
adding a link to=20 Star Trek: Athena to my site's links page=20 in the
next day or so.

Thanks for the comments.

Steve
The Universe Unbounded.

Visit "Star Trek: Athena" at http://ussathena.iwarp.com


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>Comments on-- Star Trek: Athena "In Fire" by Steve
Oostrom>Orchids:>The
battle with the Borg from First Contact worked being told from a
perspective of a ship other than the Enterprise.  I
thought it was a good way to introduce us to Thorpe
and other members of the crew.
I liked the idea of linking the start of the
series
with something that the majority
of the readers would likely be familiar
with.
>I liked how Act Two started out with Thorpe
watching repairs
on
the Athena, contrasting with the fast paced nature of Act
One.>I like the relationship between Thorpe and
Matsubara.  More than friends,
but not really a romantic relationship.
That seems to describe their
relationship, as at
times Thorpe does not want it
to become more serious because of
his position as
the captain and her position
as a subordinate
officer.  Other stories in
the series elaborates on this
relationship, and it forms a major
theme in the
first novel "Starry, Starry Days."
(written, but not yet
posted).
>Overall, the relationships between the
characters are very
well
done.  It gave me a sense of who they were and gave a
sense of a "crew" rather than just a collection
of characters in the same place.>I
liked the section where Thorpe and his new first officer, Nadine
Johnson, walked about the empty ship.  I thought this
was an interesting way to introduce her and to have
them learn about each other.>I liked the
reference to Exo III.  Very nice.
:)
Originally, I was going to have a
scene on Exo
III,
but decided against it
because I did not want
to have the first
episode being too long.  I have at times
considered a
"novelization" of the first episode
to
include all the things that I
really should not have left out, but the
novelization would not open the same
way as the actual posted story
does, and that
could
weaken the story.
>While I do have questions about the unique
nature of Emerelo
II
(see below) I liked the unusual situation it set up and the
way that presented the crew with a challenging first
mission.>I really liked the in depth character
descriptions you give us.  I get a good
sense of the characters from these.>I
liked how Thorpe actually
struggled with the idea of taking his ship into the
planet's atmosphere.  It wasn't simply shown to be the
only solution and then therefore that was what they'd
do, end of discussion.  I liked how
Matsubara was the one who went to talk to him about
this.  The
relationship between the two of them is something I'm
looking forward to
reading more about in the further stories of the
Athena.>I liked the contrast between Thorpe and
his Ready Room.  Thorpe, a complex man
who thinks things through, yet his Ready Room he kept
"basic and
simple."  The character is someone who keeps his
wits about him, no
matter the turmoil around him, but he's not some unemotional
machine. 
He does struggle with
things.>Onions:>While
I
understand the point of the trouble Thorpe has with command
because of how he views his parents' deaths, I didn't really
feel that aspect of Thorpe
worked on an emotional level.  Storywise I think it
works, but not emotionally all that well.
This is something for further development in
stories
to come.
>While I like the character descriptions, I
thought the long
description of the main lounge at the beginning of Act Three went
on too
long.  It seemed to make the story pause to relate
information that didn't affect the rest of the tale being
told.  It might have worked better if it had been
told through the reactions one or more of
the characters were having to it instead of just straight
description.  (The reactions of Thorpe and Rocha to
Exo III did work as a way to describe that world and at
the same time told us about
the characters.)
I did not find the description
that long.  I
included the description
as a way to link the design of the
lounge to the
name of the ship,
and also because many scenes occur there in
episodes to come.
Others seemed to have gotten wrong
ideas about the
lounge and
even forgot the long
description.
>I thought the section in Act Four with
Indesakar and Johnson
in
the shuttlecraft went on a bit too long, but not overly
so.  On the
other hand, I would have liked to have seen more of them struggling with
their situation on the planet immediately after they
transported down
rather than just end up with the others on the
station.
Again, that was a moment to put
the spotlight on
Indesakar in particular.
You're right, I could've included
more about their
situation on the planet
after immediately beaming
down.>Questions:>Wouldn't
the magnetic field of Emerelo II have to be so strong to hold the
plasma field that no sort of
electronic devices could function on the planet
surface?
It's possible that the devices on
the surface are
shielded or else are designed
to work in that kind of
environment.
>Also, if the atmosphere was held in by the
plasma field,
wouldn't that mean that most of the atmosphere would be at the upper
levels and very little at the surface, in an almost
reverse setup to
how
it would be if it were held in by gravity?
Not really.  Pressure
through such an
atmosphere would be distributed
more evenly since the gravity
would act to pull it
down and its own thermal
motion would work to let the
molecules escape
unless they were constrained.
The pressure differential from top
to bottom would
not be great, but would
still be higher on the
surface.
>In Act Three you have the line:
"Yes, but the density of the
temperature is much higher."What is temperature
density?  How can
temperature be more dense or less so?
I'll have to get back to you on
this one.  I
wanted to read the context that this
line appears in to figure out what
I was trying to
say.  I couldn't find it by doing
a quick scan of the printed-out
version of the
story, and the file is on a zip disk,
and my current computer doesn't
have the drivers
for a zip drive (never bothered
to download them from Iomega since
I don't use the
zip anymore, but use a
CD burner
instead).>Some
Comments
About the Athena version of Trek:>I wanted to
also note that while at
times I found some of the references to the Odonans and
their warp drive
somewhat confusing, that I didn't think it detracted
from the story at all.  I also wanted to thank
you for the section of your website,
"The Mission" that helped explain some of the
differences between your
storyline and the standard Trek universe.
As explained, I used the Odona
warp drive because
I
know how it works,
whereas in canon Trek, they'll use
the engines and
assorted technobabble
in any way necessary to advance
the plot and at
the
same time contradict
my ideas on how the warp engines
work.  When
somebody points out
to me that the warp engine on the Defiant or
Voyager can do this but the
engine on the Athena can't, I'll say that's
because
it is an Odonan warp engine.
I can't use technobabble to resolve the
plot.
>I didn't find your version of the Trek
universe to be a
problem
on a storytelling level.  It's an interesting take on
Trek and I look forward to reading the next
story.>I don't object to a different
version of the Trek universe as long as it makes sense
and holds to its own rules.  Your story does
this quite well.
This is one of the better things
about fan fiction
is that you do get these different
takes on the Trek
universe.  Garry and Jay do
the same thing.  I don't think that
there's a Trek fan out there that agrees one
hundred percent with everything that
is done in Trek, and a fan fiction
writer gets the
chance to address that and decide
to not include the things that he
does not like
and
include the things that he does
like, while still keeping the
feeling very much
Trek.  Some go too far and produce
"gun bunny Trek" (to use
Jay's phrase), but it's
their choice.>Overall I really
liked this story.  It kept
me engaged with the characters and it surprised me at
several points
with the way it didn't take the obvious route. 
It wasn't a "shoot-em up" action piece, but
more of a dire situation that brought
out the nature of the characters and their
relationships.  I look
forward to reading more of Captain Thorpe and the
Athena.
>A quick note... I wanted to thank you Steve
for including a link
on
your site to my Dark Horizon site.  I will be adding a link to
Star
Trek: Athena to my site's links page in the next day or
so.Thanks for the
comments.
 
Steve
The Universe
Unbounded.
 
Visit "Star Trek: Athena" at http://ussathena.iwarp.com;">http://ussathena.iwarp.comhttp://ussathena.iwarp.com">http://ussathena.iwarp.com;
 






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