On Mon, 28 Oct 2002 09:36:03 -0800 Quinn Tyler Jackson 
writes:
> > My daemon will ever be my self-doubt, and I will always be
> > overcompensating for it. I feel when I passionately put forth
> > an opinion, that even those I care about will turn away.
> > Mayhap because it's happened. Mayhap, because I
> > allow myself the hubris of thinking that my idiosyncractic
> > view of life is somehow too unique to be true. And yet,
> > when I voice these deep terrors, I find out that, "No,
> > Barb, you feel just like the rest of us."
> > [And there's a strange ugly disappointment in that -- I've
> > cast myself as so much the odd ball, I've somehow failed
> > by being NORMAL.]
> 
> Oh, hell, I hear it.... I hear it....

it seems to be a chronic complaint from those of us who THINK we're out
on society's edge
(some of us actually are, of course, but it turns out that the 'burbs
here are well populated)

> With over 30 certifications behind me, I still feel, "Is there
> something I've missed, some crack, some hole, some ..." and on it
> goes.

"It's because I can imagine so much."

> Why *do* we beat ourselves up so? In my case, I suspect it is 
> because
> I have never received so much as an attaboy from my biological 
> father
> without having to invent a cure for cancer or AIDS or something.

that certainly would give you cause
But I don't have that excuse.
The applause I'm not hearing is, largely, my own. (Oh, certainly there
are brass rings I've reached for and fallen, full length in the mud,
that's Life)

I think it's because we restive spirits tend to see what we have NOT
done, rather than what we have.

The view from without is rather different from the view from within, I
fear.
And people judge arrogance, totally overlooking the perennial (and
gaping) question marks in our true natures.

It's troublesome and troubling, and I have NO answers that I can offer
with any hope of validity (because, obviously, they don't work for me).

Ego, of course, can be a detriment -- but it is also a blessed curse (or
damned blessing), as it also wears the spurs that urges us to at least
meet ourselves, if not exceed.

It's an uneasy truce "in here" -- prone to flare up.

And, as I said, the most I can really proffer is the assurance that you
are not unnatural, you are not alone, and somehow, we manage to survive
ourselves, on the whole... (though the journey leaves scars, a few
chronic aches, and sometimes, disabilities -- ah! humanity). I'm SLOWLY
crawling toward making a sort of peace with who I am and what I am and
what I _really_ should/could be (not what I can imagine myself to be). If
there's hope in that, please drink deep of it.

-B 

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A man would do nothing if he waited until he could do it so well that no
one could find fault. --Cardinal Newman
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I do nothing in particular; but I do I very well. --W.S. Gilbert

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