G'day All,

Proof that other countries have their Paul Edwards, too.  Some loonier
than others.  


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>From tcontrer{at}ccs.carleton.ca Fri Jan 17 15:44:24 1997
>Date: Fri, 17 Jan 97 9:12:40 EST
>From: Tom contreras 
>To: dstaflun{at}consecol.org
>Subject: story from Colin (fwd)

{bobbitt}

>> > Ok, the story behind this... There's this tripped out guy who digs
>> > things out his back yard and sends the stuff he finds to the
>> > Smithsonian Institute, labelling them with scientific names,
>> > insisting that they are actual archeological finds. The really
>> > weird thing about these letters is that this guy really exists and
>> > does this in his spare time!
>> >
>> > Anyway... here's a letter from the Smithsonian Instutate from when
>> > he sent them a Barbie doll head.
>> >
>> >
>> > Paleoanthropology Division
>> >
>> > Smithsonian Institute
>> > 207 Pennsylvania Avenue
>> > Washington, DC 20078
>> >
>> >
>> > Dear Sir:
>> >
>> > Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled
>> > "211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post.
Hominid skull."
>> > We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination,
>> > and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it
>> > represents "conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in
>> > Charleston County two million years ago."  Rather, it appears that
>> > what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety
>> > one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the
>> > "Malibu Barbie". It is evident that you have given
a great deal of
>> > thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite
>> > certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in
>> > the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings.
>> > However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes
>> > of the specimen which might have tipped you off to it's modern
>> > origin:
>> >
>> >      1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are
>> > typically fossilized bone.
>> >
>> >      2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9
>> > cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest
>> > identified proto-hominids.
>> >
>> >      3. The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more
>> > consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the
>> > "ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the
>> > wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one of
>> > the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history
>> > with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather
>> > heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say
>> > that:
>> >
>> >           A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that
>> >              a dog has chewed on.
>> >
>> >           B. Clams don't have teeth.
>> >
>> > It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your
>> > request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to
>> > the heavy load our lab must bear in it's normal operation, and
>> > partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of
>> > recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie
>> > dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely
>> > to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also deny
>> > your request that we approach the National Science Foundation's
>> > Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen
>> > the scientific name "Australopithecus spiff-arino." Speaking
>> > personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of
>> > your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the
>> > species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound
>> > like it might be Latin.
>> >
>> > However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this
>> > fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a
>> > hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example
>> > of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so
>> > effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a
>> > special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens
>> > you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire
>> > staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your
>> > digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard. We eagerly
>> > anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in
>> > your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to
>> > pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand
>> > on your theories surrounding the "trans-positating fillifitation
>> > of ferrous ions in a structural matrix" that makes the excellent
>> > juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on
>> > the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman
>> > automotive crescent wrench.
>> >
>> >
>> >                               Yours in Science,
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >                               Harvey Rowe
>> >
>> >                               Curator, Antiquities

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