To: 
From: "David Smith" 
Reply-To: trekcreative{at}yahoogroups.com

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Firstly, thanks for the critique. I'll cover everyone's comments in this
si= nce a lot of the comments overlap.


< The ship was a trading ship, originally built at some point in the late 2=
3rd century. Since then the ship had undergone a large number of upgrades
a= nd repairs to the point where her father estimated that only about
fifteen = per cent of the ship was from the original ship. As it was, the
ship could = stand up in a fight against a Dominion fighter, as was proven
in a somewhat=
 hectic incident during the war.


Okay, right there you blow my disbelief buffer. Starfleet ships get smeared=
 left and right, but a 100 year old trading ship can beat a Dominion fighte=
r up?

Either this means that the Marks are *so rich* that they have no business
t= rundling back and forth between Earth and Andor on a Trader -

or -

Starfleet is so stupid they can't build ships that match the tricks an old
= space dog can manage with a limited budget.

And Serendipity wants to be part of these morons *why*? >


This is covered in a short story I'm planning (Provisional title: Hunter's
= Moon). Suffice to say the crew of the Farstar did things that Starfleet
ves= sels won't, shouldn't and can't do to survive their run-in with one
Dominio= n fighter. The Farstar will play a role in some of the stories
(there will = be some short stories featuring the main characters in their
pre-Academy da= ys. There wasn't meant to be any but once I started working
on the first st= ory more ideas came to me).=20


< Instead of establishing that the Farstar is tough (which is pointless sin=
ce, presumeably that ship won't be playing a large part in the series) how
= about establishing that the Marks family has had previous adventures?


"Serendipity softly brushed her fingers along the blast scar from the
time = the Renegade Andorians tried to hijack the ship and family home. as
she wal= ked along she saw the improvised power junction that she and her
father had=
 rigged to escape Pirates along the Orion Main. 'At least Starfleet Academy=
 won't have people shooting at me.' Serendipity looked forward to class wor=
k instead crises."

This establishes that Serendipity is a scrappy survivor without screwing
th= e ... the "Game Balance" of your game world as it were.

Not only this but it opens up story hooks. what if one the cadets that
Sere= dipity comes into contact with is a cousin or other relative of one
of the = Renegades, or one of the Orion Pirates? the fire power doesn't
always have = to be set at maximum for a good story. In fact it's better if
it's not. >


Good suggestion. The entire idea of Serendipity going to Starfleet Academy
= because it's more peaceful than life on the Farstar is such a interesting
i= dea that I may well use it (What can I say, I have no shame).


< There are some questions. Presumably, these two had to qualify for Starfl=
eet Academy and take entrance exams and the like. No mention of this was
ma= de in the story, but presumably, it will come out.=20

Personally, I think that Starfleet Academy would be a bit more organized
wh= en it comes to dorm assignments. I don't think first-year cadets have
any s= ay in this. They get the room and the roommate assigned to them and
they ca= n't do much about that.=20

I don't think that there would be lineups. >


Thomas and Serendipity are in the queue for dorm assignments. The other
mai= n characters are going to enter the proceedings when Thomas and
Serendipity=
 get to the dorm. There is a reason why there is a queue for dorm assignmen=
ts. It will be explained by the end of the story

< Finally, I noticed one glaring editing mistake:=20


...with the exception of the Vulcan's who just waited...=20


I'm wondering... the Vulcan's what? His father? His friend? His girlfriend?=
 His pet?=20

What is it with people using the apostrophe to indicate the plural? I see
t= his mistake over and over again, on memos at work, at signs that the
public=
 reads and I even saw it once in a newspaper. If one or two people did it, =
it's a careless mistake, but so many people doing it makes it annoying.
Yea= rs ago, I never saw that. I wonder if it is because of computers that
would=
 not flag "Vulcan's" as a mistake, either spelling or grammar.=20

It's just something that is annoying to me (and of course, this might be
th= e aftereffect of watching someone write "receipt's" and
telling me that's t= he proper spelling of the plural). >


I knew I would miss at least one of those errors. That's why I put a 10 on
= the feed back meter. It's been corrected in the version on the computer.


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Firstly, thanks for the critique. I=92ll cover everyone=
=92s=20
comments in this since a lot of the comments overlap.

< The ship was a trading ship, originally
built at so=
me=20
point in the late 23rd century. Since then the ship had undergone a large n= umber=20
of upgrades and repairs to the point where her father estimated that only a= bout=20
fifteen per cent of the ship was from the original ship. As it was, the shi= p=20
could stand up in a fight against a Dominion fighter, as was proven in a=20
somewhat hectic incident during the war.

Okay, right there you blow my disbelief buffer. Starflee=
t ships=20
get smeared left and right, but a 100 year old trading ship can beat a Domi= nion=20
fighter up?Either this means that the Marks are *so
rich* that they=
 have=20
no business trundling back and forth between Earth and Andor on a Trader=20
-or -Starfleet is so stupid they
can't build ships that mat=
ch=20
the tricks an old space dog can manage with a limited
budget.And=20 Serendipity wants to be part of these
morons *why*? >

This is covered in a short story I=92m planning (Provisi=
onal=20
title: Hunter=92s Moon). Suffice to say the crew of the Farstar did things = that=20
Starfleet vessels won=92t, shouldn=92t and can=92t do to survive their
run-= in with one=20
Dominion fighter. The Farstar will play a role in some of the stories (ther= e=20
will be some short stories featuring the main characters in their pre-Acade= my=20
days. There wasn=92t meant to be any but once I started working on the
firs= t story=20
more ideas came to me). 

< Instead of establishing that the Farstar
is tough (=
which=20
is pointless since, presumeably that ship won't be playing a large part in = the=20
series) how about establishing that the Marks family has had previous=20
adventures?
"Serendipity softly brushed her fingers along
the blast =
scar=20
from the time the Renegade Andorians tried to hijack the ship and family ho= me.=20
as she walked along she saw the improvised power junction that she and her=
=20
father had rigged to escape Pirates along the Orion Main. 'At least Starfle= et=20
Academy won't have people shooting at me.' Serendipity looked forward to cl= ass=20
work instead crises."This establishes that
Serendipity is a scrappy=
=20
survivor without screwing the ... the "Game Balance" of your game
world as = it=20
were.Not only this but it opens up story hooks. what if
one the cad= ets=20
that Seredipity comes into contact with is a cousin or other relative of on= e of=20
the Renegades, or one of the Orion Pirates? the fire power doesn't always h= ave=20
to be set at maximum for a good story. In fact it's better if it's not. >=
;

Good suggestion. The entire idea of Serendipity going to=
=20
Starfleet Academy because it=92s more peaceful than life on the Farstar is
= such a=20
interesting idea that I may well use it (What can I say, I have no shame).<=
/P>

< There are some questions. Presumably,
these two had=
 to=20
qualify for Starfleet Academy and take entrance exams and the like. No ment= ion=20
of this was made in the story, but presumably, it will come out. 
Personally, I think that Starfleet Academy would be a bi=
t more=20
organized when it comes to dorm assignments. I don't think first-year cadet= s=20
have any say in this. They get the room and the roommate assigned to them a= nd=20
they can't do much about that. 
I don't think that there would be lineups.
>

Thomas and Serendipity are in the queue for dorm assignm=
ents.=20
The other main characters are going to enter the proceedings when Thomas an= d=20
Serendipity get to the dorm. There is a reason why there is a queue for dor= m=20
assignments. It will be explained by the end of the story
< Finally, I noticed one glaring editing
mistake: 

...with the exception of the Vulcan's who just waited...=
 

I'm wondering... the Vulcan's what? His father? His frie=
nd? His=20
girlfriend? His pet? 
What is it with people using the apostrophe to indicate =
the=20
plural? I see this mistake over and over again, on memos at work, at signs = that=20
the public reads and I even saw it once in a newspaper. If one or two peopl= e did=20
it, it's a careless mistake, but so many people doing it makes it annoying.=
=20
Years ago, I never saw that. I wonder if it is because of computers that wo= uld=20
not flag "Vulcan's" as a mistake, either spelling or grammar. 
It's just something that is annoying to me (and of cours=
e, this=20
might be the aftereffect of watching someone write "receipt's"
and telling = me=20
that's the proper spelling of the plural). >

I knew I would miss at least one of those errors. That=
=92s why I=20
put a 10 on the feed back meter. It=92s been corrected in the version on th= e=20
computer.






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