Via Commercial Pilot Scott MacLean
     Upon landing hard, the pilot gets on the PA system, "Sorry folks
 for the hard landing. It wasn't the pilot's fault, and it wasn't the
 plane's fault. It was the asphalt."
     An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had
 hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a
 policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while
 the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ
 airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard
 time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would
 have a smart comment.  Finally everyone had gotten off except for
 this little old lady walking with a cane.  She said, "Sonny, mind
 if I ask you a question?"  "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what
 is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot
 down?"
     From a disgruntled Southwest Airlines employee. "Welcome aboard
 Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY.  To operate your seatbelt, insert the
 metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every
 other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you prob-
 ably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.  In the event of a
 sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the
 ceiling.  Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face.
 If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask be-
 fore assisting with theirs.  If you are traveling with two small
 children, decide now which one you love more. Weather at our des-
 tination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to
 have them fixed before we arrive.  Thank you, and remember, nobody
 loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
     United Airlines FA: "Ladies and Gentlemen, as you are all now
 painfully aware, our Captain has landed in Seattle.  From all of us
 at United Airlines we'd like to thank you for flying with us today
 and please be very careful as you open the overhead bins as you may
 be killed by falling luggage that shifted during our so called
 "touch down."
     About 5 or 6 years ago I was on an American Airlines flight into
 Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. I could tell
 during the final that the Captain was really having to fight it, and
 after an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA
 and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo.  Please
 remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain
 taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
     Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect land-
 ing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces
 us to the terminal."
 Landing: a controlled mid-air collision with a planet.
     As the Captain taxied the B-727 to the runway, the aircraft
 trundled along on a torn - up section of asphalt. Seeing the smooth
 area ahead the Captain made the following announcement:
    "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is Captain XXX speaking, I've allowed
 the First Officer to taxi the aircraft for practise purposes. I will
 now take control and continue to the runway.."
    At that moment, the aircraft rolled onto the smooth asphalt which
 continued to the runway threshold.
    The First Officer's comments were not recorded.
     As the Air Canada B-767 held its position waiting for a gate
 assignment, the In-Charge Flight Attendant phoned the flight deck.
 "Could you please make an announcement Captain, I've told them three
 times to remain in their seats until we get to the gate, but they
 won't sit down."
     The Captain sighed, and lamented to the First Officer about the
 lack of patience/respect in today's air travellers. The First Officer
 grinned and told the Captain "I'll handle this one".
     "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is First Officer XXX speaking. We
 are just waiting for the gate to be cleared at the moment, since
 this is the termination of Air Canada's flight xxx we would appre-
 ciate some passengers to stay behind and help tidy up the airplane.
 If anyone would like to volunteer, please stand up and identify
 yourselves to the In-Charge Flight Attendant. Thank-you."
     After a few seconds, the In-Charge phoned the flight deck again.
 "Thanks, they're sitting down now..."
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