Welcome to another edition of the Metric Dozen Punnies & Funnies, personally  curated by yours truly, the Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM.

Please do comment as to which you loved & which you hated. . . 

Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these. Because  you're a mate, I won't even charge you my usual $19.00 cancelation fee! ;) 

-= 1 =-
A Baptist pastor was presenting a children's sermon.

During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection  was.

Asking questions during children's sermons is crucial. Asking children  questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.

After the pastor asked the children if they knew the meaning of the  resurrection, a little boy raised his hand. The pastor called on him And the  little boy said, "I'm not sure, but I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."

-= 2 =-
QUOTABLES:

"A balloon released by a girl in Texas was found this week over 900 miles away  in Ohio. Or, more likely, Ohio also has red balloons." -Seth Meyers

"After residents in Birmingham complained about the terrible smell, New York  City has agreed to stop sending railcars full of the city's excess sewage to a  landfill in Alabama. Yeah, train cars filled with human waste and an unbearable smell--or, as that's called in New York, the subway." -James Corden

"Every appliance with a clock should have a Daylight Savings button to push.  You'd only use it twice a year, but that's more than I use the 'Potato' button  on my microwave." -Jimmy Kimmel

"The new Florida weapons bill would allow librarians to arm themselves. Now, in a related story, talking in Florida libraries is down 99 percent." -Conan  O'Brien

"This week in England, a worker at a factory that makes Coca-Cola cans was  caught urinating into the cans. But Coke quickly dealt with the situation by  putting a Mountain Dew label on it." -Jimmy Fallon

-= 3 =-
This morning I was sitting on a bench next to a homeless man, I asked him how  he ended up this way.

He said, "Up until Last week, I still had it all! All my meals were prepared  for me, my room was cleaned, my clothes were washed, pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV, internet, I went to the gym, the pool, the library, I could  still go to school."

I asked him, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?"

"No, nothing like that," he said. "I got out of prison."

-= 4   =-
Larry's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company.

Susan spoke to the insurance agent and said, "We had that barn insured for  fifty thousand, and I want my money."

The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute. Insurance doesn't work quite  like that. An independent adjuster will assess the value of what was insured,  and then we'll provide you with a new barn of similar worth."

There was a long pause, and then Susan replied, "If that's how it works, then I want to cancel the life insurance policy on my husband."

-= 5 =-
"If you clean the receipts out of your purse or wallet and stack them all  together, it makes a tiny book about why you're broke."

-= 6 =-
While flying from Denver to Kansas City, Kansas, my mother was sitting across  the aisle from a woman and her eight-year-old son. Mom couldn't help laughing  as they neared their destination and she heard the mother say to the boy, "Now  remember, hug Daddy first, then the dog."

-= 7 =-
Caller: 'Hi, can you connect me with Jack?'

Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about.'

Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of your user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before  cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'

Operator: 'I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.'

-= 8 =-
I was waiting tables at a country club when an elegantly dressed woman spilled  Manhattan clam chowder all over her white linen skirt. She began furiously  dabbing at it with a napkin.

Having plenty of experience with getting out feed stains, I asked, "Can I bring you some club soda?"

"Young lady," she barked, "I'll be the judge of when I've had enough to drink.  Bring me another martini!"

-= 9 =-
Two hunters were relaxing in their lodge, making small talk.

One of them asked, "So, what do you hunt?"

"Unicorns," came the surprising answer.

Startled, the first hunter gasped, "Really? How do the hell do you do that?"

"Well, I find a virgin and hire her to help me. They're the only thing that  attracts unicorns. I have her wait in the woods until a unicorn comes up to  her. When it does, it sets off a snare."

The first hunter sighed, "Boy, they must be hard to find. I've heard of 'em,  but I've never seen one."

The second hunter said, "Yeah, and there ain't many unicorns either."

-= 10 =-
A small boy stunned his parents after church one Sunday when he began to empty  his pockets of nickels, dimes, and quarters.

Finally his mother asked the obvious question: "Where did you get all that  money?"

"At Sunday school," the boy replied enthusiastically. "They got bowls of it!"

--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-6