14 Nov 02 14:42, George W. Bush wrote to Saddam Insane:
 SI>> I am certain that they are currently busy stockpiling weapons of mass
 SI>> destruction, including nuclear weapons, and they're the only nation 
 SI>> on the planet insane or warlike enough to use them against a civilian 
 SI>> population.

 GWB> Someone who alleged that he has been the victim of smear campaigns 
 GWB> and bad press, like yourself, should know better.  Such remarks about 
 GWB> the good ole U.S. of A. are usually the hallmark of someone trying to
 GWB> "revise history."

Actually, we here at Ted's Broadcasting System are interested not so much
in revising history as in repackaging it and reselling it. That's why we're
tickled pink that you're planning to bring back that neat Desert Storm TV
show that all of our viewers in CNN land have been asking us for these past
years.

No point in showing them World War II footage, as for some strange reason
that entire war was fought in black-and-white making it impossible to tell
which side is which by the colour of the uniforms. 

Worse yet, that one ended with the Japanese bombarding us with Sony tummy
TV's, mercilessly targeting us in their Canon viewfinders and dumping so
many oddball foreign car parts on us that it's raining Datsun cogs out
here.

What a disaster... if you're going to fight a war, fight it in colour.

 GWB> During the last century, we Americans were constant victims of 
 GWB> circumstance and were also almost willfully misunderstood.
 GWB> If we tried to mind our own business, like during the first half of
 GWB> WWII, we were labelled "isolationists who were abandoning our former
 GWB> allies."  However, if we tried to solve a regional problem before it
 GWB> got out of hand, such as in Korea or Vietnam, we were called
 GWB> warmongers.  I tell you, sometimes it seems we just cannot win.

I'm not sure what to do with Korea... I'm still looking for a marketing angle.

Sure, some money was made on the old M*A*S*H series reruns but beyond that
trying to americanise Korea seems futile. The idea of Paul Revere riding a
Hyundai Pony just doesn't seem to capture our viewers' imagination somehow.

Our viewers couldn't care less about far-east martial arts; they want guns.

 SI>> Actually, they have already done so... twice.

 GWB> Circumstances.  Don't confuse knowing a few facts with knowing the
 GWB> "truth" about events.

 GWB> Besides, we haven't done that sort of thing for over five decades.
 GWB> Some people just won't let us live down a couple questionable acts
 GWB> which seemed like really good ideas at the time.

Television viewers have a short attention span for that sort of stuff now.

Just because they tuned in on Aug 6th doesn't mean they'll watch the rerun
on Aug 9th - they'll just change the channel. Every advertiser knows you
have thirty seconds to make your point before the viewer leaves for the
outhouse.

That's why in every war we must kill people in new and interesting ways.

Ratings, George, ratings. It's what keeps TV news in business...

 GWB> It's all a moot point, anyhow, because we certainly wouldn't use those 
 GWB> particular weapons again.  Our PR folks tell us that they have become 
 GWB> visual cliches, mainly due to overuse by Hollywood and the television 
 GWB> media.  If ever CNN showed some footage of the distinctive mushroom
 GWB> cloud, people would probably switch channels because they thought it
 GWB> was only an advert for yet another movie.

Actually, we have to make our product look better than Nintendo if we want
the televisions to Play our Station; that is the unfortuate Sega of our
existence.

 GWB> Of course, the real reason the world should not worry about us is that 
 GWB> we are basically a peace loving people.  While it's unfortunate that 
 GWB> helping to keep the world a safe place for peace has meant that we needed 
 GWB> to wage war in a few other countries, everything comes with its price.  
 GWB> So, trust us.

We tried televising peace once; only the Woodstock hippies tuned in and we
couldn't convince them to buy anything as they wouldn't trust anyone over
30.

It's war that makes money for CNN. War! Don't ever forget it. We have to
recover from economic damage of the AOL takeover and if that means having
to blow up some civilians to get our ratings back up, well God Bless
America.

 GWB> So, let me reiterate the citizens of the U.S. of A. are peace loving.
 GWB> Of course, in our role as The World's Policeman, we may occasionally
 GWB> wage limited war in order to keep the peace.  Still, there are no
 GWB> worries about any weapons of mass destruction that we may not have
 GWB> converted to plough shares, just yet, because such weapons are just
 GWB> not effective when seen as video clips on the TV news.  This last part
 GWB> is most important because of the symbiotic relationship between the
 GWB> news media and politicians...

Yes, George, but the average newsperson has about as much desire to become
a politician as the average dog has to be a Bush. We know who's in
charge...

 GWB> I just wish we could do something about being misunderstood.  Why our
 GWB> track record of relationships is almost as bad as Jenny Lopez's
 GWB> marital track record.  Just look at all our former allies who were
 GWB> quite happy to let the U.S, of A. improve their country buy building
 GWB> naval and/or air bases but then eventually decided to spurn us.  The
 GWB> list includes the Philippines, France, Spain and keeps growing. Then,
 GWB> there are folks like the Taliban who we supported against invaders
 GWB> from the former U.S.S.R., but who then turned against us. Why, we 
 GWB> even quietly supported Iraq in your ten-year war against Iran...

Oh darn, I thought the Ewe Ess had left Argentia, Newfoundland voluntarily.

You mean those dang foreigners drove us outta there? Where's my shotgun?

Roll the cameras, I'm going in there myself to put the fear of cod in 'em!

 GWB> So, here America sits, taking on the thankless job of being The
 GWB> World's Policeman with not only no thanks but also no understanding 
 GWB> or sympathy from many of those we are trying to help.  It's just not
 GWB> easy, but hey, a country has to do what a country has to do!

Especially when A.C. Nielsen & Co is breathing down my neck.

There are some threats in this world that simply cannot be ignored.

 GWB> God Bless the American Way.


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 GWB>                                                   Warmest Regards,

 GWB>                                                   George W. Bush


 GWB> -+-
 GWB>  + Origin: The real West Wing of the White House, really!  
 GWB> (1:249/127.86)

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