George,

 GP> Been working through a backlog of my sources, so here's another edition
 GP> on top of my earlier one:

  You're on a roll...not sure if it's sweet...or if you're just bageling for
attention. 

 GP> -= 1 =-

 GP> "Ex wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

 GP> "I wasn't," he replied.

  He is now!! :P

 GP> -= 2 =-

 GP> quotables:

 GP> "According to a recent survey, 12 percent of Americans say that it's
 GP> fine to cheat a little on your taxes. While the other 88 percent know
 GP> not to talk to a guy with a clipboard asking them if they cheat on
 GP> their taxes." -Jimmy Fallon

  He has a button that says I.R.S. 

 GP> "Two passengers on a flight to Ibiza over the weekend reportedly had
 GP> sex while in their seats. And nobody was more upset than the guy in the
 GP> middle." -Seth Meyers

  Talk about a mile high threesome. :P

 GP> "Scientists have been able to create baby mice from freeze-dried mouse
 GP> sperm that was kept on the International Space Station. When asked
 GP> about it, the astronauts said, 'Wait a minute, so that WASN'T ice
 GP> cream?'" -Conan O'Brien

   Or did they come up with that on the sperm of the moment, and
I guess the reply got ejaculated...from a rather teste call. Or did they
have the balls for it, say the whole thing was just nuts, and they felt
rather peckerish about it?? (Yes, I'm in one of my nether moods this
morning ).

 GP> "A rare fish normally found only in the Amazon was caught yesterday in
 GP> a New Jersey pond. Researchers believe the fish got to New Jersey the
 GP> same way as everyone else: by giving up." -Seth Meyers

  He should have looked for a cow put out to pasture...an Old Jersey. 

 GP> "A new study found that most people can't go 10 minutes without lying.
 GP> But since the study took 20 minutes nobody knows what to believe."
 GP> -Jimmy Fallon

  All you have to do is look at Congress. 

 GP> "Google is reportedly working on an update to the mobile version of its
 GP> web browser to make it easier for people to use one handed. So I guess
 GP> they're finally admitting what most people are using the Internet for."
 GP> -Seth Meyers

  The ads are click bait, so that makes these folks master baiters. :P

 GP> "A college student in Pennsylvania is suing her school for the C+ she
 GP> got in a class. She said, 'I'm suing whoever's responsible for this!'
 GP> And her professor said, 'Don't you mean WHOMEVER?'" -Jimmy Fallon

  D-Tention, because you're F-ing mad...and that's the ABC's of it.

 GP> "A new poll found that 10 percent of people post vacation photos on
 GP> social media to make others jealous, and 100 percent of people click on
 GP> them to see co-workers in a bathing suit." -Seth Meyers

  Life and one's friends can seem so boring at times.

 GP> "Starbucks is going to start carrying coconut milk. If you want to stay
 GP> competitive in the coffee business you've got to consistently provide
 GP> your customers with new ways to make their orders more annoying."
 GP> -Jimmy Kimmel

  The hurricane told the coconut tree to "hold on to your nuts, as this is
going to be one heck of a blow job".

 GP> "A woman in Muncie, Indiana was arrested after she stabbed her friend
 GP> in the eye with a fork for taking the last rib at a barbecue. I am
 GP> strongly against eye-stabbing. That being said, if you're going to stab
 GP> someone in the eye, this is a reason I can get behind." -James Corden

  Hindsight may be 20/20, but I don't have eyes in my butt. However, I wish
I did at times...so I could see if the toilet seat was down in a darkened
bathroom...or if there was a chair there for when I went to sit down.

 GP> "At the Plaza Hotel, the lights went off right before a couple
 GP> exchanged vows. Even worse, the bride had just said, 'God, if this is a
 GP> mistake, please give me a sign.'" -Jimmy Fallon

  Here's Your Sign, Lady. 

 GP> "At a Walmart in Minnesota, a customer had to tackle a confused deer
 GP> after it wandered into the store. The deer is fine and was released
 GP> back into the wild, which makes this the happiest possible ending to a
 GP> story of a deer walking into one of America's largest suppliers of
 GP> hunting rifles." -James Corden

  Oh, deer...Ven Is Sent Back To Nature.

 GP> -= 3 =

 GP> Her husband said, "They had eggs."
 GP> [makes sense to me!]

  I tried to go through the checkout line that noted "10 items or less". But,
they wouldn't let me go through, because I had a dozen eggs.

 GP> -= 4 =-

 GP> There was a long pause, then his face cleared. "You know, I always
 GP> wondered about that," he said.

  Was the apprentice blonde?? They probably like it light during the day,
and dark at night.

 GP> -= 5 =-

 GP> The priest replies, "Get out of there, you idiot. You're on my side!"

  Mass Mistake. 

 GP> -= 6 =-

 GP> I was at the customer-service desk, returning a pair of jeans that was
 GP> too tight.

 GP> "Was anything wrong with them?" the clerk asked.

 GP> "Yes," I said. "They hurt my feelings."

  Butt, I had to get to the seat of this issue.

 GP> -= 7 =-

 GP> Luckily she got a kick out of it and I sold her the nipples for her
 GP> baby bottles.

  Milked that one for the breast of times, and had good mammaries from the
titilating experience. 

 GP> -= 8 =-

 GP> RUNNING LATE: Official Glossary

  Practically. Like the guy who was noted as "The late John Doe". He was
born late, late to his wedding, and will be late to his funeral.

 GP> -= 9 =-

 GP> He said, "No, Fatty, don't eat anything!"

  Or as ventriloquist Paul Zerdin noted with "a talking elevator" that
scolded the occupant "Get out, Fatty!! You're too heavy!!"...followed
by "Cable Detaching". 

 GP> -= 10 =-

 GP> The waitress took one look at me and told her, "What else you got?"

  That was rich...then again, maybe not. 

Daryl

... Don't iron a 4 leaf clover; Never Press Your Luck.
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