Definition Of A Twit   Courtesy Of: Grant Bierman
  ====================   ==========================
 
   NOTE: This does NOT necessarily reflect the opinions of this Sysop;
 but it comes very close. 
 
   Twits love DOWNLOADING. Uploading is for simpletons who can't tell
 whether they are coming or going. If Twits designed modems, we'd all
 have on which downloads at 115200 Baud, and uploads at 300 baud. If
 Twits Wrote protocols, the smallest block they could receive would
 be 10 megabytes.
 
   Twits can't READ or COUNT. This is evidenced by their total
 inability to comprehend System rules, or UPLOAD/DOWNLOAD ratios.
 But, for some strange reason, they can still use a computer.
 
   Because of this handicap, most twits are unemployed. It is a
 miracle that most of them haven't been retained by the State to
 pick up trash on the expressways. They'd gladly volunteer for it;
 if it could be done with a modem and they were called "Remote-Trash
 Downloaders".

   Twits feel that the proper way to leave a board is to drop the
 carrier. They do this because they don't want to waste their
 valuable time exiting via the "Goodbye" command; when they could
 spend that time calling another board.
 
   Twits never leave messages, unless it is rude, crude, or socially
 unacceptable. If an exception to this exists, It will probably be a
 creative one liner such as "Hi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
 
   Twits rarely reply to messages...unless they enter a one liner such
 as the one above.
 
   Twits NEVER communicate with Sysops, unless it is to ask why such
 and such file is unavailable, demand acess to the "Private Areas",
 or gripe about something. Mail from the Sysop is considered to be
 the electronic equivalent of "Junk-Mail" and should be ignored. In
 fact, there should be a law to stop it from being written.
 
   Twits NEVER pay for access to a computer system. They see
 themselves as a latter-day "Robin-Hoods", taking from the rich
 (Sysop) and giving to the poor (themselves). Their motto: "If it
 isn't free, it isn't worth having."

 (Side Note: From a political standpoint, this sounds like what the
 liberals say, in wanting to take from the rich, and give to those
 who do nothing).
 
   Twits need multiple user names and logon passwords on each board
 they call. This is the measure of their Twit-dom, and reflects their
 true status in the Twit-community. A twit with only ONE user name
 and logon password per board is a FAILURE, and faces censure and
 possible expulsion from their peer group. No wonder that twits exhibit
 schizo-tendencies!!
 
   Twits know EVERYTHING...just ask them. But, it'd take a crowbar,
 and several sticks of dynamite to get any useful information out of
 them. These self-professed "experts" will rarely stoop so low to
 assist some who may genuinely need some help. After all, a real
 "hacker" never needs to ask for help.
 
   A Twit would not be caught DEAD using their REAL NAME when calling
 a BBS. In fact, twits refuse to leave anything more involved than a
 handle when registering to a BBS. The ONLY exception to this rule is
 that they will often use SOMEONE ELSE's real name. Or they may use
 the name of a Heavy-metal rock and roll group...imagine a system
 where everyone is named "Guns and Roses"!!
 
   Twits NEVER register their shareware. Cash is what they use to buy
 a faster modem or operating system. Program Authors are neurotic
 -compulsives-, and if they did not serve a purpose, twits would have
 them abolished completely.
 
   Twits ADORE Sprint, MCI, and other long distance credit card numbers, 
 IF they belong to someone else. This also applies to CompuServe, AT&T,
 Prodigy, America Online, etc. Their motto is: "If you can't steal it,
 it can't be much fun".
 
   A twit is a "BBS connoisseur". They KNOW which BBS software is the
 BEST, and how the system should look and run. They will not hesitate
 to inform you if it fails to meet their demanding and very rigid
 expectations. They consider this a "PUBLIC SERVICE"; however, they
 would NEVER trouble themselves to run their own BBS. That might take
 valuable time away from their duties as "Remotes" on the boards they
 spend all their waking moments calling. In MOST cases, becoming a
 Sysop is an EFFECTIVE CURE for being a twit.

   Sysops who have no idea as to what their AUTOEXEC.BAT, AUTOEXEC.NT,
 CONFIG.SYS and CONFIG.NT files happen to be...or don't even know
 how their BBS is supposed to work...are in danger of becoming the
 "twit" that they were trying to keep off of their BBS in the first
 place!!
 
   Twits LOVE to page the Sysop, often just for the sheer heck of it.
 They are most fond of "Late-night" paging. This is the perfect time
 for them to explain their infallable logic as to why they should be
 given remote-sysop access to your system. Their second most favored
 reason for wanting to chat is "just checking to see if your were
 THERE!"
 
   Twits can't comprehend why the IBM program they just downloaded
 won't run on their Atari 800. After all, programs are programs,
 right?? And, any fool knows that a 32K machine can hold a 200K
 program.
 
   Twit users can't TOLERATE seeing a command that they can't use.
 Their motto is: "Try, try again. If it didn't work the first time,
 it HAS to work the second, third, forth, etc. No self-respecting
 Sysop would intentionally offer them anything less than TOTAL ACCESS.
 
   Twits are Fascinated by DOS. Their quest for it rivals the search
 for the legendary "Holy-Grail". They MUST reach it, through their
 modem, or all is lost. What they would do with it if they reached it,
 is probably a lot like what a dog who chases cars would do with one,
 if he ever managed to catch it (urinate on the tires to mark its
 territory).
 
   Twits are totally ENGROSSED by hardware, they can conceive of the
 most unorthodox, outrageous, and potentially lethal contraptions
 known on Earth. Ocasionally, these "time-bombs" actually work!! Any
 difficulties they experience with their computers will fall under the
 heading of "miscengenation" or "Poetic Justice".
 
   Twits Crave the LATEST versions of "goober-pods", or
"space weenies".
 To reward the Sysop for access to such mega-byte gems, they will upload
 VALUABLE and USEFUL programs in return. Such as "Weasel Stompers" for
 the Commodore-64, providing it is less than 10K in size.
 
   A twit NEVER uses application programs, and NEVER writes programs;
 (programs are what twits DOWNLOAD, and most can just BARELY write or 
 spell). Their motto is: "If you don't need a joystick to play it, it 
 isn't worth having".
 
   A real Twit will FLATLY REFUSE to use any compression method on
 files they intend to upload. After all, Sysops twiddle their thumbs
 waiting for something to do, and should be grateful that they get any
 uploads, EVER! They also refuse to upload documentation...they consider
 it a crutch for weak minds, and the hallmark of the Geek.
 
   Twits SUFFER if there are no "NEW" files on the system. There may
 be a correlation between "NEW" files and twits, much as there is one
 which exists between manure and flies. The only diffence is that flies
 usually leave after eating their fill...twits don't.
 
   Twits desperately NEED to become Remote-Sysops. They know that
 EVERYONE else on the system has SYSOP capabilities, and don't want to
 be excluded from all the fun! (Are all Twits created equal??)
 
   Twits think that the "Caps Lock" key must be activated in order to
 properly leave a message on the board. They think that their message
 is of such great importance that it must be screamed at everyone.
 
   Occasionally, an above average twit who discovers that modeming can
 be a two way street will attempt to get around upload/download ratios
 by renaming the same program fifteen or twenty times and use it to
 fill the sysop's hard disk with redundant programs. After all, rules
 were meant to be broken...right???


Posted by VPost v1.7.081019

--- Virtual Advanced Ver 2 for DOS