Hi, James!  Recently you wrote in a message to Ardith Hinton:

JB>  I approach this as the youngest of a family of meddlers.
JB>  When I hear about someone who screens their calls, and
JB>  changes the locks on their door, I can usually understand
JB>  the motivation.


          Yes... I hadn't considered that angle, but I think birth order
can be an important factor too.  Eldest/onlies often have it firmly
impressed on them, from quite an early age, that they're on their own. 
Younger siblings often get used to having others blaze trails for them
& help whenever they're in trouble. If you were the first-born male in
your immediate family, however, you may have characteristics of both. 
Seems to me you've had to find your own path.  But if others act as though
nothing had changed over the past several decades, you may resent being
told what to do by... in effect... a bossy nine-year-old.  Another friend
of ours reported much the same problems with his older siblings....  ;-)



AH>  What worried me in this case was that our friend evidently
AH>  sank into a depression & saw no reason to go on living
AH>  once her paid employment came to an end.

JB>  That's one time that I don't understand solitude too well.
JB>  I thought you mentioned she was in a pretty grim physical
JB>  condition though, and was off work to sort her affairs.


          I guess we got our wires crossed.  In those days many employers
had a "mandatory retirement" rule... when a person reached the
age of sixty-five they had to retire whether or not they wanted to.  That's
what happened to her.  She seemed to be in quite good health until then. 
Only after her retirement did we hear her complaints about how difficult it
was to fill the empty hours, and two years later her son (also a family
friend) informed us she had cancer.  I can't help feeling she'd lost the
will to live & succumbed to cancer afterwards.  :-(



JB>  I can speak to the feelings when you are a vibrant
JB>  individual one day, and realize you would volunteer
JB>  as (Hell... INSIST being!) "rear guard" should the
JB>  need arise. I still explain that one as not being
JB>  depressed, but being in a place that is depressing.


          An important distinction, IMHO.  We screen calls... I see no
point in dropping everything to answer a wrong number from Florida, or
somebody who just wants to advertise something.  We're very selective about
who we spend our time with.  Some folks made themselves scarce because of
Nora's medical problems too (we have other friends now).  And most of our
relatives live in SomePlace Else. So... while we may seem rather insular in
some ways, there are various reasons. A lot of people don't realize how
much effort is involved in certain day-to-day activities either, and I
imagine the same applies to you.

          During her last few years, for a number of reasons which I
understood more clearly after her death, my mother didn't answer the phone
or the doorbell
... yet she maintained contact with the human race on *her* terms.  She
visited my father several times a week when he was in hospital etc., she
went to church every Sunday, and she went out regularly for food (often
timing her expeditions so as to maximize the chances of meeting Nora &
me on the street).  I guess our friend may have been doing something of the
sort, but we saw no evidence of it. In the absence of further information I
couldn't help wondering....  :-)



JB>  "I work full time for other than monetary rewards." Maybe
JB>  'too much information' for most situations?


          Could be.  I sometimes say I work but don't get paid in $$$ for
it... the majority of folks haven't a clue what I'm talking about.  One
woman giggled nervously when Dallas made a similar comment & said she
was working hard on her tennis game.  Another woman told me recently that
she spends eight or ten hours a week walking, for the exercise.  She tried
to encourage Dallas & me to do the same.  In our spare time, I guess. 
What spare time??  I give up... [wry grin].



JB>  Whenever I volunteer that I'm on disability, their relief
JB>  for thinking "He looks like crap." is palpable.


          I reckon you do what works for you, as do we.  I've been getting
some flak (again!) about Nora's clothes.  Reading between the lines... she
should be wearing garments which leave little or nothing to the
imagination, because many other young adults do that.  The most vocal
individual knows Nora uses a splint & can't understand why we prefer
not to advertise it.  We also know some folks, however, who insist that
various adaptive equipment has been Specially Designed for Seniors.  If
others seem content with your explanation for not doing things their way
maybe they'll get off your back.  I'm tempted to try it myself.  :-))




--- timEd/386 1.10.y2k+