BASIC RULES FOR CATS WHO HAVE A HOUSE TO RUN
                                Part One
DOORS:  Do not allow closed doors in any room.  To get a door
opened, stand on your hind legs and hammer with your forepaws.
Once a door is opened, it is not necessary to use it.  After you
have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out
and think about several things.  This is particularly important
during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.
Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs.
CHAIRS AND RUGS:  If you have to throw up, get to a chair
quickly.  If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug.
If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good.  When throwing up on
the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long as the
human's bare foot.
BATHROOMS:  Always accompany guests to the bathroom.  It is not
necessary to do anything -- just sit and stare.
HAMPERING:  If one of your humans is engaged in some close
activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one.  This is
called "helping", otherwise known as "hampering".  Following are
the rules for "hampering":
A) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the
cook.  You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of
being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
B) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes
and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
C) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most
appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least
the most important part.  Pretend to doze, but every so often reach
out and slap the pencil or knitting needles.  The worker may try to
distract you; ignore it.
Remember, the aim is to hamper work.  Embroidery and needlepoint
projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell
you.
D) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on
income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind
the aim -- to hamper!  First, sit on the paper being worked on.
When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table.  When
activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering
them to the best of your ability.  After being removed for the
second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one
at a time.
E) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be
sure to jump on the back of the paper.  Humans love to jump.
WALKING:  As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as
possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they
have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first
get up in the morning.  This will help their coordination skills.
BEDTIME:  Always sleep on the human at night so s/he cannot move
around.
--- WILDMAIL!/WC v4.12 
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