A lot of things to share right now and limited time
on the computer (as always)  :-) means that I need
to write one of my group notes.
My pain level is still really high and any activity
makes the pain worse. It was so bad the other night
that I had to take 4 of the Lorcet just to get the
pain to a level that I could manage.  But thankfully
it isn't that bad every day.  
One of the reasons my pain was so high was that I
had overdone it. But it is for a good reason!....
Last year I sold some of my handstamped cards to a
non-profit, child abuse prevention organization that
my brother is on the board of. They participate in 
A Children's Store which several non-profit groups
do as a fundraiser. Although I usually sell my cards
for $2 each they were able to sell them for $3.50 each.
Because they lost money last year on some products and
overall my brother wasn't sure that they would do the
Children's Store again this year. (It runs 10-1 thru
2-1, I think). Anyway, they decided to participate
and concentrate on those items that they made money on
them, and my cards were among them! So I have a huge
card order (150). I offer them the cards at less than
my normal charge because I want to support the
charity.
Anyway, I sat down and stamped all the cards. Once
they are stamped I can sit and color them. They want
the cards by the beginning to mid-September. At that
time I will be paid. The coloring isn't a stresser
for me, although stamping as long as I did increased
my pain. 
The order is a God-send because it means that I can
buy the postage necessary to send out the September
issue of Our Journey, as well as pay for a couple
of my RX and hopefully to buy more cardstock and a
new rubber stamp or two.  :-)
In addition, some kind soul paid to have me be a part
of an embossing powder coop (for rubber stampers). This
too was a God-send because I was running out of 3 of
my embossing powders.
So I consider it a blessing. My brother loaned me the
money to get the card stock and I know that I have an
order coming for cards so it means I won't have to
wait long to pay him back.
So, I'll be busy for a LONG time coloring since I have
coloring to do on this card order, cards I had previously
stamped 'cuz I didn't feel like coloring, and bags
for a bazaar in November that my mom is doing with a
friend of hers.
Thankfully my church has continued to help me with the
pain meds or it would have been impossible for me to
do much of anything!
There is also a chance (I'm praying) that I could be hired
back at the auto shops where I was doing filing a number
of years ago. I did part of the work here at home and
could go into the office whenever and I worked for a
few hours a week. I'm waiting and praying. It's a remote
chance, but you never know.  It would be great because
it would more than replace the money I lost when I chose
not to continue to babysit for the person I was babysitting
for.
Emotionally things have been very difficult. My panic
attacks have been really bad. I even re-scheduled a
dentist appointment, which triggers me, to a time when
my therapist would not be out of town. The panic attacks
seem to be increasing, but I know it is because of the
issues that I haven't dealt with. The post traumatic
stress symptoms have also been difficult to deal with.
If I didn't know it was ptsd I would think I was going
crazy. I hear things in my house, voices of events
past and the physical feelings of the abuse. I know that
the only way over is through, but it doesn't mean it
makes it any easier to deal with.
My therapist continues to push because we are doing intro-
spective therapy which basically means he won't let me
just touch the surface, I really have to think about what
is there and consequently feel it. God definitely protected
me yesterday. The session with my therapist was so
stressful that I found it difficult to concentrate on the
drive home. At one point, I went into the other lane
without realizing it. Thank God there was no one beside
me on the freeway or it would have been an accident for
sure!  I've also struggled with getting really sleepy
in therapy. Steve says it is a defense mechanism, but
it certainly didn't make me feel really good to keep
having to ask him what I was saying since I forgot in
the middle of a sentance. At least I know he was
listening!  :-)
So I'm taking life a day at a time and taking the moments
of joy as they come. I'm working at not taking my anger
out on myself, but directing it where it belongs. That is
really difficult for me.
So, as you can see, it has been a lot of good amidst the
struggle.
Wendy
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... Living longer and prospering more than I would without recovery...
___ Blue Wave/QWK v2.12
--- Maximus 3.01
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