Hello all!


FOund this on usenet with my first cup of coffee this
morning.  I thought at least two regulars here might enjoy
it.

Guide to Singing the Blues:

1. Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this morning..."

2."I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues unless you
stick something nasty in the next line like "I got a good woman with
the meanest face in town."

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then
find something that rhymes, sort of: "Got a good woman with the
meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in
town. Got teeth like Mike Tyson, and she weigh 500 pound."

4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a
ditch. There ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't
travel in Volvos, BMWs, or SUVs. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound
bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools
ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues
lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults
sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to
get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis .

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or anyplace in
Canada . Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical
depression. Chicago , St. Louis , and Kansas City are still great places to
have the Blues. You cannot have the blues anyplace that don't get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A woman with male
pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is not the
blues. Breaking your leg 'cause an alligator be chomping on it is.

9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is
wrong. Go out to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues:
a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass


Bad places for the Blues:
a. Harvey Nichols
b. Art gallery openings
c. Ivy league Universities
d. Golf courses

11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, unless you
happen to be an old ethnic person, and you slept in it.

12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?
Yes, if:
a. you older than dirt
b. you blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied

No, if:
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived
d. you own a house or have money in the bank

13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods
cannot sing the Blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly people also got a leg up on
the Blues.

14. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the Blues.

Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. cheap wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. nasty black coffee

The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. Perrier
b. Chardonnay
c. Mountain Dew
d. Red Bull

15. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues
death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die.
So are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a
broken-down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis
match or while getting plastic surgery.


16. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling

17. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie
e. Otis

18. Persons with names like Amber, Jennifer, Tiffany, Debbie, and Heather
can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis .

19. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit:
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame)
b. first name (see above) plus the name of a fruit, (lemon, Lime, etc.) c.
last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Jackson, Fillmore, etc.)

Examples: Blind Lime Jefferson , Jackleg Lemon Johnson.

20. No matter how tragic your life, if you own a computer you cannot sing
the Blues. (This will probably change in the future as most computers give
adults the Blues.)

Author Unknown



Regards,
           Richard
--- timEd 1.10.y2k+