To: trekcreative{at}yahoogroups.com
From: "ronwaldyo" 
Reply-To: trekcreative{at}yahoogroups.com

Comments on--- Pendragon: "True North" by Tim Morgan


Orchids-

I liked the fast paced style of your writing. It keeps the story moving
along, yet takes good opportunities to stop and give us insight into the
characters.

Your description is very good.  It is at times almost lyrical, but still
gets the job done. I thought at several points you really added an extra
layer to the story just with the style of your description.
I loved your phrase "melancholy nostalgia" in Chapter One.

I thought the theme of a "retreat to a simpler time" with
Sinclair was very effective and well done with the differences between him
and the Admiral... Air tram vs. horse, etc.  This was done with a minimal
amount of time, but drove the idea home with good use of imagery.  This
told me quite a bit about the character of Sinclair without spending a lot
of time giving me biographical information.

I liked how the saboteur wasn't the usual "out to kill them all in one
big heap for no good reason" type.  There was more going on with this
guy and I thought it interesting how you had his goal being one of just
stopping them.

I liked the way Sinclair slowly takes his place as Captain aboard the ship.
 It was different and I like different.

I thought it effective how you gave us Sinclair making his decision to
accept the position of Captain without the resort to some quick standard
"Trek" retread.

I liked the air of mystery at the end.  I look forward to reading more.


Onions:

Outside of Admiral Nechayev, the Doctor and mention of the Captain's wife,
there really weren't any female characters in the story. Perhaps this will
change as things
progress with more stories.

I would have liked to have heard more about Sinclair's wife.  I think
there's a lot of dramatic possibilities with the loss he's dealing with.
How does he feel about officers on the other side of that civil war?  Does
he blame them for her death?


You mention near the end of Chapter One the following:

"... Twining's youngest son had been two years behind him, and so
they'd never met."

I thought the Academy was a four year institution. With only two years
difference they should have been able to meet, not that they necessarily
would have.


I'm not certain that the word "patriot"  (in Chapter Three) would
be something that would used by someone in the Trek universe.  It just
seems to be a bit out of place.

In Chapter Three you have the following: "After all it was a dangerous
universe.  Wormholes, quantum singularities, cosmic strings, the odd
quasar."

A Quasar is an object of incredible energy (more than a hundred times more
luminous than the brightest galaxies) and are found in intergalactic space,
billions of light years away.  They are the nuclei of very active galaxies
probably with massive black holes at their core.  I seriously doubt that
anyone in Starfleet has ever seen one close up or would find themselves
endangered by one.  (I know the object in the TOS episode "Galileo
Seven" was called a quasar, but that was wrong, it couldn't have
been.)


Questions:

In Chapter One you have the phrase: "We are free and clear to
navigate."  Shouldn't that be "clear and free to navigate"?

What is a Teckburger?

Are you sure that the phrase "Semper Fi" would be appropriate for
a SEAL team?  "Semper Fi" is a term the Marines use, while the
SEALs are Navy. However, I would agree that applies to modern day SEAL
teams in the US Navy, where you are describing a situation in Starfleet
several hundred years from now.

What happened to Sinclair's sons?  You have him meet them on Vulcan and
then we don't know if they came aboard the ship or what happened to them.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Overall I thought the story was well done and I very much look forward to
reading more.

-Michael Gray
Star Trek: Dark Horizon
http://hometown.aol.com/darkhrzn91701/main.htm



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