Well I think it's better to have a husband than not to, if he is a GOOD
husband; however, I'd rather be single than be married to another 
drunk.
.
There was a time when I wouldn't have said this, but I spent some time 
in Al-Anon family groups, as I had been married to TWO drunks/drug 
abusers and had lived with a third when I hit my bottom with my own 
codependency and enabling.   In Al-Anon I learned to like myself and to
prefer my own company to the wrong company.  That was a real change for
me.  My current husband isn't perfect.  He has his days - especially 
since his heart attack last Sept.   When he is tired or under stress he
can be very harsh and nasty.  (That's when I call him my Old GROUCH - 
to his face too.  GRIN)  However because he is 15 years sober and I am 
ten, we can go to counseling and work on our marriage - we can talk 
about our problems and find real solutions.  (NOT always on the first 
try, I might add)  We are trying to learn to work together on our 
problems instead of tearing each other apart.  He also tries his best 
to stay employed in a decent job.  Not working right now and only 
having been able to work part time after his heart attack was very 
difficult for him, unlike the other men in my life who were chronically
unemployed or under-employed in dead-end jobs that didn't require any 
work or achieving.  It's a big improvement in marriage.
.
Of course what makes it harder is he had also been in several really 
awful relationships - including marriage - before meeting me.  So we 
both are a bit paranoid - with reason - and our defenses go up really 
quickly, as a result of the "history".  I think that is probably why 
the couples counseling is needed for us.
.
But a relationship that is good is wonderful  I think the reason people
in recovery - both AA, Al-Anon and in other areas - have so much 
problems with relationships is that it's normal to have that much 
trouble.  I realized this one day at my CHurch.  Alot of folks in my 
Church come from backgrounds where nobody drank, smoked, or even drank 
coffee and tea for religious reasons for generations.  Most of these 
folks I was talking with also come from good homes because the religion
also lays a special stress on the importance of family.  Yet we had an 
all women's meeting and some of the women were kvetching (B*tching) 
that their husbands didn't spend enough time with them and were always 
on the computer playing games or were workaholics or hid themselves in 
Church work and were just as not available as guys who are alcoholics, 
addicts, and compulsive gamblers - except they don't do so much DAMAGE.
.
This made me realize that the problems in my earlier relationships were
problems EVERYONE had; however, they were exagerated by the use and 
abuse of alcohol and drugs on both sides.  That's why I needed to go to
Al-Anon or CODA or some such thing to cope.  I realized relationships 
were hard on EVERYONE not just on us recovering folks.  And somehow 
knowing that made it easier.  I know that's a paradox, yet it's true.
.
You talk about "Phil" and your hubby in a way that makes me assume they
are the same person and that you are a widow, am I right?  That BITES -
I mean really.  I had a taste of that in the hospital when my husband 
had his heart attack and 2 coronary arrests where he was "dead" and 
they had to zap him with electrically charged paddles a couple of times
to bring him back to life.  I don't know exactly what it's like; 
however, I've also been seeing my lovely step-mom going through this 
since my Dad died last February 10th.   I'm sure it must be very 
difficult for you.  Even if it's not a recent thing, it's not something
someone gets over in a hurry, I'm sure.  And I'm sure your home seems 
really empty.
.
I hope you let yourself get really THROUGH the grieving process before 
you even consider dating again.  I know that is part of what I did 
wrong and why I ended up with 3 alcoholic/addict men in my life, one 
after the other.  My sponsor in AA pointed out I didn't let myself 
grieve over the divorces and the seperation, so I just jumped into 
something else trying to avoid the pain and ended up in a mess again.
She suggested to me, when the last of those relationships ended, that I
take the time to grieve for it and to get to know myself again.  I 
don't think that it's any accident that I ended up with the only okay 
relationship I've ever had after taking that advice.  I know this 
husband was a good relationship for you and it was a death, not a 
divorce; however, I believe that it's still sound advice for anyone.
.
And about bald men, I think it's because they THINK too hard - everyone
of them I 've known was pretty intelligent. (GRIN)
--- TriToss (tm) Professional 11.0 - #66
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