On (03 May 05) Janis Kracht wrote to Cindy Haglund...
 JK> >> Hey, my brother and his wife live in Vancouver, BC 
 JK>
 JK> > My sister and family are moving there in five weeks. She's very
 JK> > excited. (Moving there from Indiana).
 JK>
 JK> That should be nice - my brother tells me the weather there is really
 JK> great - he loves the area :)

It's great if you like rain!

Vancouver, British Columbia Humour

* A newcomer to Vancouver arrives on a rainy day. She gets up
  the next day and it's raining. It also rains the day after
  that, and the day  after that.  She goes out to lunch and
  sees a young kid and, out of despair, asks, "Hey, kid,
  does it ever stop raining around here?"
  The kid says,  "How  should I know? I'm only 6."

* "I can't believe it, " said the tourist.  "I've been here
  in Vancouver an entire week and it's done nothing but
  rain.  When do you have summer here?"
  "Well, that's hard to say, " replied the local. "Last year,
  it was on a Wednesday."

* What do you call two straight days of rain in Vancouver?
  An average weekend

* What did the Vancouver native say to the Pillsbury Doughboy?
  "Nice tan."

* Meteorological experts were predicting a gargantuan rain
  storm that would destroy the Pacific NW with a flood.  Rev
  Falwell went on national TV and said, "This is your
  punishment from God.  Prepare to meet your Maker."  The
  Prime Minister went on national TV and announced, "Our scientists
  have done all they can. The end is near."
  The Vancouver evening news came on and said, "Today's
  five day forecast.... same as usual."

* What does daylight savings time mean in Vancouver?
  An extra hour of rain.

* A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting
  in the long line of judgment.  As he stood there he
  noticed that some souls were allowed  to march right
  through the gates of Heaven.  Others, though,  were led
  over to Satan who threw them into the burning pit.
  But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into
  the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into
  a small pile.  After watching Satan do this several times,
  the fellow's curiosity got the best of him.  So he
  strolled over and asked Satan....."Excuse me, Prince
  of Darkness," he said.  "I'm waiting in line for judgment,
  but I couldn't help wondering, why are you tossing those
  people aside instead of flinging them into the fires of
  hell with the others?"

  "Ah, those..." Satan said with a groan.  "They're all from
  Vancouver; they're too damn wet to burn yet."

* What do you call blue skies in Vancouver?
  A 30 second time out.

* How do they wash the streets in Vancouver?
  Huh?!?!....You're not from Vancouver, are you?


More. . .

Subject: Diary of a Vancouver resident (part 1)

August 23rd.
Just moved to Vancouver.  Lovely weather, about 75 degrees, no
clouds, beautiful trees and mountains, especially Mt. Rainier.
Puget Sound...how cool is that. I wonder how everything stays  so
green even in the summer??  People here are sure lucky to have such
a beautiful outdoors to play in.  Only 5 miles to the mountains and
bordering on the sea. I love it here.

August 25th.
Drove out to the mountains yesterday. It took 1.5 hours just to get
across the Lion's Gate Bridge? I wonder why traffic was so heavy?
It was barely moving.  When I got to the other side it was even
slower because of road construction.  Sure was pretty though,
another beautiful day, even though I spent the better part of it in
the car. Next time I'll make sure to leave earlier so I can miss
the traffic. Also remember not to stop anywhere on the Vancouver
side for gas it took like an hour??

August 26th.
What happened to the nice weather?  Gosh it's cold! only about 12
degrees, yesterday it was 27.  These clouds are very low and grey
it sure looks like its going to rain  I was going to wash the car
and mow the lawn but I better not if it's going to rain.

August 27th.
Weather is the same as yesterday.  Very grey and depressing but
it's not raining so I'll wash the car and mow the lawn today. The
weatherman says it's going to be sunny tomorrow. I think I'll play
some golf.

August 28th.
Pouring down rain. Cold. Kind of pissed off because I spent 4.5
hours washing and waxing my black car because the weatherman said
it was going to be sunny today. Not to mention I shelled out
$150.00 to play this fancy golf course and it poured down rain the
whole time. Boy the weatherman kind of missed that one. I'll bet he
feels dumb.

September 28th.
Geez, except for those few days at the beginning of September, it's
rained almost every day. Must be the rainy season in Vancouver. Oh
well, it keeps the reservoirs full and the trees green. Looking
forward to those crisp clear fall days and football season!

October 31st.
Halloween. Cold as hell and raining. Poor kids, that's not much fun
trick or treating in that weather. All their little costumes
getting ruined. The weatherman said it was going to be clear and
crisp for the trick or treaters?? This guy seems to be wrong alot
in his forecasts. He's probably not a weatherman at all. His Dad
must be some big wig and got him the job.  I'll going to watch
another station with a real weatherman.

November 1st.
At home with my knee elevated. Doctors orders. Pulled the ligaments
really bad chasing down some little bastards that smashed my
pumpkins. Boy a wooden deck with Thompson's watersealer on it is
slicker than snot when it's wet. Still raining. My knee is killing
me. I can still hear those kids laughing.

November 28th.
Does it rain every freaking day here?! It sure seems like it. You
wanna know cold? Try 8 degrees with rain being blown into you at 25
kilometres an hour. Burr! People always talk about the beautiful
mountains here. Well I haven't seen them in at least a month. And
why are people so afraid of driving in the rain?! Let's go! The
forecast calls for some sun though so I'll get some yard work done
this weekend.

November 30th.
Rained all weekend but now its sunny ...Allright!... Finally! Sure
feels good to feel the sun on your face again. Now I remember why
I like this place so much. It's almost December and it's 13 degrees
and sunny.  I think I'll wash the car. Weatherman says this high
pressure system should stay with us for awhile and push this system
well to the north of us.

December 1st.
F#*){at}$& raining again. I just washed the F#*){at}$& car! What is the
deal with these weathermen. They're wrong every F#*){at}$& time! They
are blaming offshore flow for kicking this system a little south
and into our region. Whatever. Pardon my French but F#*){at}$& the
Rain!

December 25th.
Ho! Ho! Ho! It's F#*){at}$& raining again. Merry F#*){at}$& Christmas.

February 1st.
Ha Ha! It's day 62 of constant rain. I threw my milkshake at some
son-of-a-bitch on the freeway this morning. Cut me off will you?
Doubt it.  Too bad it's raining because it cleaned the milkshake
off his car. Oh well he got the message. Can't let people mess with
you on the road. You better take your openings when you can or they
will walk all over you. Why do people drive so slow in the rain!
What are they afraid of? It rains here every day!, how are you
supposed to enjoy the beautiful outdoors?

February 3rd.
Man it's beautiful outside. It's like 15 degrees and sunny. Sweet
weather for February.  I'm just going to enjoy it. I'm not going to
jinx it either by washing my car. No sir! Boy it's pretty here. The
snow covered mountains, crystal blue water, big green trees. Think
I'll head up to the mountains.

February 4th.
That was by far the worst traffic I have encountered on the bridge
to North Van yet.  Every Idiot and grandmother was on the road
yesterday. "Hey look it's sunny lets all get in the car!"

February 8th.
Geez it's still sunny. It feels like spring. Birds are chirping,
flowers are blooming. It sure is a nice place to live. I guess it
doesn't rain that much. Gosh it's a beautiful day, I think I'll
wash the car.

February 9th.
I KNEW IF I WASHED THE CAR IT WOULD START RAINING! F!{at}&! I hate it
here.

March 1st.
We are having a wicked storm. 80kph winds. Trees down. Powers out.
Cable is out. (why does the cable always go out when the wind
blows if the cable is in the ground.) What is this, day 21 or 22 of
straight rain?  How high are those clouds off the ground, 50 feet?!

April 1st.
I guess this is the only state where no one knows the "fast lane"
rule.  Weatherman says rain for at least the next two weeks, and he
said it with a big goofy smile. That's not funny, not funny at all.

April 12th.
25 DEGREES! Wow, it's beautiful here. It was a nasty winter but
spring is finally here! If we have spring and summer like this I
guess I can take a little rain in the winter. What a place!

April 30th.
Eleventh straight day of rain. Cold too, about 10 degrees. I
thought spring was here. That's what you get for thinking. I would
like meet up with this weather clown someday. " I like the rain."
he says. Smack!

May 20th.
Big surprise! Still raining! How many ways do these idiot
weathermen have for describing rain. Showers, partial showers,
slight showers, increasing showers, decreasing showers, heavy
showers, light showers, partial showers with areas of heavy
downfall, mild showers........yadda, yadda, yadda.

June 21.
The first day of summer! Raining!  11 degrees. My car is starting
to smell like mildew, it been wet for the last 6 months. I think
I'm starting to get webbed feet. The commute was only 15 hours
today...Joy! Oh well I have the big July First picnic to look
forward to. Some cold beers in the hot sun, can't wait.

July 1st.
Not having too much fun. I forgot my coat and am freezing my rear
off. I don't know exactly what we are experiencing here, I think
it's just plain old showers, but maybe it's partial showers with
periods of rain. No problem keeping the beer cold though. I have a
project for next weekend:  cleaning the beans and potato salad out
of my car. I had to eat in my car because all the trees were taken
and I had to get out of the rain. I hate it here.

July 28th.
Cloudy and cool. But it's not raining. Thank God it's not hot! Who
would want it hot in the summer?? I figured out what people do here
for fun.  "hey honey get the kids..lets get in the car and go sit
in some traffic!"

August 14th.
Exchanged gunfire on the road today. He appeared prepared for
gunfire but wasn't ready for the ramming. The 750 lb. iron bar
attached to the front of my Porsche looks a little weird but it
works!  A little tap on these wet roads and he was in the ditch.

August 24th.
Got out of jail this morning. What an experience! Had to get a ride
home as my license has been taken away. What's this? sunshine? 80
degrees, guess summer is here? What a beautiful day.  It's so
pretty with the mountains and the water and the trees.....


(okay August 14th gives it away that it was originally an American-
based joke(Seattle, to be exact) that I converted to be for
Vancouver!)


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<+]::-{(} ("Cyberpope"(the Bishop of ROM!))
Internet: gapope{at}vcn.bc.ca
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