re - your wife having chemo - bummer!  I hope she's okay now.  I'm sure
this has been hard on BOTH of you.   I think watching my Dad go through
Chemo, radiation, become in danger of dying from the SIDE-EFFECTS of 
raidiation, (remember he is elderly) and go into "remission" for about 
10 -21 days (i'm not sure when it officially was in remission) only to 
have them find another "spot" on the other lung, which he had a biopsy 
for Wed., WELLLLLLL......all I can say is I think it's been almost as 
hard on my step-mom and I, IN SOME WAYS, as it was on him.  The same is
true of my husbands heart attack.  IN SOME WAYS, I think I am suffering
as much as or more than he is.  That "some ways" being anxiety for me.
It's easier to say to accept the things I can not change than to do it 
in this case - and I've said it a lot lately so I know.   For me it's 
always hard to watch someone I love suffer - and folks I know in 
Al-Anon could tell you that it came much harder to me than AA ever did.
.
And this is even more difficult because my Dad and my Husband are 
basically NICE people - unlike the actively alcoholic and addicted and 
abusive (did I get enough letter a's in there?) men I was working to 
detach from in Al-Anon.   I've seen moms in Al-Anon trying to detach 
from their children, whom they still love.  It always seemed much 
harder to me than what I was doing - detaching from some people whose 
sickness had made them pretty nasty.   And I'd say this is about as 
hard for me as it seemed to be for them. 
.
Of course with my husband there is also fear involved.  I am more 
dependent on him than I realized and more than I want to be - this is 
because I am disabled, as I believe you know.
.
About you quitting smoking once before, well, I had a relapse once in 
AA with both marijuana and pills and ONE glass of wine - the wine made 
me realize what the other stuff had done to me and scared me back into 
the halls of AA over 9 years ago now.  Because you quit once before and
picked up again probably doens't mean that you can't quit now the same 
way I got sober, relapsed, and went on to acquire - but for the Grace 
of You-Know-WHO (smile ) - the time I now have sober.  I know that I 
was always told in school that an addiction is an addiction is an 
addiction and what works for the (psychological and spiritual, NOT 
Physical) treatment of one usually applies to another.  So that is what
I base my conclusion on.
.
And I am telling you this because I wish to heck someone had told me 
this when I was coming back to AA.  I was scared that I was one of 
those people "constitutionally incapable of being honest with (myself)"
- or however that's worded - and that I was doomed not to be able to 
get sober again.  I really was.  
.
Also I KNOW my husband quit smoking once, picked it up again, quit 
again and went through a withdrawal from Nicotine SO bad that his 
former boss laid him off for three mos. and then took him back when he 
was over it.  Having seen how irritable he is losing weight and how 
irritable he was when he gave up Coffee - I almost called off our 
engagement - I have a feeling I am REALLY TRULY GRATEFUL (emphasis 
intended) that I had not yet met him when he quit smoking last time.
By the way, I believe it's now over five years and running since he 
quit the second time.
.
I once heard someone in a partial hospitalization program for people 
with depression say that sometime when they had clients run back 
through the program for the second time THAT was when they got it - 
because they weren't really ready to admit that their need for help was
serious the first time.  (First step perhaps?)
.
What helped me the most is something from a program that I have only 
gone to occasionally, as a guest, and that is the Narcotics Anonymous 
Basic Text.  Someone let me read a copy of this when I was coming back 
to AA and the section on relapse is what I'm talking about.  It helped 
me to see that I had to be honest with myself and not make my relapse 
in AA better or worse than it was.  I had to see it realistically - it 
was serious, but not insurmountable - and it could work out for my own 
good, giving me a deeper depth of recovery, if I LET it.
.
Anyway, I hope this helps you.  It helped me a lot to share about this 
stuff and thank you for letting me do so.  I do hope your wife's 
prognosis is good.  I think she is a brave woman - perhaps braver than 
I am.  (I hope I never have to find out)
.
--- TriToss (tm) Professional 10.0 - #66
---------------