Welcome to another edition of the Metric Dozen Punnies & Funnies, personally  curated by yours truly, the Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM.

Please do comment as to which you loved & which you hated. . . 

Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these. Because  you're a mate, I won't even charge you my usual $19.00 cancelation fee! ;) 

-= 1 =-
Signs of the times

SIGN IN A SHOE REPAIR STORE:
"We will heel you
We will save your sole
We will even dye for you."

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

On a Septic Tank Truck:
"Yesterday's Meals on Wheels"

At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."

In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."

In a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."

-= 2 =-
QUOTABLES:

"According to a new report, by 2050, the world's oceans will contain more  plastic trash than fish. So the next time you get dumped, remember: There's  plenty of trash in the sea." -Seth Meyers

"A new study has found that being good-looking can hurt a man's career because  the people in charge of hiring see attractive men as a threat. So if you're a  man who was recently hired for a new job, congratulations. You're hideous." - James Corden

"A new poll found that 10 percent of people post vacation photos on social  media to make others jealous, and 100 percent of people click on them to see  co-workers in a bathing suit." -Seth Meyers

"A new study came out that reveals some dangerous side effects from childbirth. The dangerous side effects women suffer include pelvic injuries, muscle tears,  and children." -Conan O'Brien

"China just installed new public bathrooms in Beijing that actually offer Wi- Fi. Yeah, a Wi-Fi-enabled bathroom. Or as we call that here in America,  Starbucks.'" -Jimmy Fallon

"In Saudi Arabia, a 14-year-old boy was detained for dancing to the Macarena.  You know, I don't say this often but I'm going to side with the Saudi  government on this one." -Conan O'Brien


-= 3 =-
A customer moves away from a bank window, counts his change, and then goes back and says to the cashier, "Hey, you gave me the wrong change!"

"Sir, you stepped away from the counter," said the cashier. "We don't make  corrections after you leave. There's nothing I can do about it now. That's the  policy of this bank."

"Well, ok," answered the customer. "Just thought you'd like to know that you  gave me an extra twenty. Bye."

-= 4  =-
Child Support Agency Forms

The following are all replies that Dallas women have written on Child Support  Agency forms in the section for listing fathers' name details.

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by  Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I  believe that he was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a  list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that  night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage  to track down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can  contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had It replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope  confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen  again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so  would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the  economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please  advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all blacks look The same to  me.

8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you  ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World;  maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have  stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller  Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.

-= 5 =-
One shop owner asks another, "So, have you had any responses to your ad that  you're looking for a night watchman?"

"Yeah, we got robbed last night."

-= 6 =-
A young man walked into our insurance office to purchase coverage for his new  motorcycle. Only one question confused him. "Do you have a lien holder on the  vehicle?"

"I've got a kickstand," the prospect replied. "Is that the same thing?"

-= 7 =-
Needing to look up a phone number while at a friend's house, my teenage  daughter asked for a phone book. She might as well have asked for a papyrus  scroll.

"A phone book?" asked her friend.

"You know," said my daughter. "A book with numbers in it."

"Oh," said her friend as it dawned on her. "You mean a math book."

-= 8 =-
One day in the army I was assigned KP duty. I reported to the Mess Hall and was told by the sergeant in charge that he wanted me to make 100 gallons of soup  for tonight's dinner. I told him I didn't know how to make soup. He handed me a book and told me to follow the directions carefully.

A couple hours later I had a large kettle of soup simmering. The sergeant came  up and tasted the soup. He took a second spoonful and stood there staring at  me. I thought I had really messed up the soup and was waiting for a reprimand.

Instead he said, "This tastes good... are you sure you followed the recipe?"

-= 9 =-
Suzy Lee fell in love, she planned to marry Joe. She was so happy about it all, she told her pappy so.

Pappy told her, "Suzie Gal, you'll have to find another. I'd just as soon yo  maw don't know, but Joe is yo half-brother."

So Suzie forgot about her Joe and planned to marry Will.

But after telling pappy this, he said "There's trouble still you can't marry  Will, my gal, and please don't tell yo mother, cause Will and Joe and several  mo I know is yo half-brother."

But mama knew and said, "Honey child, do what makes yo happy. Marry Will or  marry Joe, You ain't no kin to pappy!"

-= 10 =-
I handed the teller at my bank a withdrawal slip for $400. I said, "I'd like  large bills, please."

She looked at me and said, "I'm sorry sir, all the bills are the same size."

When I got up off the floor I explained it to her.

--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-6