Hi, James!  A few months ago you wrote in a message to Ardith Hinton:

JB>  That's a double whammy that I have to identify with. I've
JB>  looked forward to raising a family, but those cards might
JB>  have been revoked.

AH>  relax & go with the flow....  :-)

JB>  It's not too relaxing, when it feels better to be poked
JB>  in the eye.


          Understood.  You seemed to be thinking of what may or may not
happen in future, however, while you have more than enough to deal with
right now.  I agree that what I said is often more easily said than done...
[wry grin].



JB>  How come insight never seems as asute or outspoken as I
JB>  am? A few days ago, a unearthed some evidence of my last
JB>  workings at the 'day gig'. For the past year and a half,
JB>  I had my nose so close to the grinder, I was only greiving
JB>  for the passing of others, and cleaning up their messes.
JB>  Seeing the job I used to accomplish - in another life it
JB>  seems - reminded me that I was once hauling my own load.


          Yes!  You got down to brass tacks there & explained in clear
English what was bugging you.  I like such astuteness & outspokenness,
especially when my own experience is similar.  If others can express an
idea so well... and in so few words... they're helping me to conserve my
time & energy.

          I can't fix it, but I can relate.  I struggled with this reply
for a while because something kept eluding me... until Allen & Bob took
me on a trip down Memory Lane to our own days (and nights!) as Oncology
Parents.  From that vantage point "the past year and a half" is
quite significant.  You said you'd been taking care of your father during
the last year(s) of his life, IIRC, and then I guess you had to do most of
the work involved in winding up his affairs because his other next of kin
live further away.  In the meantime you probably had to set your own
feelings on the back burner, just as the parent of a child with leukemia
tends to do.  I had what others might regard as a midlife crisis (although
to me it seemed much more like post-traumatic stress) about eighteen months
after Nora's diagnosis... and another woman I know who had a child with
leukemia experienced the same thing on much the same timetable.  Once our
kids were no longer in immediate danger the mental/emotional work we'd been
putting off demanded attention.  IMHO this is nature's way of restoring
equilibrium... so while it may be a pretty rough ride, it's a healthy &
normal reaction.  The issue is complicated in your case by chronic pain
which makes it impossible to work on a regular schedule.  In that sense,
your reaction may be more like the classic midlife crisis.  But either way
I think the mechanism is similar.  :-)



JB>  Ya, I now make the loads lighter, and it takes me longer
JB>  to get them where they need to be, but I can't resist
JB>  reflecting on the "Could-a... Should-a..." I know how
JB>  futile it is, but it had to tear some tears out before
JB>  I could deal with the rest of the day.


          It's okay to be human in this echo.  If you feel like crying I
won't hold that against you.  I respect you for being able to admit to such
feelings
... and I understand our bodies eliminate various toxins by way of tears.  ;-)




--- timEd/386 1.10.y2k+