re - fighting GOd's will less these days and looking more for his 
guidance - frankly I am afraid to look at what my Higher Power's will 
is for me these days.  Since my Dad's most unpleasant death and my 
husband's heart attack, with 2 coronary arrests (that REALLY freaks me 
out - which is why I keep mentioning it) last fall, as well as a parcel
of legal problems, some due to his job, some due to his ex, some due to
my Dad's death, etc.  and also things like his job threatening to fire 
him, my SSI being up for medical redetermination,  my building being 
possibly repossesed from my landlord and his wife by the bank, etc.
I am having trouble believing that my Higher Power's will for me is 
benign some days.  It seems like my whole life is being torn apart and 
put back together again.
.
As I've shared before, the problems is not where I am right now.  Today
I am fine - I have what I need, if not what I want.  The Higher Power 
has provided for me every day of my life what I NEED or I wouldn't be 
here right now.  THe same is true for my husband.   I look at his life 
and I KNOW Someone Greater than any mere mortal was watching out for 
him or he wouldn't have survived right now.
.
The problem is the fear - that turns into that gnawing anxiety that 
rears at my gut until I find myself screaming, crying and panicking in 
total hysteria at the drop of a hat.  And what to do about this, I just
don't know.  I know a drink or an illegal drug or abusing other 
substances could certainly make it seem to go away for a short time.
But then, when it wears offf, I'd be left with the SAME problems - plus
a new one, and that's finding the supply for my addiction or dealing 
with the mental obsession and physical compulsion until I sobered off.
I am grateful that someone told me when I came into the halls this time
that they had some bad news for me and some good news for me.  The bad 
news was that, if I was an alcoholic and an addict like them I could 
never drink or drug in safety because the very first drink or drug 
would set off that same physical compulsion , that drove me to more and
more and more and......   The good news was that I never had to go 
through the process of getting cleaned up and sobered up again, if I 
stayed away from one drink and one drug, for one day and continued to 
do that a day at  a time, consecutively.
.
I've been repeating some of this a lot lately in different cyberspace 
forums of all types available to me because I know I need to remember 
that using or drinking again is not the answer - no matter how bad it 
gets.  I keep telling myself that I wouldn't be lucky enough to end up 
in jails or instutions or dead - but I'd be the bag-lady at the local 
drunk shelter who lives on the streets for 20 - 30 years, as a zombie 
of alcoholic proportions.
.
The problem is this is wearing thin to me because the fear is looming 
over me that I may become totally homeless and a sober bag-lady.  One 
of the "support system" network we've had in place for us is our Church
- and now they seem to be threatening to withdraw their assistance as 
my husband isn't getting well from his heart attack on THEIR timetable.
It's really hard when my Church seems to be deserting us and completely
abandoning us, NOT to take it as being GOD that is giving up on us.
.
I'm trying to hold on a day at a time, but it is getting very hard 
indeed.  I have no place left to turn.  And I am trying hard not to do 
what I did before.  In the past when I was hurt badly by a "church" , I
ended up throwing out the "baby" (My Higher Power, whom I choose to 
call God as I understand God) with the "Bathwater" for a very long 
time.  And it took four years of sobriety to rediscover him - well over
a decade, probably almost 15 years total.   I am trying not to do that 
again, but it is hard not to.  So I do feel like God IS literally 
laughing at my plans, as I've told them to Him/Her/Them/It/Whatever.
However I'm not sure still whether this is because God has BETTER plans
for me or because God is destroying me/us.
.
And then there are the suicidal feelings I'm fighting - so far 
successfuly, thank goodness - a day at a time, which is making 
everything worse.
.
I definitely am at the turning point in my life.  But, then again, 
sobriety has never been easy for me.  Since I've gotten sober, I've had
to deal with codependency, being an incest survivor, a bipolar 
affective disorder, and other challenges - including a divorce from my 
2d ex husband and being stranded in another state by another guy I 
lived with for about 2 years, being disabled and having no where to go 
in that state.    (The physical disabilities is something else I've had
to cope with in recovery although it was already there)  I hear people 
talk about how they get sober and they get back the house, get back the
wife and the kids, even the dog, get back the job, get back the license
and the car, etc.   It sounds like what you get if you play a country 
music record or tape backwards. (GRIN)  And that's wonderful.  I am 
happy for them.  But that's not how it has worked for me. 
.
Sobriety has handed me back a life filled with a lot of challenges - 
some of them going back to before I ever picked up a drink.  And that 
is okay for me today because it's "life on lifes' terms" as the BB puts
it.  There has been a lot of good times too.
.
On April 18, 1997, GOD WILLING, I will have ten years of sobriety - if 
I make it that long without going totally insane.  My question, which 
only GOD knows the answer to, is where the heck do I go from here?
. 
Thanks for listening.
--- TriToss (tm) Professional 11.0 - #66
---------------