NOTE: This message was originally addressed to MARGARET COLLINS
      and was forwarded to you by JOAN SCHULTZ
                          --------------------
Hello Margaret.  I just came across your message and wanted to voice my
view as an adoptee who would very much love to find my birth mother.
My birthmother was 19 when I was born.  She and my birthfather had
known each for 5 years, but had not been dating. (Their parents had
summer cottages next to each other.) I am a product of one summer
vacation their families had at the same time. They were not in love.
When my birthmother was 3 months pregnant she moved to another state to
live with an aunt until I was born. The aunt did not want her there, her
mother would not call her(though her father did), so she was basically
alone.  She decided to stay at the aunts after I was born, she got a job
and stayed there for a year. She left and went back home because the
aunt had surgery and others were coming to take care of her.  Also
because her parents were thinking about divorcing(mind you this is '68).
My birthmother had an identical twin sister, and also a brother.  They
were not a rich family, and from what I got in my unidentifying info, by
the time she was pregnant with me there was not much happiness in the
home.
I have known I was adopted since before I even understood what the word
meant.  It has been my life dream, and the dream of my mother to meet
the woman who loved me so much that she chose to carry me for 9 months
and to give me the best chance in life that she could.  It would have
been so much easier for her to have an abortion, or to keep me and raise
me in an already unhappy home where I may have grown up knowing that I
was not wanted there.  Or worse, she could have kept me, been kicked out
of her home and been left to hope that the "SYSTEM" would help us.  But
she did none of those, and for that I have so much love and so much
respect for her.  I don't care what she looks like(whether she's ugly or
not), I don't have any expectations for her to have to live up to.  She
already proved herself to me when she sacraficed part of her life, and
maybe even some self respect with people who are judgmental to give me
life.  And in that sense she IS my mother.
There is nothing to be afraid of.  If your son does search for you, and
he will if his parents raised him in believing that what you did was the
greatest gift to him, he will be doing it because he wants to know you.
I have never heard of anyone who wanted to spend as much time and go
through as much agony as you do trying to find a birth parent, just to
say "I hate you for not keeping me".
Of course he has questions, we all do.  When you are adopted there is a
BIG space inside you that NO ONE can ever fill EXCEPT your birthmother.
I would not trade my parents in for the world.  My mother is my best
friend and I love her like no one else, but I still need that space
filled.  I still need the wonderful woman who gave me my life.
I do also realize that outside of the immediate family, no one may know
of me. She may have a husband who never heard of me.  I have no desire
to walk to her door and say "Hi, remember me? You gave me up when you
were 19".  I don't want to ruin her life just so that I can thank her
for mine.
Trust yourself, trust the child you gave up.  It is a hard road
searching and if he does try it will be out of love for you.  Make it
easy for him.  Call the place where the adoption was finalized and have
them state in the record that if he contacts them for information, that
you consent to being contacted.  You can do it through the agency so
that he doesn't have an address or phone number until you are ready. You
can communicate through letters.  If he never contacts them then you
will know that it is his choice not to know.
I wish you much happiness, and I hope that your fears will one day be
eased.  I truly in my heart believe that that child knows why you did
what you did and doesn't hate you for it.
God bless
Joan Schultz
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