* Copied from: SIP_AA
Dear All,
Today, or should I say yesterday, had not been a very jolly day: I did
not really know why. My life since joining the Fellowship in May 1995
has been made immeasurably more 'serene in the face of calamity' than
at any other time, yet on-going strife with my wife has always dogged
me. This being so even though we separated some ten months before I was
brought to the doors of AA.
A divorce is now finally imminent and even though we are both grateful
that a line is to be drawn under the past whatever the future may bring,
still recriminations can erupt even though we are both trying to
work our respective 12 Step programmes.
Thus, whilst bouncing around after some trying conversations, I started
to read the book Alcoholics Anonymous and found myself reading my
favourite story 'Freedom from Bondage'.
I can identify so much with so much of what is expressed in this honest
exposition and yet when I came to the end of the story where the remedy
for 'resentment' is offered, a very deep realisation was granted to me.
It became clear to me that even though I had been the recipient of a
vital 'spiritual experience' way back in the early part of 1982 which,
though I was to drink some more, still eventually facilitated a rapid
assimilation of AA principles once I had been brought to the Fellowship,
yet there has been since my experience - a resentment.
Though I can hardly credit it yet myself, not only the shattering nature
of the insight but also the granted humility which allows me to express
my release from error, I as a created being have held a deep resentment
against my Creator. I may have held this resentment prior to my
'spiritual experience' and maybe just assumed that the overwhelming
nature of the event could never allow any kind of resentment against God
as I have been given to understand Him to any more linger in my heart
and mind, but I was wrong.
If anything, any previous resentments which might have been lurking in a
fog of indignation which passed for my view of the suffering in the
world when held against God's supposed omnipotence, these resentments it
is now clear to me went underground and took a real root in my new
experiential journey. These resentments, or should I singularise them to
'this resentment' suddenly became clear to me tonight and I realised
that I had to treat it in the same way as is prescribed in the story
'Freedom from Bondage'.
But how - I had always prayed TO my God - how on earth could I pray FOR
my God as I understand Him?
The answer was and is given to me, for as I re-read the story it tells me
to wish and pray for the object of resentment not only for what I might
wish for myself, this obviously causes difficulty when praying 'for'
God, but I also understand the remedy to be one of praying for that
which is appearing to cause one a resentment everything that might
bring about an increase in well-being for the recipient of one's prayer.
Immediately, I remembered a hadith from a tradition which says that God
says of Himself:
        'I was a hidden treasure who loved to be known, I created
        the World and the Universes that I should be known.'
As soon as I prayed that God should receive that which it has been said
that He has expressed of Himself, 'for Himself', all my resentment toward
Him was removed with the visible expression of my tears and the invisible
humility which seals and empowers this message.
I am granted the humility to recount my experience and the strength to
share my hope in the common efficacy of the treatment of what may be a
common, yet hidden obstacle. I found that when I finally prayed For God
as I understand Him, nothing of the awesome Power of the Godhead is
diminished; indeed this 'donkey' still cannot create even a fly, just as
before.
Yet, it is just this Power which is now somehow connected
intimately with the limit of my understanding as I realise that whatever
the appearances, all the suffering is borne by Him in His cosmic effort
to 'be known' to Himself through 'His own creation'.
Thus I no longer feel separated and though still relying on His Grace in
the moment to protect and guide my thoughts and actions, still I come to
see that when I pray 'for' Him I cannot avoid praying for 'all' of His
creation as well. Consequently, I am protected from arrogance and lack
of tact in this prayer and though I still have to deal with personal
resentments on a daily basis by naming 'people, places and things' in
the remedial prayers which the programme asks me to do in Step 10, still
my final daily prayer from now on will always be 'for' God as I
understand God that He may in fact always and more fully yet receive all
that He intended for Himself through and in His own act of Creation.
Indeed this Way of Recovery is an intimate gift from God and the
yearning for meaning and 'real' intimacy which may be at the seat of
many, if not all of an alcoholic's problems, is met and healed with none
other than God's own yearning for Himself. That this is possible through
us within a restored individuation given the sheer Power of the forces
inherent with His Creation leaves me breathless and in awe.
Yet, He bids me share this with you and grants me the words to at least
make a stab at trying to be as clear as possible.
Florence Nightingale had as her watchword - 'never make the sick
sicker'.
My message is sent out with this watchword also and in the heartfelt
surety that He will grant both protection and understanding exactly as
He wills wherever this message might alight.
Thanks for being there for me.
Kind regards,
 Andrew D.
Message penned by Andrew D. in Kingston-upon-Hull, England
on Friday, 18 October 1996 at 0:15.  >>-PGP key available by Netmail-<<
Fido: 2:2502/28.4 - Email: Andrew_D.@p4.f28.n2502.z2.fidonet.org
.!. Yesterday was the deadline for complaints.
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