-=> Kurt Weiske wrote to All <=-

 KW> The Holiness of Coffee, Part I


 KW> The Coffee Theory of Civilization is simple and indisputable: Coffee
 KW> caused European civilization.

Nuff said

 KW> Compare Scandinavia B.C.:

 KW> Crude Viking raiders
 KW> Subsistence farmers
 KW> Bestiality

 KW> with Scandinavia A.D. :

 KW> Nobel Peace Prize
 KW> Euthanasia
 KW> Socialism
 KW> Danish modern furniture.

 KW> Historical evidence suggests that the beginning of the Baroque period
 KW> in art closely with the infusion of coffee into the indigenous European
 KW> cultures.

 KW> Coffee was first introduced in Southern Italy and soon spread
 KW> northward,  in the same sequence as baroqueness. The advent of the
 KW> Roccoco period coincides with the advent of expresso methods. However,
 KW> even Coffee has proven a mixed blessing, as the genesis  of the
 KW> insurance racket  can be traced to  Lloyd's coffee  house  in  London,
 KW> where habities  wagered on  the safe  arrival of seagoing trading
 KW> vessels.

 KW> Selflessly braving  untold  hazards,  the  authors  have  collected
 KW> several primitive chants  from the  secret javacrucian  sect, which
 KW> are recited  by cultists while grinding beans, during the
 KW> transsubstantion of water into starter fluid, and  while  actually
 KW> imbibing.  The  most  widely  practiced javacrucian rite is as follows:


 KW> Facing Rising Sun (where applicable; otherwise generic East or any
 KW> source of light will do),  and holding the  mug of Brewe,  celebrant
 KW> takes first  sip, elevates mug, and intones, "Gods, I needed that!" and
 KW> means it.


 KW> Other rare and previously unrecorded chants are offered below:

 KW> A Grinding Invocation:
 KW>     We all worship the Black Bean
 KW>     Body of God, Caffeine
 KW>     Where there is Life There is Coffee!
 KW>     Where there is Coffee there is Life!
 KW>     (repeat as needed)

 KW> Hayduke's Transubstantiation chant:
 KW>     Chemicals! Chemicals!
 KW>     Chemicals! Chemicals!, etc.

 KW> Jamaican Blue Coffee Chant:
 KW>      Ja-va! Ja-va! Ja-va!!

 KW> North America, circa 1940:
 KW>     I like Coffee, I like Tea,
 KW>     I like the Java-Jive and it likes me!

 KW> The little-known Creation myth of the Javacrucians was channeled one
 KW> Beltane Morning by Brother Buffalo, and promptly  forgotten by all, who
 KW> had not  yet imbined  the  Sacred Substance.   Careful anthropological
 KW> research suggests that it had something to do with the great God
 KW> fillintheblank being deterred from utter destruction of  mankind in a
 KW> fit  of disgust with the  lesser god Java.


 KW> ... Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can.
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