> An Open Letter to My Pets



 > Dear Dogs and Cats,

 > The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain
 > your food. The
 > other' dishes are mine and contain my food. Please
 > note, placing a paw
 > print in the middle of my plate and food does not
 > stake a claim for it
 > becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that
 > aesthetically pleasing
 > in the slightest.

 > The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a
 > racetrack.
 > Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping
 > me doesn't help
 > because I fall faster than you can run.

 > I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I
 > am very sorry
 > about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on
 > the couch to
 > ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl
 > up in a ball when
 > they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular
 > to each other
 > stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also
 > know that
 > sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging
 > out the other
 > end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

 > For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the
 > bathroom. If by
 > some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the
 > door shut, it is
 > not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the
 > knob or get your
 > paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I
 > must exit through
 > the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the
 > bathroom for
 > years -canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

 > The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other
 > dog or cat's
 > behind. I cannot stress this enough!

 > To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the
 > following message on
 > our front door:

 > All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About
 > Our Pets:

 > 1. They live here. You don't.

 > 2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay
 > off the
 > furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)

 > 3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most
 > people.

 > 4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted
 > son/daughter
 > who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't
 > speak clearly.

 > Remember: Dogs and Cats are better then kids because
 > they:

 > 1. Eat less

 > 2. Don't ask for money all the time

 > 3. Are easier to train

 > 4. Usually come when called

 > 5. Never drive your car

 > 6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends

 > 7. Don't smoke or drink

 > 8. Don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions

 > 9. Don't wear your clothes

 > 10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and

 > 11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children

... Legally!

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