Message-ID: 

Here's my review of the latest outing from WWE, based on "how much
money was this match worth?"  At the end, I add it all up and see if
the PPV as a whole was worth the sum of its matches.

I didn't feel like driving all the way to Torch HQ to watch the PPV,
but figured Brock putting over Eddie and Angle carrying Cena and Big
Show to a watchable match would be worth me driving to the local
sports bar to watch it.

Before it started, I was wondering how many times they'd show the
empty chair that Goldberg was supposed to sit in, and how late in
the PPV he'd show up.  If he shows up late, it means the undercard
is so boring that he didn't even care to watch it.  If he doesn't
care--why should the fans?

I didn't watch Heat, but caught the 30-minute pre-PPV-hype recapping
everything I already saw on Smackdown and replayed on Velocity.

Sable and Torrie walked to the ring and chatted about being in
Playboy.  I sort of expected Stacy and Miss Jackie to come out to
set up the WrestleMania match.  Considering they were in Frisco,
maybe they should have sent Rico out instead of the playmates.

RATING: $0.25

1.  Rikishi & Scotty 2 Hotty over Bashams & Shaniqua in 7:38

Neither Rikishi nor Scotty belong on PPV.  The Bashams might some
day, but not yet.  The action was no more and no less than one might
expect from these five, and if I had booked it 9assuming I couldn't
have cut the match entirely) I would have kept it closer to five
minutes.  As expected, the tag titles did not go back to the
Bashams, as they are still being punished for Shaniqua showing up
late.

MATCH RATING: $0.10


2.  Jamie Noble over Nidia in 4:25

Not quite what I would have expected from this match.  I expected
five minutes of Jamie walking around with his arms outstretched
(like Nowinski sleepwalking) when we all know damn well you can see
through the blindfolds.  Instead of a blindfold, they used a hood
and Jamie kept taking it off to see where he was.  Nidia was wearing
a tight t-shirt that for some reason never came off.  I thought when
chicks got boob jobs they always wanted to show off the surgeon's
"work".  Guess it doesn't apply when it's her second operation.  WWE
swerved us all by not having Nidia win.

MATCH RATING: $0.85


3.  WGTT over APA (Faarooq & Bradshaw) in 7:20

I'd be willing to bet money that less than 50% of the WWE viewing
audience no longer knows what "APA" stands for.  You know, if they
had put WGTT vs The Bashams, that might have been a watchable match.
Then they could have moved the two jobber teams (Rikishi/Scotty and
APA) to Heat where they belong (assuming you keep them employed at
all).  Bradshaw's right arm was wrapped.  I was wondering if he hid
a foreign object in it to make his clothesline from hell more
intense, but I'm guessing it was just from a "shower accident".  The
match turned out better than I had expected, but I had low hopes for
all but the top three matches on the card.

MATCH RATING: $0.35


Goldberg arrived (wearing a "Santa's Slay" t-shirt) and security
escorted him to his seat.  I guess I don't blame him for not wanting
to see those first three matches, though Noble/Nidia wasn't that
bad.  I'm positive that when they showed the empty seat earlier
(with Eddie's picture on it, in case there was any doubt about who
would win the title) there was a tall skinny guy sitting on either
side of it, but when Goldberg sat down, there was a short fat girl
on one side and a short fat guy on the other.  Some sick kid with
his face covered with bandages came over and Goldberg hugged him.  I
thought it might have been Rey Mysterio.

Paul Heyman came to the ring and cut a promo on Goldberg.  After a
bit, Brock also came to the ring.  They did a funny bit where Brock
would taunt Goldberg, telling him to get in the ring now and Paul
would say "no, don't!"  It reminded me of all the cartoons where
someone is trying to decide to do the Right Thing or do what they'd
like and there is an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other.

Goldberg jumped the railing and for some reason security didn't stop
him.  Maybe I should try that next time I'm at a WWE show.  Heyman
distracted Goldberg.  Brock charged Goldberg and threw several
shoulder blocks at him, which Goldberg no-sold.  Goldberg gave Brock
a Jackhammer.

Security finally came out and Goldberg allowed them to put him in
handcuffs and apparently take him off to jail.

RATING: $0.75

4.  Hardcore Holly over Rhyno in 9:50

I'm guessing they set this match up on Heat.  When Holly ran to the
ring I felt the urge to upchuck.  I was wondering if WWE would
confiscate a sign which read "The Wrong Holly Is Dead".  Rhyno was
bad in ECW.  He's slightly better in WWE, but still doesn't belong
on PPVs or Smackdown.  This match consisted of many very long
restholds.  The crowd was dead except for the gore and the Alabama
Slam.  If this match has to be on PPV, it was at least twice as long
as it deserved to be.

MATCH RATING: $0.05


5.  Chavo Jr over Rey in 17:11

I think I posted to RSPW earlier that what they *should* do is give
Chavo the win (and fairly cleanly) since Rey is over without the
belt.  Glad to see they went with that.  They even gave them enough
time to tell a story.  Considering the PPV only ran 2.5 hours, they
probably should have given this match another five minutes.  Jorge
Paez got sent to the back by the ref when he hit Chavo Sr.  This was
a good thing anyway, because his orange suit (that he probably
borrowed from Tazzz, except Tazzz is shorter) was hard on the eyes.
Chavo's Purple tights weren't much better.  Lots of good mat work
and good flying moves as well.  Rey went to the top rope, Chavo Jr.
distracted the ref and Chavo Sr. shoved Rey off the top rope. Rey
clotheslined the top rope with his neck and then Chavo Jr. scored
the pin.

MATCH RATING: $6.00

Chavo Jr & Sr celebrated backstage, mocking Eddie's dressing room
door (or more likely, a broom closet with Eddie's name on it).

RATING: $0.10


6.  Kurt Angle over John Cena and Big Show in 12:19

There were a lot of awkward spots where two men would be fighting
and the third had to continue selling an injury, or look on
cluelessly.  It started out with a funny bit where Cena waited in
the corner and laughed at Angle getting beat up by Big Show.  Before
the match they listed Angle as being an inch taller than Cena
(wrong) but listed Cena as being 25(?) pounds heavier.  WTF?  On
Smackdown, didn't Cena say he wasn't sure if he could FU Big Show?
He's already done it.  Twice.  When he did it for a third time in
this match, though, they didn't have a camera on his face showing
the "oh crap, this guy's heavy" look before he put him over.  There
were a couple funny moments (that I'm sure Cena or someone will use
on a future Smackdown) where Angle was behind Show and trying to
throw him backwards, but looking more like he was trying to mount
him from behind.  Finish came when Angle dumped Show over the top
rope and then made Cena tap to the ankle lock.  Good match, but how
much longer will they drag out the Angle heel turn?

MATCH RATING: $4.50


7.  Eddie Guerrero over Brock Lesnar in 29:55

This match started a mere two hours into the PPV, so they had an
hour left (except that most PPVs end 15 minutes before the hour to
set up for the replay).  I was kind of surprised when it ended in
under 30 minutes.  The match started with Brock throwing Eddie
around with power moves.  By the end of the match Eddie was bleeding
from a cut on his right shoulder and Brock bled from his nose when
his head hit a turnbuckle pad.  The ref bump happened when Brock
spun Eddie for an F5 but the ref was in the way.  The crowd stood
up, faced the entryway, and chanted "Goldberg".  Guess the WWE have
their audience conditioned to know what happens when a ref bump
occurs.  With the ref down, Brock grabbed his title and hit Eddie.
Finally, Goldberg jogged to the ring to a nice pop.  No explanation
was given on how Goldberg escaped from the handcuffs or got out of
jail.  Eddie covered Brock, the ref woke up, but Brock kicked out.
Eddie swung with the belt but missed.  Brock tried to F5 Eddie on
the belt, but Eddie turned it into a DDT on the belt.  Eddie then
hit the Frog Splash for the win.  Eddie went into the crowd in
celebration.  After a while, security dragged him back out.  Eddie
held the belt in the air in celebration, then found his mother in
the crowd.  He hugged her.  Eddie stood on the announcers table and
saluted the crowd. 

MATCH RATING: $10.00

The Spanish announce table survived the entire PPV unscathed, there
was only one real run-in (Goldberg), and only the one expected ref
bump to set it up.  No blade jobs, either.

There were some humorous signs asking for the returns of Marty
Jannety and X-Pac.

- = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = -

TOTAL MATCH RATINGS: $21.85

TOTAL SKIT RATING: $1.10

TOTAL PPV RATING: $22.95

WWE price of the PPV: $3x.99.  By that measure, I didn't get my
money's worth.

I spent about $3.60 in gas and $20.00 on food and beer, so by that
token I almost got my money's worth.

This makes it the best PPV I've seen since WrestleMania 19, and it
came very close to beating that.

Thanks to pwTorch for the match results, so I didn't have to
scribble down notes instead of enjoying the PPV.  

- = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = -

For comparison, here's what I thought of the PPVs I saw in the last
couple of years:

WWF Wrestlemania 1998         1998/03/   unrated
WCW Spring Stampede 1998      1998/04/19 $24.10
WWF IYH: Unforgiven 1998      1998/04/26 $ 9.95
WCW Slamboree 1998            1998/05/17 $27.95
WCW Great American Bash 1998  1998/06/14 $28.05
WWF King of the Ring 1998     1998/06/28 $22.50
WCW Bash at the Beach 1998    1998/07/12 $17.35
ECW Heatwave 1998             1998/08/02 $24.90
WCW Road Wild 1998            1998/08/08 $29.80
WWF IYH: Fully Loaded 1998    1998/07/26 $ 6.95
WWF SummerSlam 1998           1998/08/30 $10.20
WCW Fall Brawl 1998           1998/09/13 $23.60
WWF Judgement Day 1998        1998/10/18 $25.10
WCW Halloween Havoc 1998      1998/10/25 $49.50
ECW November to Remember 1998 1998/11/01 $25.75
WWF Survivor Series 1998      1998/11/15 $21.40
WWF IYH: Rock Bottom 1999     1998/12/13 $ 8.40
ECW Guilty as Charged 1999    1999/01/10 $26.10
WCW Souled Out 1999           1999/01/17 $29.10
WWF Royal Rumble 1999         1999/01/24 $23.00
WWF St Val Day Massacre 1999  1999/02/14 $20.90
WCW SuperBrawl 1999           1999/02/21 $21.35
WCW Uncensored 1999           1999/03/14 $32.00
ECW Living Dangerously 1999   1999/03/21 $25.90
WCW Spring Stampede 1999      1999/04/11 $38.00
WCW Slamboree 1999            1999/05/09 $21.10
ECW Hardcore Heaven 1999      1999/05/09 $15.30
WWF King of the Ring 1999     1999/06/27 $13.40
WCW Bash at the Beach 1999    1999/07/11 $20.70
WWF Fully Loaded 1999         1999/07/25 $10.80
WCW Road Wild 1999            1999/08/14 $13.90
WWF SummerSlam 1999           1999/08/22 $19.05
WCW Fall Brawl 1999           1999/09/12 $12.85
ECW Ararchy Rulz 1999         1999/09/19 $32.25
WWF No Mercy 1999             1999/10/17 $13.00
WCW Halloween Havoc 1999      1999/10/24 $ 3.35
ECW November to Remember 1999 1999/11/07 $28.45
WWF Survivor Series 1999      1999/11/14 $10.95
WCW Meyhem 1999               1999/11/21 $17.75
WWF Armageddon 1999           1999/12/12 $22.05
WCW Starrcade 1999            1999/12/19 $23.65
ECW Guilty as Charged         2000/01/09 $25.70
WCW Souled Out                2000/01/16 $13.20
WWF Royal Rumble              2000/01/23 $20.00
WWF No Way Out                2000/02/27 $16.95
ECW Living Dangerously        2000/03/12 $21.80
WCW Uncensored                2000/03/19 $21.65
WWF WrestleMania              2000/04/02 $22.05
WCW Spring Stampede           2000/04/16 $23.70
WWF Backlash                  2000/04/30 $25.65
WCW Slamboree                 2000/05/07 $23.55
ECW Hardcore Heaven           2000/05/14 $23.05
WWF Judgment Day              2000/05/21 $11.25
WCW Great American Bash       2000/06/11 $16.55
WWF King of the Ring          2000/06/25 $ 1.40
WCW Bash at the Beach         2000/07/09 missed
ECW Heat Wave                 2000/07/16 $15.50
WWF Fully Loaded              2000/07/23 $24.40
WCW New Blood Rising          2000/08/13 $31.00
WWF SummerSlam                2000/08/27 $24.90
WCW                           2000/09/17 missed
WWF Unforgiven                2000/09/24 $16.65
ECW Anarchy Rulz              2000/10/01 $21.30
ECW                           2000/11/   missed
WWF Survivor Series           2000/11/   missed
ECW Massacre on 34th Street   2000/12/03 $ 9.65
WWF                           2000/12/   missed
ECW Guilty As Charged         2001/01/07 $15.70
WWF                           2001/01/   missed
WCW Superbrawl Revenge        2001/02/18 $37.60
WCW Greed                     2001/03/   missed
WWF WrestleMania              2001/04/01 $29.50
WWF                           2001/05/   missed
WWF King of the Ring          2001/06/24 $16.55
WWF Invasion                  2001/07/22 $15.25
WWF SummerSlam                2001/08/   missed
WWF                           2001/09/   missed
WWF                           2001/10/   missed
WWF Survivor Series           2001/11/18 $11.25
WWF Royal Rumble              2002/01/20 $14.15
WWF No Way Out                2002/02/17 $ 3.40
WWF WrestleMania              2002/03/17 $25.30/$36.40
WWF King of the Ring          2002/06/23 $ 6.55/$10.15
NWA TNA                       2002/08/14 $11.60/$12.20
WWF SummerSlam                2002/08/25 $21.10/$21.10
WWF Unforgiven                2002/09/22 $17.50/$21.15
WWF No Mercy                  2002/10/20 $16.85/$20.00
WWF Survivor Series           2002/11/17 $ 7.50/$ 9.20
WWF Royal Rumble              2003/01/19 $19.55/$19.55
WWF WrestleMania XIX          2003/03/30 $22.55/$23.45
WWE SummerSlam                2003/08/24 $16.25/$16.55
NWA TNA                       2003/09/10 $12.50/$14.00
WWE Survivor Series           2003/11/16 $ 8.10/$ 8.60
WWE No Way Out                2004/02/15 $21.85/$22.95

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--- Internet Rex 2.29