George,

 GP> Good stuff! I'm leaving it intact so others who only read replies can
 GP> sees it.. . :) It deserves resharing!

  Some of those things have the deal with "if that's not profound, I don't
know what is"...sort of like "You know it's cold outside when you go outside
and it's cold". What was your first clue??!!

 GP> We always appreciate fair credit/citation where it's due & when it's
 GP> known.

  Exactly...I don't believe in plagiarism.

 > * Whoever said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over
 > and over again and expecting different results has obviously never had to
 > reboot a computer.

 GP> Yup, good example of that rule of thumb going into the round file!

  Error: Blue Screen Of Death. Would you like a better OS?? (Y/n)??

 > * Autocorrect can go straight to he'll.

  And autocomplete can go straight to she'll -- as with the old comic strip
"The Lockhorns", with Leroy and Loretta. She said "That's his side of the
story...now, here's mine"...she had to get the last word in.

 > * Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account? They were
 > Prime mates.

 GP> & Prime Apes!

  They monkey around with the photos...two items I ordered weren't what I
thought they'd be. A wallet advertised with RFID (keeps your cards from being
read) and a money clip (I rarely carry cash on me, so that didn't matter),
didn't have "12 pockets for cards" as advertised. You'd have to get a wallet
window extender (you can get those at Wal-Mart). And, a keychain LED light,
while it had a USB charger for it, you had to hold the button down to keep
the light on.

 > * Don't use "beef stew" as a computer password. It's not stroganoff.

  Per the Looney Tunes cartoon "Chow Hound" (1951)..."Anyway, you forgot
the gravy". 

 > * Q. What is the biggest lie in the entire universe?
 > A. "I have read and agree to the Terms & Conditions."

 GP> Yup. . . I expect all are basically, "You must comply with common sense
 GP> &  respect expectations & we must comply with any laws that are in
 GP> effect. Read  carefully, as we might have a few doozies hidden in all
 GP> the obfuscative  boilerplate.

  I remember installing software for my late Mom (I was her computer guru),
and I told her that "you just agreed to the terms and conditions"...both of
us had blank looks on our faces. :P

 > * Why are iPhone chargers not called Apple Juice?!

 GP> I'm now calling my little battery charge holders AJs. . .

  I saw a product from Dr. Leonard's similar to that, but it would be where
you could store all your batteries. I had bought a whole slew of AA batteries
for these small portable fans you can wear around the neck, but I had to also
get some AAA batteries, as my forehead temporal scanner thermometer, and
another item (it escapes me offhand) requires it.

 > * Q. How does a computer get drunk?
 > A. It takes screenshots.

 GP> I take screenshots of government computers & email to myself, then
 GP> drink shots  to celebrate my upcoming payday!

  It's nice when there's a separate utility to do that for you...just click
on the icon, size the image, tell it to save it (name and location), choose
the file type, and that's it.

 > * I just got fired from my job at the keyboard factory. They told me
 > I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
 > * We'll we'll we'll...if it isn't autocorrect.

 GP> "There, their, they're," what to say as you pat the back of an upset
 GP> Grammar  Nazi

  Here, Hear. 

 > * I tried to say, "I'm a functional adult," but my phone changed it to
 > "fictional adult," and I feel like that's more accurate.

 GP> Me, too! I'm living in this Ficton(setting for a fictional
 GP> story/series) -- no  i9dea h ow closely it relates to everyone else's
 GP> Fictons &/or alternative  realities. . .

  The substance of reality is BS -- but cows do as well, and they don't
brag about it. 

 > * I saw a driver texting and driving. It made me so mad I threw my beer
 > at him.
 > * Thanks to autocorrect, 1 in 5 children will be getting a visit from
 > Satan this Christmas.

 GP> Well:
 GP> * both dress in red
 GP> * both come from a place of fire (fireplace or Hell)
 GP> * both seek to usurp God's rightful role in the world
 GP> * St. Nick, Old Nick

  Or the one where at her wedding, Sara Smith wore her Mom's white satan
gown. 

 > * Autocorrect has become my worst enema.
 > * The guy who invented auto-correct for smart phones passed away today.
 > Restaurant in peace.

 GP> Lots of good ones out there; I've Collected hundreds in
 GP> image(screen-captures)  format.. .

  I wonder if he took anything to go?? No, that's Miralax. 

 > * You're sending me something via fax? What is it, an important document
 > from 1993?

 GP> It's very sensitive info, so please fold it in half to hide the content
 GP> before  faxing. . .

  Or have it where the printing is so weak that it looks like you printed it
with invisible ink, and you can't decipher it.

 > * You know it is going to be a bad day when the letters in your alphabet
 > soup spell D-I-S-A-S-T-E-R.

 GP> My bologna has a last name, it's D-I-A-R-R-H-E-A.

 GP> My bologna has a first name, it's R-U-N-N-Y

  Diarrhea is hereditary...it runs in your jeans.

 > * So what if I don't know what "Armageddon" means?
 > It's not the end of the world.

 GP> In Hebrew it's the name spelled out by the Hebrew for 666.

  29A is the hex code for 666. One of the ham radio nets is on that
D-Star Reflector (29A), and the net is called the Digital Radio 
Enthusiasts Net, or DRE -- yet, us males know that means something
completely different...courtesy of Mister Ben Dover. 

 GP> My ex used to move around a lot in bed at night in her sleep -- I was
 GP> often  waking up at the crack of Dawn.

  To me, getting up before sunrise, is before the butt crack of dawn.

 > * Don't you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.

 GP> What if there were no rhetorical questions?

  How about wet-oracle??

 GP> NOSTALGIA(n): the art of remembering the 5c cigars, but forgetting the
 GP> 7c wages.

  Just about. They take so much out of context on prices, etc., that they
intentionally hide the bad things. That's the reason for all the fine print
(done with ant feet) in the documentations.

 > * If we shouldn't eat at night, why do they put a light in the fridge?
 > * Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.

 GP> That brings to mind an old song:
 GP> Five Constipated Men

  That was really moving to my bowels. :P Insomnia hit at 4am today, and
crap it, I couldn't get back to sleep. So, after working at the computer
for an hour, now my eyes are getting tired again...you can't win.

 GP> That's ine, including, "I had to earn whatever I have & I'm not so
 GP> cruel as to  deny doing so to all of you."

  Or "We're spending our children's inheritance". 

 GP> Better than only getting up to have the nurses change the sheets

  I usually have to call the nurse for post potty cleanup...better than
risking a fall.

 > * If the local coffee shop has awarded you "Employee of the Month" and
 > you don't even work there, you may be drinking too much coffee.

 GP> Been close. . .

  Mr. Smith, your blood shows brown cells in your blood. Either you're
full of coffee or crap. :P

Daryl

... Error 63 - Can't locate coffee!! Operator Halted.
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