-=> Quoting Damon Getsman to Nancy Backus on 31 Jan 14  05:45:37 <=-

 DG> Re: support  was: Male Single Parenting - Views by Peers and
 DG> Agencies By: Nancy Backus to Damon Getsman on Fri Jan 10 2014

 DG> right now, I've barely got enough free time/access to be able to get on
 DG> my own system to keep up with my RC duties and hell, I'm still a little
 DG> behind.  I've stabilized the living arrangements, even have a backup
 DG> lined up, and more good things are sure to follow.  Hopefully soon I'll
 DG> be able to have enough time to sit and rest a bit and catch up on
 DG> everything that I've missed.  :) 

I was beginning to wonder what was happening with you...  been a
while...  :)   Good to hear that things are stabilized...  :)

 NB>> At least you know that the genetic seeds of that sort of thing won't
 NB>> have come to you from her.  I'm sorry you had to endure that, too... 

 DG> Whoa, when going back through the quoting text I see that I've
 DG> repeated myself with all of this wonderful and interesting speak of
 DG> Satan and delusions and the Lake of Fire.  (Hey google, link Nancy
 DG> Getsman to Satan, delusions, and the Lake of Fire for me, will ya?)
 DG> Honestly, if somehow I would've been the same person but been the
 DG> biological spawn of those people I'd like to think that I would be
 DG> honorable enough to commit seppuku (preferably while skydiving right
 DG> over their house). 

It certainly did have some influence on you... but at least you see it
for the delusions it was...  :)  You might have just hoped against hope
that somehow the worst of it had bypassed you, and that maybe you'd be
able to amend some of their damage...  ;)

 NB>> Hopefully that will iron itself out... I suppose the yowling when you
 NB>> aren't around could be getting on the wife's nerves... hormones can be
 NB>> silly things... and some use them more as an excuse than others do...

 DG> You would not believe the tale that I have in store for you about
 DG> this particular little nugget of information.  Hell, I might have to
 DG> netmail you some of the dox on it, as well.  That situation really went
 DG> SNAFU in a way that was soooo frigging avoidable.  :P  Thank god for
 DG> helpful ex'es and biological family, I guess?  :)

At least you appear to be past it now..  ;)  I've watched lots of
unbelievable tales unfold... I can well imagine... ;)
 
 NB>> Yeah.  It can be useful to look at problems long enough to acknowledge
 NB>> their existence, and to hopefully be able to see what to do about them,
 NB>> but dwelling on them only makes things worse... 

 DG> I had a really big problem with that in the first 35 years of my
 DG> life.  I'm going to have fun trying to make a difference in the next
 DG> 35.  ;) 

Getting and maintaining balance can be tricky, but it's the key... :)

 DG> Heh.  Well, that can of worms can't be cracked open just yet; I have
 DG> not the time for that massive tale.  I did have to ditch my vehicle,
 DG> which really sucks.  Call me stupid, but I got attached to that thing. 
 DG> I'd picked it up right before I got my son, finally, over here where I
 DG> could care for him and give him a good environment.  When we had to hit
 DG> the road due to my dad's upcoming demise it took us 4000 miles around
 DG> the US, up some backwoods hills in Alabama, offroad.  Crossed the
 DG> Rockies in it.  It was a $500 Blazer, ffs.  It's like a good luck totem
 DG> to me, I guess.  All things are transient though; such is life & c'est
 DG> a la vie. Oh, by the way it's quite possible that I will forget the
 DG> tale that MUST be told about the debauchery and downfall of such a good
 DG> and noble man.  In case of such an event, just tell me to tell you
 DG> about the lizard. 

I can understand getting attached to a vehicle... done it myself... but
the time does come when it's time to just let it go... and move on... ;)
I'll be waiting for the story about the lizard....  

 NB>> Sounds like you are doing something right there, anyway..  :)  And 
 NB>> is probably also absorbing life lessons just from the unsettledness
 NB>> that you both find yourselves in...  

 DG> I think he probably is.  I can't believe how well he's adapting.  I
 DG> know that it's causing him some duress, but he's handling it very well.
 DG> Still, I very much want to be able to settle the eff-bomb down and let
 DG> him care for some relationships that will last for awhile.  I would've
 DG> never made it past 20, were it not for my loyal friends.  I would have
 DG> died, in multiple events. 

You didn't have the support from your parents, he at least has you.  But
you are right to want to be able to settle down enough for him to make
some good long-term friends... even if it doesn't end up happening... 

 DG> :D  Yesterday before bed he came to me and told me that he wanted to
 DG> spend some time alone with just me.  :)  It definitely sucks that he is
 DG> missing me enough to have to ask me for time with me, but it also
 DG> definitely touches my heart that he values time with me that much. 

It's a good thing.  Both that he is aware of missing you, and feels
close enough to you to let you know it, and that he values time with
you...  :)

 DG> That little man is going to be a guy with wisdom beyond his years, I'm
 DG> thinking.  Need to get him into Jedi training.  Er, that was a joke,
 DG> but after the last slum we lived in, it might be good for us to get
 DG> into Aikido as soon as possible.  Now if I could just get a ride to the
 DG> frigging workplace here... Alright, I'm going to be a bad buddhist,
 DG> and whine just a little bit about the fact that I sat on the
 DG> misunderstanding that caused the crap at the last place...  Just so
 DG> that my friend wouldn't have more marriage problems.  What kind of good
 DG> friend understands that kind of mistake, yet still doesn't keep his
 DG> wife from kicking a guy and his son causing no harm out into the
 DG> tundra in frigging January?  

A human being feeling trapped between two loyalties...  A somewhat
similar situation lost me access to a close friend for a number of
years...  He chose the loyalty to his wife, in the hopes that it would
help the situation long-term, I understood well enough to not push the
situation until things settled down, he reached back out later when
things had gone even farther bad there...  Sometimes you have to choose,
even if not necessarily wisely, given the options you see... 

 DG> Sorry, I couldn't resist. I will now resume my pursuit of the
 DG> peaceful, and conflict avoidant, buddhist ways.  
 
Smile... At least you recognise that your friend has a pretty mess to
deal with in his life anyway, and this new wife doesn't make it any
easier on him, anymore than the ex does...  ;)

 NB>> Yeah, child support can be another catch-22 situation... having the cash
 NB>> would have been so much easier for keeping roof over head etc...

 DG> I really need to talk to those guys.  It'd be so nice if they'd pick
 DG> up the phone and call me back...

Any way of just showing up at the office...?  Or referring it higher...?
 
 NB>> teaching them how to grow more mature from the situations...  Nurturing
 NB>> and discipline (both teaching and consequences) are important in growing
 NB>> the child into an adult...  I've seen way too many children that didn't
 NB>> get the guidance they needed, in the false thinking that giving in to
 NB>> their every whim will make them somehow respect you for it... and what
 NB>> they grow up to be, just whiny children in adult bodies, unable to teach
 NB>> their own children anything... 

 DG> You know, that really hits a resonant note.  I'd been living in
 DG> section 8 housing for 3 years, give or take, prior to this hurricane o'
 DG> feces.  So maybe that has really screwed up my perception of children;
 DG> no doubt the culture and locale of the area need to be taken into
 DG> account, too.  Either which way, there are so many single parents that
 DG> I've seen lately that are just unable to discipline their kids.  Um,
 DG> bad behavior needs to have bad consequences...  Is that a tough
 DG> concept?  Maybe they spiked the dose of fluoride in the water.  :P 

It's not just in poorer neighborhoods... The ideal of discipline, both
the educational aspects and the consequences part, seems to have been
rather lost in many sectors of society...  And there are far too many
grandmothers around moaning about the lack of respect from their
children's children, not really seeing that what they see is the logical
followup from how they raised their own children...  I think that the
biggest part of the failure is the lack of the training the kids.. one
can't enforce the rules if they aren't already stated...  And the second
biggest part is the thinking that threats will do the job, even if never
followed thru on... Don't threaten consequences you aren't planning to
actually do if the need arises...

 DG> Back in my cult days I used to sometimes get to spend a week with a
 DG> family that was in the same cult in South Dakota, and they had 3
 DG> children.  Other than that, all of my experiences with being a
 DG> pseudo-member of a large family were brief.  I can't imagine what it
 DG> must be like to have that many people who will actually care.  I just
 DG> don't have that at all.  I'm starting to feel it out with my sister and
 DG> my nephew and niece and my biomom, but it's going a little slow. 
 DG> That's one good thing about this relocation.  I'm goin' back to my
 DG> roots.  ;) 

That is a good thing...  Apparently they have accepted you in as a bona
fide family member...?  It's good for both you and your son to have
that... and it's good for them, too, to connect with you.  :)

 NB>> Breaking the downward spiral of thinking is always a useful thing...
 NB>> focusing off the problems to either something else, or perhaps to some
 NB>> solutions that may occur to one when gets re-focused is usually the key.

 DG> I've been doing absolutely wonderfully in this area.  :)  I've
 DG> maintained a positive focus at least 90-95% of the time.  I shifted my
 DG> paradigm a little while back, here, and I like where I shifted it to.

Good work... :)

 NB>> One can foster independence in one's child(ren) without losing the
 NB>> relationship with the child... in fact, sometimes that can be the
 NB>> factor that keeps the relationship solid, that the child doesn't
 NB>> have to fight to get any sort of independence.  And it can be done
 NB>> without removing your support of the child as well...

 DG> This is the very tightrope that I hope to be able to navigate
 DG> across.  

I think you probably have already been laying the good foundations for
it... 

 DG> When I first wrote the message, I would've said I needed that med. 
 DG> Now, after the paradigm shift...  I'm pretty sure I can handle whatever
 DG> life throws at me.  :)  I'm so glad that I finally found something that
 DG> works for me. 

Keep the focus... ;)   Sounds quite promising... :)

 DG> Vaya con Dios.  (Woo I got a chance to practice my spanish last
 DG> night _and_ helped a woman get herself home and out of the cold in a
 DG> country where she doesn't speak the language, good times!)

Good deal, all around...  :)

 DG>  bismaninfo.hopto.org 8023 

Is that a port number?

ttyl       neb

... Out on the edge you see things you can't see from the center.
--- Blue Wave/DOS v2.20