George,

 GP> Trying this again. . .

  If at first, you don't succeed...try, try again.

  Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it. -- W.C. Fields  

 GP> Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these.
 GP> Because you're a mate, I won't even charge you my usual $19.00
 GP> cancelation fee! ;)

  $19?? What about depreciation?? Shouldn't it be 19 cents?? 

 GP> Husband: Well, don't you remember? When we were leaving the hospital
 GP> that night, you saw the baby had pooped his diaper. Then you said:
 GP> Please go change the baby, I'll wait for you here. So I went inside,
 GP> got a clean one and left the messy one there.

  Sounds like the one that Yakov Smirnoff told. He noted this "baby
changing table" in the bathroom...so he said "you get to change the
baby for another one"...then he added "I'll bet you never look at it
that way". And of course, the whole room was roaring in laughter. 

 GP> This issue's quotable quoters:

 GP> "A man set a new world record after kicking himself in the head 134
 GP> times in one minute. He broke the previous record of zero." -Conan
 GP> O'Brien

  Sounds like Denny Crum, one time Louisville basketball coach, who said 
something like "Our future lies ahead". What was your first clue?? :P

 GP> "A recent study shows that standing at work for long periods of time is
 GP> bad for you, after earlier research indicated that sitting for too long
 GP> at work is bad for you. So really the only thing we know is, work is
 GP> bad for you." -Jimmy Fallon

  Work is also a nasty 4 letter word.

 GP> [I've been saying this next one for years, but HE gets the credit?!]

  And, he's getting paid more money than you are.

 GP> "The only gracious way to accept an insult is to ignore it; if you
 GP> can't ignore it, top it; if you can't top it, laugh at it; if you can't
 GP> laugh at it, it's probably deserved." --Russell Lynes

  Just like the celebrity roasts...you can find a lot of those on YouTube.

 GP> A new report says 60 percent of teenagers don't have even a basic
 GP> knowledge of finances. Although in fairness, I'm 38 and I just found
 GP> out this year that a 401(k) is NOT a type of marathon." -Jimmy Fallon

  [eye roll].

 GP> "Tesla Motors CEO Elon Musk claims he has gotten verbal approval to
 GP> connect New York, Philadelphia, Baltimore, and Washington with a
 GP> high-speed train that runs in an airless tube. While the New York City
 GP> subway just introduced brand-new rotary phones." -Seth Meyers

  I saw where the 3G phone networks will be shutting down soon...and that
eventually, they'll do the same to 4G, to try to get (force) folks to
upgrade to 5G. The thing is, not everyone has a ton of money lying
around to upgrade their phone on a whim. I'm a firm believer in "If it
ain't broke, don't fix it". Why folks have to always have the latest
and greatest item, is beyond me.

 GP> "Scientists believe the first modern Europeans mated with Neanderthals.
 GP> This is the oldest evidence yet of beer goggles." -Conan O'Brien

  They were probably drunk as coots as well.

 GP> "Life in Lubbock, Texas taught me two things: One is that God loves you
 GP> and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most
 GP> awful, filthy thing on earth, and you should save it for someone you
 GP> love." -Butch Hancock

  Never mind a hot time in the old town tonight.

 GP> "You know those little robot vacuums called Roombas? The company that
 GP> makes them says that Roombas have the capability to map out your home
 GP> while they clean it, and it's planning to sell that information to
 GP> Amazon and Google. We all thought that the Roomba was just vacuuming;
 GP> turns out it was casing the joint." -James Corden

  Sure looks that way. Next, it'll send pictures as you enter and leave
the shower, naked as a jaybird.

 GP> "This was a little controversial: Pope Francis recently said that the
 GP> majority of modern Catholic marriages are worthless because couples
 GP> don't always mean it when they say they'll love each other forever. And
 GP> that's the last time Pope Francis was ever asked to give a best man
 GP> speech." -Jimmy Fallon

  I would say so. However, at a nudist wedding, you can always tell who
the blind man is...because it's not hard.

 GP> "A new article states that millennials have terrible conversational
 GP> skills. When asked for comment, millennials texted a series of crying
 GP> frowny faces." -Conan O'Brien

  That's the new language...although BBSing had first dibs on it with
emoticons.

 GP> "So you want the nice romantic evening in my room?" says the old man.

 GP> "Get serious," she replies. "Four times in the rocking chair!"

  Never mind rock around the cock. :P

 GP> -= 4 =-
 GP> We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes; but the plural of ox
 GP> became oxen not oxes. One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
 GP> yet the plural of moose should never be meese. You may find a lone
 GP> mouse or a nest full of mice; yet the plural of house is houses, not
 GP> hice. If the plural of man is always called men, why shouldn't the
 GP> plural of pan be called pen? If I spoke of my foot and show you my
 GP> feet, and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet? If one is a
 GP> tooth and a whole set are teeth, why shouldn't the plural of booth be
 GP> called beeth? Then one may be that, and three would be those, yet hat
 GP> in the plural would never be hose, and the plural of cat is cats, not
 GP> cose. We speak of a brother and also of brethren, but though we say
 GP> mother, we never say methren. Then the masculine pronouns are he, his
 GP> and him, but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.

  Semantics and details.

 GP> -= 5 =-
 GP> A car full of Irish nuns are sitting at a traffic light in down town
 GP> Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them. "Hey,
 GP> show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

 GP> Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and
 GP> says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."

 GP> Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Pish off, ya
 GP> fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls
 GP> off!"

 GP> Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother
 GP> Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?"

  Mother Superior announced at the convent that they had found a case
of gonorrhea. One blonde says "Oh, Thank God!! I'm so sick of Chardonnay!!"

 GP> "Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do
 GP> him any good."

  In south Florida, if you don't know Spanish, you'll have a hard time
getting around.

 GP> I must apologize. I neglected to mention that this report was from
 GP> November 2, 1922, as reported by the AP and published in The Washington
 GP> Post -- 99 years ago. Alarmist global warning even back then.

  There was an episode of Bewitched or I Dream Of Jeannie, where this
newspaper article was from their friends getting involved in all sorts
of accidents. So, either Samantha or Jeannie are trying to get that from
occurring...not realizing it was from an actual event 25 years ago.

 GP> Think about it: the first athlete to take a knee was Tanya Harding!
 GP> (~#~adapted from a Sid Davis joke)

  I thought it was Nancy Kerrigan.

 GP> Waka waka bang splat tick tick hash, Caret quote back-tick dollar
 GP> dollar dash, Bang splat equal at dollar under-score, Percent splat waka
 GP> waka tilde number four, Ampersand bracket bracket dot dot slash,
 GP> Vertical-bar curly-bracket comma comma CRASH!

  The new language.

 GP> There's one day a year that Jews do not eat, it's called Yom Kippur.

 GP> The Irish have this, too, it's called Saint Patrick's Day!

  I saw a T-Shirt and card once for St. Patrick's Day. It said on the
front "To all my friends, Kiss Me, I'm Irish". Then, on the inside,
you see the guy's butt, with the words "To all my enemies, Kiss Me, 
I'm Irish". :P

Daryl

... A male dog is truly an S.O.B. -- and acts like one, too!
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