Trying this again. . .

Welcome to another edition of the Metric Dozen Punnies & Funnies, personally curated by 
yours truly, the Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM.

Please do comment as to which you loved & which you hated. . . 

Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these. Because you're a mate, I 
won't even charge you my usual $19.00 cancelation fee! ;) 

If you're cold &/or depressed, enjoy some free laughs. . .

-= 1 =-
After 10 years, the wife starts to think their child looks a little odd, so she decides to do a 
DNA test. She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different
parents.

Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you.

Husband: What's up?

Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not our child.

Husband: Well, don't you remember? When we were leaving the hospital that night, you 
saw the baby had pooped his diaper. Then you said: Please go change the baby, I'll wait for 
you here. So I went inside, got a clean one and left the messy one there.

-= 2 =-
This issue's quotable quoters:

"A man set a new world record after kicking himself in the head 134 times in one minute. He 
broke the previous record of zero." -Conan O'Brien

"A recent study shows that standing at work for long periods of time is bad for you, after 
earlier research indicated that sitting for too long at work is bad for you. So really the only 
thing we know is, work is bad for you." -Jimmy Fallon

[I've been saying this next one for years, but HE gets the credit?!]

"The only gracious way to accept an insult is to ignore it; if you can't ignore it, top it; if you 
can't top it, laugh at it; if you can't laugh at it, it's probably deserved." --Russell Lynes

A new report says 60 percent of teenagers don't have even a basic knowledge of finances. 
Although in fairness, I'm 38 and I just found out this year that a 401(k) is NOT a type of 
marathon." -Jimmy Fallon

"Tesla Motors CEO Elon Musk claims he has gotten verbal approval to connect New York, 
Philadelphia, Baltimore, and Washington with a high-speed train that runs in an airless tube. 
While the New York City subway just introduced brand-new rotary phones."
-Seth Meyers

"Scientists believe the first modern Europeans mated with Neanderthals. This is the oldest 
evidence yet of beer goggles." -Conan O'Brien

"Life in Lubbock, Texas taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to 
burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth, and you should 
save it for someone you love." -Butch Hancock

"You know those little robot vacuums called Roombas? The company that makes them says 
that Roombas have the capability to map out your home while they clean it, and it's planning 
to sell that information to Amazon and Google. We all thought that the Roomba was just 
vacuuming; turns out it was casing the joint." -James Corden

"This was a little controversial: Pope Francis recently said that the majority of modern 
Catholic marriages are worthless because couples don't always mean it when they say 
they'll love each other forever. And that's the last time Pope Francis was ever asked to give 
a best man speech." -Jimmy Fallon

"A new article states that millennials have terrible conversational skills. When asked for 
comment, millennials texted a series of crying frowny faces." -Conan O'Brien

-= 3 =-
Two elderly residents, a man and a woman, were alone in the lounge of their nursing home 
one evening. The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what you're 
wanting. For $5.00 I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair."

The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word.

The old man continued, "For $10.00 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but 
for $20.00, I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most 
romantic evening you've had in 20 years."

The old lady still says nothing but after a couple of minutes, starts digging down in her 
purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20.00 bill and holds it up.

"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room?" says the old man.

"Get serious," she replies. "Four times in the rocking chair!"

-= 4 =-
We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes; but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes. One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese, yet the plural of moose should never be meese. You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice; yet the plural of house is houses, not hice. If the plural of man is always called men, why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen? If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet, and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet? If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth? Then one may be that, and three would be those, yet hat in the plural would never be hose, and the plural of cat is cats, not cose. We speak of a brother and also of brethren, but though we say mother, we never say methren. Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him, but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.

-= 5 =-
A car full of Irish nuns are sitting at a traffic light in down town Dublin, when a bunch of 
rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them. "Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins!" 
shouts one of the drunks.

Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think 
they know who we are; show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Pish off, ya fookin' little 
wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"

Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite 
innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?"

-= 6 =-
A Swiss guy in New York is looking for directions, so he pulls up at a bus stop where two 
Americans are waiting.

"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks.

The two Americans just stare at him.

"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tries. The two continue to stare.

"Parlare Italiano?" No response.

"Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing.

The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first American turns to the second and 
says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language."

"Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."

-= 7 =-
~#~ from my good mate, the ICE-Man:

Arctic Ice Report: 
(Washington Post November '22)

The Arctic Ocean is warming up, icebergs are growing scarcer and in some places the 
seals are finding the water too hot, according to a report to the Commerce Department from 
Consulate, at Bergen, Norway. 

Reports from fishermen, seal hunters and explorers all point to a radical change in climate 
conditions and hitherto unheard-of temperatures in the Arctic zone.  Exploration expeditions report that scarcely any ice has been met as far north as 81 
degrees 29 minutes. Soundings to a depth of 3,100 meters showed the gulf stream still very 
warm. Great masses of ice have been replaced by moraines of earth and stones, the report 
continued, while at many points well known glaciers have entirely disappeared. Very few 
seals and no white fish are found in the eastern Arctic, while vast shoals of herring and 
smelts which have never before ventured so far north, are being encountered in the old seal 
fishing grounds. Within a few years it is predicted that due to the ice melt the sea will rise 
and make most coastal cities uninhabitable.
********************
I must apologize. I neglected to mention that this report was from November 2, 1922, as 
reported by the AP and published in The Washington Post -- 99 years ago. Alarmist global 
warning even back then. 


No doubt caused by Model T Ford emissions. [yeah, ALL those cars: 111.53 per 1,000 people; now 816/1K, & the Antarctic & its penhuins 
are stil there & still cold; funny, that!]

-= 8 =-
the NFL players are "taking a knee" as ifd they invented the concept. 

Think about it: the first athlete to take a knee was Tanya Harding! (~#~adapted from a Sid 
Davis joke)

-= 9 =-
        
In a recent magazine poll, readers established "waka" as the proper pronunciation for the 
angle-bracket characters . The following poem appeared recently in the magazine.

The text of the poem follows:

 ! * ' ' #
^ " ` $ $ -
! * = @ $ _
% *  ~ # 4
& [ ] . . /
| { , , SYSTEM HALTED

The poem can only be appreciated by reading it aloud, as such:

Waka waka bang splat tick tick hash, Caret quote back-tick dollar dollar dash, Bang splat equal at dollar under-score, Percent splat waka waka tilde number four, Ampersand bracket bracket dot dot slash, Vertical-bar curly-bracket comma comma CRASH!

-= 10 =-
Jews & Irish people -- not really that different. . .

Both take their religion of birth either seriously or not at all.

There's one day a year that Jews do not eat, it's called Yom Kippur.

The Irish have this, too, it's called Saint Patrick's Day!

--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-5