Yo Richard!
Boy do I hear ya! You were talking about your anger and frustration with the 
pace of your life...
And everyone's expectations of you?
I hear two issues in your post: your expectations for how things should be. 
oughtta be shaping up, and the other is dealing with peoples expectations of 
you - their suspicions or fears or lack of ability to see the changes in you 
that are already clear to you.
One thing I have learned in recovery is that I can't change any situation 
"out there" but what I can work on is my own attitude about it. When I think 
about my own expectations, attitudes, and reactions to things, and choose to 
alter them (they call it evolution - but don't ask me who "they" is) I find 
that the situation I am in and the things I am experiencing are bound to 
change - as I apply the principles of the program in my daily life.
It's really been true for me, it works.
It's real hard not to be caught up in what other people are thinking about 
me, it took me a long time to learn to cope with it, but I want to tell you, 
friend, that this can work for you too!
The proof is in the pudding. Is someone afraid you will use again? So, did 
you? Did you use today? All that matters is today. As birthdays pass, and a 
whole bunch of todays start adding up, it'll seem different, and less 
important as to what the someone else's all think: because as time goes on, 
you will find out that the person you need to impress with your sobriety is 
YOU.
Well, that's what I found out, at least. I found out that I could stand on my 
head or turn cartwheels, but I was wasting my time trying to prove myself to 
anyone but myself in any part of my life... and as I got more confident about 
myself, and more sobriety under my belt, I learned to let go of all my 
yesterdays and really live in the present, living life on life's terms - a 
phrase someone used on this echo... 
Today, I live in a community where a whole lot of addicts who aren't in the 
program take one look at me and think I'm like this straight straight person 
so better not be open about how they are! It's so funny, because people who 
formerly would not have been caught dead being seen talking to me in public 
in my former life - are friendly and accepting of me.
But I'm completely honest about who I really am and what my life has been 
about - I don't broadcast it, but if anyone asks, I'll tell them anything 
they want to know.
My past is like a movie I was watching for a long time. I know it was me, but 
I feel really detached from it, and free of it.
All I know about my future is that I'm not there yet.
My days are filled with my present, and every day in the present I live the 
best I can, I am busy, happy, and enjoy a caring relationship with friends, 
family, community, program, and my HP.
I used to be angry, too. I used to have all the feelings you described. Keep 
going to meetings, keep talking with all of us in fido, keep coming back, it 
works. That old saying about "faking it til ya make it" makes a lot of sense. 
You sound like you're well past faking it, but keep doing as you are, and I 
know others here will share with me in wishing you strength, hope, peace of 
mind, and a sense of accomplishment and freedom.
Take care
write back if you like
ciao for now
Shadowcat
--- Maximus 2.01wb
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