To: trekcreative{at}yahoogroups.com
From: "ronwaldyo" 
Reply-To: trekcreative{at}yahoogroups.com

-+- In trekcreative{at}yahoogroups.com, "Steve Oostrom" 
wrote:
> I have read the second Dark Horizons story, "Enemies and Allies,"
and I have some comments below.
> *
> *
> *
> *
> *
> Spoiler Space
> *
> *
> *
> *
> *
> More Spoiler Space
> *
> *
> *
> *
> *
> This should be enough Spoiler Space
> *
> *
> *
> *
> Offering any kind of reviews on "Enemies and Allies" is
> kind of difficult because of the way the series is set
> up.  Rather than individual stories within an arc,
> "Dark Horizon" might be better considered a single story
> and the so-called "stories" are really just chapters.
> The first story, "Forms Change," stood up well as an
> independent story, but "Enemies and Allies" does not.
> Too much is introduced and not enough is resolved, giving
> this story the feel of a step on the journey rather
> than a segment of it.  What this means is that I could
> ask a lot of quesitons about things that happen in this
> story, and the explanation is the same: "Subsequent
> stories will answer the question."

I see your point.  This was not a story in which much of anything is
resolved. The first story lent itself more to an individual story feel.
"Enemies and Allies" was problematic because of where it is in
the larger story and what happens with the characters.  At a couple of
points I considered giving it a more traditional stand alone structure, but
it lost the sense of being a story about growing complications which is
what it is really about.

In the end I thought it was better if the story communicated what I felt
was important for it to do and take the risk that it might be seen as more
a chapter than a stand alone story.

> Character interaction is pretty good.  I'm getting
> the feeling that one of Michael Gray's strengths
> is character interactions and how the characters
> evolve given the situations that they are in.

Thank you.

> These characters are not static.  This story, for
> example, starts to show the possible unravelling
> of the relationship between Jack McCall and Mei-Wan.
> The possibility of her joining the archaeological
> mission has given Jack a real damned-if-I-do,
> damned-if-I-don't, no-win situation, and as I am
> reading along with this, I try to figure out how
> I would approach this (I know, but then again,
> I'm a writer too, and if I ever come up with such
> a situation--and something similar is possible
> in "Athena"--I would have a difficult time working
> through this one).

This was difficult for me as well.  On the one hand Jack McCall is a 24th
century Starfleet Officer and should be able to figure his way out of this
logically, but he's also human and this woman means more to him than even
he realizes, so his emotions will be driving more of his responses than he
might want.

> It means that upcoming stories should be interesting,
> as Jack is put on the spot and I am intrigued on how
> it will work out.

I hope you will find it enjoyable.

> On the other hand, one weakness I found in this story
> is Q.  Is Q somehow involved in the story?  He came
> across as some kind of plot device.  It looked like
> the G'voda could be an ally in the battle against the
> Borg, but somehow, it must be brought to the attention
> to the Chamberlain that the G'voda are perhaps worse
> than the Borg.  Short of having McCall getting his nose
> bloodied in a confrontation with these new aliens to
> get the point across, MIchael might have dropped in Q
> to act almost as a narrator and give information that
> Jack otherwise would not get.  I would not write the
> scene this way, but perhaps Q is being introduced for
> later use, and that could justify his appearance here
> in the overall arc.  Within this particular story, this
> approach did not work, as it looked like a contrived
> way to bring in some necessary information.

The primary reason for Q's appearance in "Enemies" is as set up
for later stories and to establish a "sort of" relationship with
Jack.  (I doubt anyone can have a real relationship with one of the Q.)

The information Q gives really isn't the point of that scene.

> Another nice touch was the interaction between
> Melissa Vargas and Lee McGuire (coincidence factor,
> as I was reading this, I was writing a scene involving
> Kelly McGuire on the Athena; I wonder if they are related?).

They might be cousins. :)  Lee is not one of the most liked members of the
McGuire family.

> Of course, unless the captain has his nose in everybody's
> business, he would not realistically know that Vargas
> and McGuire would have a relationship.  Afterall, wasn't
> Mei-Wan surprised to learn about it?  If Jack knew,
> I'm pretty sure that this gossip would spread from
> husband to wife (or maybe it should have gone the
> other way?), but the captain really shouldn't be blamed
> for what he did.  He did not know--and then again,
> the personal feelings of the crew really should not
> interfere in what could be a security matter involving
> a spy and secret transmissions.

In a cold logical sense, no he should not have been expected to know. 
However, Mei-Wan was upset with Jack about their discussion of the
expedition and she was concerned about how this would hurt her friend.

Now that I think about it perhaps it might have played a little better if
there had been a week or more between when Mei-Wan found out about McGuire
and Vargas and when Jack finds out to allow the gossip to get around a bit
more.

> Then again, I wonder about this. McGuire made
> encrypted transmissions that he attempted to erase
> from the logs, but messages were apparently harmless.
> I wonder why he would have done that, especially
> attempting to erase the messages from the comm logs.
> That would just make the captain and other suspicious
> of him.  Perhaps there is more coming on here than
> I realize.
>
> I just hear Michael going right now, "Of course
> there is!"

Hmmm... could be. :)

> In essence, that is the problem with the story.
> A lot is going on, and this story does not stand
> on its own.  The first story did, and perhaps
> the third story does too, based anyway on how
> the first chapter is set up, but not this one.
> This one forces the reader to go on to the
> next one, and learn why Michael dropped in
> the G'voda and Q and the Levalum and the rest.

In one sense, that is what I want.  I want people to go on to the next
story, to keep reading. But, I think I understand your point.  You're
saying it would have worked better if it had been a story that stood alone
on its own.

Part of this is a result of the way in which I am telling the larger Dark
Horizon story.  It is intended to be one large story which will run around
twenty-six to twenty-eight installments.

In one sense the fact nothing is resolved in this story is the story.  The
situations and characters start in certain places at the beginning and by
the end everything has been changed--- Jack and Mei-Wan, Vargas and
McGuire, the ship and its problems, Jack's suspicions about the spy.

> A couple of final notes... I notice that Joe's love
> of spreading one person's dialogue over multiple
> paragraphs has been picked up by Michael, although
> he does not do it as extensively as Joe does on
> "Liberty."  Michael also gives enough identifiers to
> help the reader keep track, unlike Joe, who makes me
> at least stop and go over lines and figure out who
> said what.  It's a minor quibble, although I
> do find this particular style distracting--but
> that is personal preference...

If I think a section of dialogue has changed topic and would benefit from
being broken into another paragraph I usually do so.  I could add some bit
of description, but if I think the flow of what's going on would suffer I
just break it into a second paragraph, leaving off the quotation mark at
the end of the first one to indicate the same person is speaking.

I actually didn't pick it up from Joseph.  I have seen this used in various
works of fiction.

> sad to say, Michael, but the image in Chapter 7
> does not meet your usual high standards.  It's
> clear in this one that the individual images came
> from different sources and the quality of Jack and
> Mei-Wan do not match each other.  Undoubtedly, it
> would be hard to get photos of the two actors who
> "portray" these characters posed in such a way to
> allow the interaction, but nice try anyway.

That image was an experiment.  I had always wanted to attempt something
like that and I thought I'd give it a try.  I thought that with the source
images I started with that it turned out "okay", but I would have
liked to have spent a lot more time on it.

Sometimes the magic works, sometimes it doesn't.  :)

> The images do add to the story...

Thank you.

> then there's the G'voda ship--just how big is
> that?

I think its length is about five times that of a Borg Cube so that's
something like 15 kilometers.

> Overall, not a bad effort, and even good within
> the arc.  I guess I'm on to reading story number three.

I hope you enjoy number three and thanks for reading.

Thanks also for your comments.  They will help me refine my efforts for
future installments of Dark Horizon.

-Michael Gray
Star Trek: Dark Horizon
http://hometown.aol.com/darkhrzn91701/main.htm



------------------------ Yahoo! Groups Sponsor ---------------------~-->
Get A Free Psychic Reading!
Your Online Answer To Life's Important Questions.
http://us.click.yahoo.com/cjB9SD/od7FAA/AG3JAA/TpIolB/TM
---------------------------------------------------------------------~->

Star Trek; The E-mail Commands

Post message: trekcreative{at}yahoogroups.com Subscribe:
trekcreative-subscribe{at}yahoogroups.com Unsubscribe:
trekcreative-unsubscribe{at}yahoogroups.com List owner:
trekcreative-owner{at}yahoogroups.com Get Digest:
trekcreative-digest{at}yahoogroups.com Web only: 
trekcreative-nomail{at}yahoogroups.com Normal: trekcreative-normal{at}egroups.com

Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to http://docs.yahoo.com/info/terms/

--- BBBS/NT v4.00 MP