> Self examination is no science -- and can hinder
> rather than cure. Still, I'm always asking WHY
> something should affect me stronger than another
> thing -- and often it is, indeed, resonance with
> doubts I already posess. And sometimes it's just a
> shot out of the dark that I just wasn't ready for. Or
> the utter shock that there are those who virulently
> hold an opinion about you, without even knowing you,
> so far from your perceived truth of self.  Oh, yes, the
> "out there" can maim without any help from the
> "in here" -- but the "in here" still should be locked
> away from the weapons cupboard.

I suspect, after thinking about it, that the reason being called a
fraud hurts so damned much is that in some way I feel (please forgive
the next adjective, please) ... entitled.

I've made a lot of sacrifices in my life. 99% of them, only I know
about, because I am quite reticent about my wants, needs, and desires.
Having become accustomed to this way of living, I have, in large part,
become entrenched in the "accommodator" role. (I am no Christ
figure -- please don't get me wrong -- ultimately, I made the
sacrifices with the hope that they would "pay off" in the long term in
the form of others' becoming healthier, and they did ... I didn't
expect no long term returns.)

One of these sacrifices was to put aside my education and career, even
though I was of scholarly inclination, for 7 years or so. If, after 11
years of losing sleep so that others would not be burdened overly by
my scholarly inclinations (in the form of doing research into the wee
hours), I felt *entitled* to that doctorate. I felt I had *earned* it.
I felt like (egads) a "special case" -- which is rather stupid,
perhaps. I had "served my time" with my family ... saved my wife from
disaster ... done my research ... worked off welfare and into a real
career ... and all the while, damaged my own health to do it, through
lost sleep and unattended stress-related illnesses on my part.

When, like a naive fool, not only did "Rick" (and all that he
represents) not feel I was entitled ... but expressed that I was a
fraud ... my hubris-adhered house of cards came tumbling down.

At this point, I said to myself, "Perhaps you are entitled to NO sense
of accomplishment, Quinn."

"But didn't you suffer for these accomplishments?"

"Yes, sure, but you yourself admit it wasn't a Christ-like altruism,
but for long term return. Finely tuned self-interest."

"Who gives without an expectation of long term betterment of the
family? What man invests, believing the bank to have no secure wall at
the back of the vault? So -- I expected everything to improve in the
long run, and that is why I gave so much at the beginning ... produce
one person who jumps in front of a bus to push air to safety."

The internal battle of high self-expectations. Tainted by
unrealistically high ideals. Reminded of my ultimately ulterior, not
entirely selfless motives by a degree that is less than I would have
earned if I had simply told everyone who needed me to solve their own
problems, on their own, without my help, while I pursued the "correct"
path that the likes of John Bear would have had me pursue. To have
earned it "their" way -- I would have had to leave a path of human
disaster behind me -- more concerned for my own trappings ... like my
former friends, who went the "proper" path, and stand
well-accomplished, but ultimately alone ... without spouses, without
children, well developed in their rock-solid credentials, but lacking
loved ones for whom they can use those credentials as tools towards
happiness.

Gads ... I sound the fool.

--
Quinn Tyler Jackson
http://members.shaw.ca/qjackson/
http://members.shaw.ca/jacksonsolutions/

--- Rachel's Little NET2FIDO Gate v 0.9.9.8 Alpha