Things have been very difficult of late. So many
new things coming up as far as the memories of the
abuse.  I see that as good and bad. I know that
in order to move beyond these things that I have to
deal with the things that surface. And I am finding
out that these memories explain things that I wasn't
aware of before.
I began writing what has been going on this year as
far as therapy, in essay form. I've changed some of
the details as far as family composition and changed
most of the names. I finished the part that will go
in the March issue of Our Journey which will address
abuse issues, but still continue to write what has
been surfacing and how I feel about it all. Who knows,
perhaps it will become the book that so many have told
me that I should write.
It's been rather traumatic. I don't want to believe
that people can do these kinds of things to children.
But, I realize they do and am working through the
new stuff.
I went to the dentist last week and was triggered big
time. I was mad at Steve for a while because he was the
one always telling me that if I have panic attacks to
think about why I am feeling paniced. Well, I did and a
whole bunch of new memories rose to the surface. I
don't think I was connected to the feelings that went
along with the memories...that is still something that I
will have to work on with Steve...but just the memories
themselves were overwhelming and I shut down because of
overload. When I talked to my friend, Anne, that night
because I couldn't get hold of Steve, I kept saying that
it couldn't happen. That what I remember was impossible.
But it was all part of me trying to deny the truth of
what I remember.
On Tuesday Steve had asked me why did I think I had a
problem with women touching me or hugging me, but not
men who did the major proportion of the abuse. I had
no idea. Just knew that it was true.
Well, with this newest batch of memories that surfaced
on Wednesday at the dentist appointment, I/we now
understand why. During many of the times when there
was abuse related to the group, it was the women who
not only abused me to a certain extent, but who held
me so that the men could do what they wanted. And the
feeling of being hugged by women brings those feelings
to the surface...even when I didn't understand why they
were there.
Talking to Steve, he asked what I felt during the abuse...
what I felt when I remembered and I wasn't attached to any
of that. He asked what I was feeling at the time and I
wasn't even really connected to that. I had to work hard at
figuring out what I was feeling. But this is how it has
happened in the past too, first the memory and then the feelings.
I don't look forward to the feelings and know that on an
unconscious level I am resisting that because I really want
to hurt myself. That has been a struggle lately on an off
again on again basis...so I am glad that Bob & Molly have
the exacto knife and blades that I use with stamping because
I would otherwise use them on myself.
This is so hard. During Friday's session Steve also asked
me what I thought about the memories...if I  thought it
was an initiation of sorts. I told him it wasn't for me, but
I know that isn't what he meant. I told him I was having a
hard enough time in dealing with the details, but I could
tell him what Anne has speculated and what I am beginning
to see. It was really hard to tell him because I didn't
know how he would take it. I hadn't even shared with him
the very clear memory I have of lieing on a raised platform
and having a man above me with a dagger in both hands as
if he were going to kill me. Well, I told him that for a
long time Anne has suspected cult/ritual abuse and there is
a good chance that it involves the masons. Steve asked me
if I knew what level my father was at. I told him I had
no idea. That all I knew for sure was that I had an uncle
on my mom's side who was as high up as you could go in 
shriners and that there were many on my dad's side as well
in masons. I do know my parents were involved, but not the
details.  Even if mom didn't participate in the abuse (and
I don't have memories that she did) she had to have known
it was going on because of the damage to me.
Anyway, Steve was very open. He said that, although our
primary work is dealing with what I remember and how I felt
and moving beyond this and the effects it is having on my
life, that knowing the context of the abuse might help me
to a certain extent...sort of put it in a context. He told
me that he had heard a few years ago, although he wasn't
sure if it were true or not and I don't know either, that
once you get to the higher levels in masonry that the 
initiation rights are exactly the same as those to become
a witch, except that the one used human sacrafice and 
masons didn't.  I don't know enough about it to know. I 
just continue to tell Anne that I am doing my best just to
handle what I remember.
Having to deal with this on top of the unsurety about
medicare has complicated matters. But I am trying to
deal with these things in a healthy way. Just wish I
didn't have to deal with them and that they would all
go away. But I know if they did that that I wouldn't have
dealt with them and my coping mechanisms and self-destructive
behaviors would continue.
So I am taking life one day at a time!
Thanks for listening.
Wendy
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... No one can go forward without finishing the past. - Claudia Black
___ Blue Wave/QWK v2.12
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