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X-From: vjunc{at}NOUCE.ev1.net (Dr Pepper)

The Masked Booker
 
Raw Commentary for 2003-09-01
 
1. Recap of Kane vs Shane, ending with Kane creating his own private
inferno by pouring several cans of gasoline into a dumpster and
lighting it-- and then failing to push Shane in, falling himself
instead.
 
2. Jerry Lawler comes down the ramp, he's here to wrestle Jonathan
Coachman. JR says he's relieved not to have to report Kane's death but
that the story is "sketchy" and an update will come after the match.
 
"Sketchy", as in the writers still haven't finished anything past the
bare outline?
 
3. The King vs the Coach. Personally i like Coachman on commentary,
and i don't understand why he's treated as a scrub. I think that his
complaint is justified so why does JR, the supposed face commentator,
belittle him?
 
Coach is getting squashed. Al Snow comes out to tell him he's just
making a fool of himself since he's not a wrestler and he should just
give up. He tells King to stop the pain and let Coach crawl away with
the remaining shreds of his dignity. Coach insists he can win the
match and doesn't need any help. But he does get help as Snow makes a
surprise attack on Lawler. Which i miss the first time because of some
transmission glitch. Coach easily pins the stunned King.
 
JR sputters about the dirty dealing as Coach and Snow strut away.
 
4. Teri finds Shane backstage. She asks him about Kane, asking if he's
concerned since when the emergency crew got the fire out, Kane wasn't
in the dumpster. Apparently that one mention counts as the promised
"update". Shane says he hopes Kane is still burning. Teri tells him to
please be careful as he stomps away.
 
Is Teri going for the anorexic look again? Her hands look as if they
belong to a stick figure.
 
5. Coach and Snow are still celebrating backstage. Bischoff comes up
and pretends to chew them out before joining in the hilarity. But of
course Austin shows up to bring the mood down. He threatens to "do
something special" for Coachman.
 
6. Austin comes out to the ring, which he finds has been set up for
Jericho's Highlight Reel. He tosses all the props out of the ring,
except for the mat cover, then orders the hanging Jeritron monitor to
be pulled up. He declares the Highlight Reel over.
 
7. Austin tells JR to stand up. He says Coach complains about JR being
Austin's "boy". He says he doesn't appreciate the carping. So to stop
the complaints, and give JR a chance to "show what kind of man he is",
he's booking the two in a match at Unforgiven.
 
8. Austin also doesn't appreciate the rookie Randy Orton making boasts
he hasn't earned and calling himself the "Legend Killer". So at
Unforgiven Orton is going to get face a legend, Shawn Michaels.
 
9. Austin mentions the Goldberg vs Hunter Hearst MacMahon match at
Unforgiven. He agrees with the crowd that the fact that if Goldberg
loses he's out of wrestling is a real shame so he's going to make sure
that Goldberg gets a match tonight. It will be Goldberg, Maven and
Michaels vs Evolution.
 
10. Jericho comes out. Apparently he's finally noticed that his set
got tossed.
 
SIGN: I'M JERICHO-- BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH...
 
11. Jericho yells at Austin for destroying his very expensive
collection of carboard cutouts. And for not mentioning him when
listing the names of wrestlers. He wants Austin to kiss his feet by
way of apology. He gets an uncensored finger. Not a stunner?
 
12. Christian! Christian! What happened to your music? Christian comes
out. He says hey Austin dissed me first, so he has to apologize to me
first.
 
13. Austin says, you two are so great, fine, i'll let you show us in a
match right now. Naturely, they think he means they'll be a team in a
tag match, but of course he means they'll wrestle each other. And
Christian's Intercontinental Title will be on the line.
 
(commercials, fast forward)
 
14. Jericho vs Christian. Looks pretty good. Jericho stops once to
applaud his opponent. Christian complains about Jericho using the
ropes, Jericho says hey, it's a title match. Christian takes a nasty
looking aerial bump. Jericho removes a turnbuckle pad. While the ref
puts it back he chokes Christian with tape. Still, there's plenty of
good solid wrestling and only a little cheating. Why can't more
matches be like this? Ooh, crisp hurracarana from Jericho! Lionsault--
no-- Unprettier-- no-- Walls-- no! Attempted belt smash by Christian
misses. Jericho drops him with-- um, looks like a rear stunner.
Christian finally makes a pin using the ropes.
 
(commercials, ff)
 
15. Shane's looking at his watch. Austin comes in and says it might be
better if he leaves, because noone's safe with Kane at large. Shane
says "bring it on", showing a level of bravery that even Austin thinks
is foolish.
 
16. Elimination chamber recap. Goldberg cleans house. Only HHM left.
Goldberg destroys candy, er, plexiglass. HHM finishes things with his
sledge.
 
17. HHM complains about Goldberg being a paper tiger, composed of
nothing but media hype and the wishful thinking of brain dead marks.
Um, so what is Hunter? Goldberg comes in and promises to take the
title at Unforgiven.
 
18. Recap of the Women's Title situation. Trish and Ivory will face
Molly, her new predatory personality, and her conscripted sidekick,
Kim.
 
(commercials, i make a turkey salad)
 
19. Recap of Molly's chokehold recruitment of Kim.
 
20. Women's tag match. Ok match, mostly brawling and slams. I like
Ivory's outfit, although i still miss the scarf. Kim gyrates for the
crowd to very little reaction. Nice double takedown for the win by
Molly and Kim. Lawler kept his adolescent comments to a minimum, thank
goodness.
 
21. Vince MacMahon is concerned about his son's welfare. He wants some
kind of reconciliation and forgiveness from Shane, as he expects him
to be killed. Shane rebuffs him and heads for the ring.
 
(commercials, ff)
 
22. Here comes the money! Shane comes out to the ring. JR and King
question his common sense. Shane says if something bad is going to
happen to him, let it happen here and now. He's going to wait for Kane
to come to him.
 
23. I'm back, pathetic as ever! Bischoff comes out. JR calls him "the
stain on the underwear of life". Bisch says he's here to enjoy
whatever's going to happen. The audience gives the anatomy chant.
 
24. Kane's music comes on. The lights go out. When they come back on,
Kane is behind Shane. Kane has bandages on his forearms, apparently
the extent of the damage from burning gasoline. Wow, Kane must be
tough! Kane tosses Shane around. Kane handcuffs Shane to the ringpost.
Kane pours water on Shane. Kane puts jumper cables on Shane's crotch.
Kane attaches the other ends to a battery. Raw is School of the
Americas!
 
25. Rod Van Dam comes out. Kane, the psychotic monster, turns chicken
and flees from a chair assault. RVD detatches the cables.
 
(commercials, ff)
 
26. During the brea recap. Shane clutches himself in a stretcher as
he's carried away.
 
27. Kane is mad at Bischoff for not telling him RVD was coming. Bisch
promises him revenge-- he'll have RVD in a steel cage! At Unforgiven?
Nope, at Raw next week. Does that mean neither has a match at
Unforgiven?
 
28. Superheroes vs La Resistance. Not for the title. JR and King talk
up the previous torture session, trying to act horrified. Without
success. The match is slow and consists mostly of holds. Until Rosie
gets in. He biffs and pows the french rather effectively. Hurricane
comes in to try some aerial manuvers. Conway, the third Resistier,
makes like kryptonite and secures the win. La Resistance calls for
tables. The Dudleys come out to remind them that France is signatory
to copyright accords, saving the superheroes from further humiliation.
 
29. Teri finds Maven and asks him how he feels about the upcoming
match. He feels pumped! And honored to be teaming with two of
wrestling's greatest superstars. Ric Flair and Randy Orton interrupt.
He's going to be honored alright, he's going to learn what Evolution
means, and he's going to be selected out.
 
(commercials, ff)
 
30. Shawn Michaels finds Maven and gives him a pep talk. He says Maven
may be young and new and all that, but never let anyone say he doesn't
deserve the shots he's getting.
 
31. The Avenging Negros complain to Austin. Apparently they had been
scheduled for tonight, but their match was dropped because of the
added trio match. Austin says is not about ethnicity, it's about
politics-- er, ratings-- er, business.
 
32. Austin asks RVD if he's cool with the cage match. RVD says he's so
cool with it, he wants his match with Kane to be the first one on the
show. Austin says sure.
 
33. Stacy is stretching. Cheers. What's wrong with the men in the
audience? How can they like her looks and be indifferent to Kim? Test
tries to sweet talk Stacy says it'll be great being back together. She
just fumes.
 
(commercials, ff)
 
34. Test comes out, followed by a reluctant Stacy. King and JR are
surprised to find out that this match is no disqualification. Stacy is
dismayed. It's Stevie Richards and Victoria, looking a little buzzed
and goofy, as if they'd just been huffing.
 
Test tries to encourage Stacy by holding Stevie so she can get a free
shot in. But once Stace is in the ring by herself she gets the worst
of it. Stevie gets Stacy in a pumphandle hold, then poses so the
audience can slobber. Test shows a flash of jealousy and flattens him.
You what these four need? They need to form a swingers club, like
Jamie and Nidia, so they can settle differences with vasoline and
feathers.
 
Test won't let Stacy tag, she's getting pounded. Test comes in to
help, no he's offering Victoria a free shot at Stacy. But she hits him
instead, so he gets mad and cleans house. Test does a pumphandle slam
on Stevie. Vic does a low blow on Test. Apparently the "call me
Master" session with Shane and Kane has whetted the audience's apitite
for genitorture.
 
Scott Steiner hits the ring, leading to a rather confusing
multilateral exchange. Finally Stacy groggily crawls over and pins a
stunned Victoria. Test drags her away as Steiner watches helplessly.
 
(commercials, ff)
 
35.  Time for the big trio match. Evolution comes out as the
announcers shill like costermongers. Maven comes out. But before he
can really savor his pop, it's swamped by a much bigger one as HBK
comes out.
 
(commercials, ff)
 
36. Goldberg is marching through the backstage corridors to his music.
No cops though. It never did make sense that the most dangerous man in
wrestling needed a bodyguard. He walks through the pyro and down to
the ring without his usual posing.
 
Naitch and Maven. Not much done. HBK tags in. He and Flair let the
audience oogle them for a few seconds before jumping into a flurry of
motion. Michaels knocks Flair around, knocks the other Evolvers off
the apron, then for good measure takes them all out with a suicide
dive. Back in the ring he falls prey to Flair's dirty tricks. Uh oh--
face in peril!
 
The match drops into a completely uninspired brutalizing. Shawn almost
escapes several times only to be pulled back in each time. And just as
he starts to rally, trading punches and whips with Flair, he gets
stomped back down. Ooh flying body block on HHM! Both men are down and
it's a tag race.
 
And Goldberg gets the tag! He slams Orton! He spears Flair! It's just
him and Hunter now. Gold-Berg! Gold-Berg! Gold-Berg! He's gonna finish
off Hunter. No, Orton got him from behind. Ok, he grabs Orton instead.
Bring the pain! And Orton is speared and flattened like a rug. 1! 2!
3! He's sent a message to Hunter about what's in store for Unforgiven.
 
37. Hunter defiantly holds up his belt as he retreats up the ramp.
 
(end)
 


--- Internet Rex 2.29