The Holiness of Coffee, Part I


The Coffee Theory of Civilization is simple and indisputable: Coffee  caused 
European civilization.

Compare Scandinavia B.C.:

Crude Viking raiders
Subsistence farmers
Bestiality

with Scandinavia A.D. :

Nobel Peace Prize
Euthanasia
Socialism
Danish modern furniture. 

Historical evidence suggests that the beginning of the Baroque period in art 
closely with the infusion of coffee into the indigenous European cultures.

Coffee was first introduced in Southern Italy and soon spread northward,  in 
the same sequence as baroqueness. The advent of the Roccoco period coincides 
with the advent of expresso methods. However, even Coffee has proven a mixed 
blessing, as the genesis  of the insurance racket  can be traced to  Lloyd's 
coffee  house  in  London,  where habities  wagered on  the safe  arrival of 
seagoing trading vessels.

Selflessly braving  untold  hazards,  the  authors  have  collected  several 
primitive chants  from the  secret javacrucian  sect, which  are recited  by 
cultists while grinding beans, during the transsubstantion of water into
starter fluid, and  while  actually  imbibing.  The  most  widely  practiced 
javacrucian rite is as follows:


Facing Rising Sun (where applicable; otherwise generic East or any source of 
light will do),  and holding the  mug of Brewe,  celebrant takes first  sip, 
elevates mug, and intones, "Gods, I needed that!" and means it.


Other rare and previously unrecorded chants are offered below:

A Grinding Invocation:
    We all worship the Black Bean
    Body of God, Caffeine
    Where there is Life There is Coffee!
    Where there is Coffee there is Life!
    (repeat as needed)

Hayduke's Transubstantiation chant:
    Chemicals! Chemicals!
    Chemicals! Chemicals!, etc.

Jamaican Blue Coffee Chant:
     Ja-va! Ja-va! Ja-va!!

North America, circa 1940:
    I like Coffee, I like Tea,
    I like the Java-Jive and it likes me!

The little-known Creation myth of the Javacrucians was channeled one Beltane 
Morning by Brother Buffalo, and promptly  forgotten by all, who had not  yet 
imbined  the  Sacred Substance.   Careful anthropological  research suggests 
that it had something to do with the great God fillintheblank being deterred 
from utter destruction of  mankind in a fit  of disgust with the  lesser god 
Java.


... Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can.
--- MultiMail/DOS v0.52