To: 
From: "maira manno" 
Reply-To: trekcreative{at}yahoogroups.com

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While your piece is a fairly straightforward, competently executed intro,
y= ou lose more than a few points because there are more than half a dozen
edi= torial errors in just that one small sample... and I'm not counting
the stu= ff that simply marks you as a citizen of the British Empire
vis-a-vis a nit= picky Yank like me.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------=
-----

"He knew that most of his life for five years would be spent [here] and the=
 idea filled him with a strange sense of pride."

You dropped the bracketed word, I daresay.

"Lieutenant, are the microfractures bad enough that you will need to
replac= e those deck plates?".

The period at the end of the sentence is superfluous.

"'I'll have to replace it then go over any plating from the same
shipment i= ncase the flaw is common to all of them'.

"In case" is not one word.

"Brand smiled, he knew that Lieutenant Tabitha Burke, informally known
to h= er friends as Tabby, was on her first tour of duty as Chief Engineer
and sh= e was determined nothing was wrong."

"Smiled" should be followed by a period, semi-colon or even a
full colon. A=
 comma is the one piece of punctuation giving insufficient pause there. In =
addition, that third "was" should probably read "would
go," instead.

"'Understood, Contact Starfleet Command if you need any more
engineering cr= ew'."

"Contact" should be lower case in the above sentence; and, again,
the comma=
 before it is insufficient pause. It requires a period or semi-colon.

He was going to be commanding a untried ship and crew into unknown
territor= y, far beyond the range of instantaneous subspace
communication.=20

That should be "an untried ship."

The crew would essentially be on it's own should they encounter anything da= ngerous.

"It's" should be "its" in the above sentence.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------=
-----

Seven paragraphs... nine errors. While none are particularly damning,
toget= her they make the excerpt look sloppy and unprofessional. I'd love
to read = Churchill... but I shan't if I have to plow through unedited
prose.

I hope you're not offended; you did ask for feedback.
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While your piece
is a fairly=20
straightforward, competently executed intro, you lose more than a =
;few=20
points because there are more than half a dozen editorial
errors = in=20
just that one small sample... and I'm not counting the stuff that
simp= ly=20
marks you as a citizen of the British Empire vis-a-vis
a nitpicky = Yank=20
like me.



"He knew that most of his
life for five ye=
ars would=20
be spent [here] and the idea filled him with a strange sense of=20
pride."
 
You dropped the
bracketed word, I=
=20
daresay.
 
"Lieutenant, are the
microfractures bad en=
ough that=20
you will need to replace those deck plates?".
 
The period at
the end of the sente=
nce is=20
superfluous.
 
"'I=92ll have to replace
it then go over a=
ny plating=20
from the same shipment incase the flaw is common to all of them'.
 
"In
case" is not one=20
word.
 
"Brand smiled, he knew
that Lieutenant Tab=
itha=20
Burke, informally known to her friends as Tabby, was on her first tour of d= uty=20
as Chief Engineer and she was determined nothing was
wrong."
 
"Smiled" should be followed by a p=
eriod,=20
semi-colon or even a full colon. A comma is the one piece of punctuation gi= ving=20
insufficient pause there. In addition, that third "was" should
probably rea= d=20
"would go," instead.
 
"'Understood, Contact
Starfleet Command if=
 you need=20
any more engineering crew'."
 
"Contact" should be lower case in =
the above=20
sentence; and, again, the comma before it is insufficient pause.
It=20 requires a period or
semi-colon.
 
He was going to be commanding
a untried sh=
ip and=20
crew into unknown territory, far beyond the range of instantaneous subspace=
=20
communication. 
 
That should be
"an untrie=
d=20
ship."
 
The crew would essentially be
on it=92s ow=
n should=20
they encounter anything dangerous.
 
"It's"
should be "its" in the abov=
e=20
sentence.



Seven
paragraphs... nine =
errors.=20
While none are particularly damning, together they
make the excerp= t=20
look sloppy and unprofessional. I'd love to read
Churchill... but = I=20
shan't if I have to plow through unedited
prose.
 
I hope you're
not offended; you di=
d ask for=20
feedback.






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