Things have been really tough for me, although thankfully
my pain level has decreased a little bit...but the panic
attacks have increased. If it isn't one thing it is
another. I hate panic attacks, but can usually handle
them with the med's help.  
I've been struggling with a lot of things, most that I
won't talk about. It's hard because I'm running into
old thought patterns and things that I was taught...
distortions on what was truth about what God felt and
that He loves and cares about me. It's hard to remember
the true things. All the stress has definitely caused
an increase in my panic attacks and my asthma symptoms.
I asked my MD yesterday why my peak flow meter would
say that I was breathing just fine and yet it was hard
to catch my breath. He said easy...it is anxiety. So
I am going to the MD next week (specialist) and see what
we can do. I'm still on the prednisone but should be off
it in another week.
I hate October, for the most part. Or more accurately, I hate
halloween and the evil that surrounds it, the bad feelings
that I sense. It makes it a tough month. But I do like the
fall leaves and Steve, my therapist, as well as another friend
or ttwo have told me that my birthday is worth celebrating.
I know this intellectually, but it is a lot harder emotionally.
I've been keeping busy with various projects.  I got all
the cards, magnets, and gift bags done for the bazaars, as
well as earrings made to sell. I'm hoping this will generate
enough money to cover my Christmas gifts and my RX as well
as a few groceries.  I've also been working to complete a
60 card order. I'm almost done with that...only 12 cards
left to do along with a couple more that I'll send to be
added to my web page. I've gotten letters back from most
of those that I wrote about being able to use their stamps
if I handstamp my cards. The only ones with absolute no
are Hero Arts and Rubber Stampede. DJ Inkers will let you
only if you pay a $50 fee, sign a contract, and pay them
.50 an item that sells, per month. Not reasonable as far
as I'm concerned (and unaffordable), especially because
for the most part I only have her background stamps. I now
have a brayer to play with more.
Anyway, it keeps me busy and I'm even only a week behind in
the shows that I've taped to watch when I go to bed early.
I'm trying to be good to myself. I think my pain level
is probably less because I haven't been pushing myself as
hard. Too much stress in other places so I've cut back on
what I do.
But I am proud of myself for finally realizing that I don't
have to defend myself to others, nor do I have to defend
my therapist (there's a story to this that I won't go
into). That is a major triumph for me and it couldn't be
said a couple months ago. I find that I'm feeling less
guilt because I am too exhausted and emotionally drained to
do much. I keep telling myself that it is okay to treat
myself with kindness and not push it, even if it means not
getting dressed all day. :-)
Thanks for the few of you who have sent notes and gifts. I
really do appreciate them and they have brightened my day!
I'll get through this one day at a time!
Wendy
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... My NEW web page!!   http://www.knoxgroup.com/cards
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