Been working through a backlog of my sources, so here's another edition on top
of my earlier one:

Welcome to another edition of the Metric Dozen Punnies & Funnies, personally
curated by yours truly, the Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM.

Please do comment as to which you loved & which you hated. . . 

Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these. Because
you're a mate, I won't even charge you my usual $19.00 cancelation fee! ;) 

-= 1 =-
Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was organizing his golfing equipment. His
wife was standing nearby watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking,
now that we're married maybe it's time you quit golfing. You spend so much time
on the course. You could probably get a good price for your clubs."

Tim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

"For a minute there you were sounding like my ex-wife."

"Ex wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

"I wasn't," he replied.

-= 2 =-
quotables:

"According to a recent survey, 12 percent of Americans say that it's fine to
cheat a little on your taxes. While the other 88 percent know not to talk to a
guy with a clipboard asking them if they cheat on their taxes." -Jimmy Fallon

"Two passengers on a flight to Ibiza over the weekend reportedly had sex while
in their seats. And nobody was more upset than the guy in the middle." -Seth
Meyers

"Scientists have been able to create baby mice from freeze-dried mouse sperm
that was kept on the International Space Station. When asked about it, the
astronauts said, 'Wait a minute, so that WASN'T ice cream?'" -Conan O'Brien

"A rare fish normally found only in the Amazon was caught yesterday in a New
Jersey pond. Researchers believe the fish got to New Jersey the same way as
everyone else: by giving up." -Seth Meyers

"A new study found that most people can't go 10 minutes without lying. But
since the study took 20 minutes nobody knows what to believe." -Jimmy Fallon

"Google is reportedly working on an update to the mobile version of its web
browser to make it easier for people to use one handed. So I guess they're
finally admitting what most people are using the Internet for." -Seth Meyers

"A college student in Pennsylvania is suing her school for the C+ she got in a
class. She said, 'I'm suing whoever's responsible for this!' And her professor
said, 'Don't you mean WHOMEVER?'" -Jimmy Fallon

"A new poll found that 10 percent of people post vacation photos on social
media to make others jealous, and 100 percent of people click on them to see
co-workers in a bathing suit." -Seth Meyers

"Starbucks is going to start carrying coconut milk. If you want to stay
competitive in the coffee business you've got to consistently provide your
customers with new ways to make their orders more annoying." -Jimmy Kimmel

"A woman in Muncie, Indiana was arrested after she stabbed her friend in the
eye with a fork for taking the last rib at a barbecue. I am strongly against
eye-stabbing. That being said, if you're going to stab someone in the eye, this
is a reason I can get behind." -James Corden

"At the Plaza Hotel, the lights went off right before a couple exchanged vows.
Even worse, the bride had just said, 'God, if this is a mistake, please give me
a sign.'" -Jimmy Fallon

"At a Walmart in Minnesota, a customer had to tackle a confused deer after it
wandered into the store. The deer is fine and was released back into the wild,
which makes this the happiest possible ending to a story of a deer walking into
one of America's largest suppliers of hunting rifles." -James Corden

-= 3 =
A wife asked her husband, "Honey, could you please run to the store and get a
carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get a dozen."

A while later the husband returned with a case of quart milk cartons.

Staring incredulously at the 12-pack case of milk, his wife asked, "Why the
hell did you buy so much milk?"

Her husband said, "They had eggs."
[makes sense to me!]

-= 4 =-
I was working in a scrap yard during summer vacation at engineering university.
I used to work repairing construction equipment.

One afternoon, I was taking apart a piling hammer that had some very large
bolts holding it together. One of the nuts had corroded on to the bolt; to free
it I started heating the nut with an oxy-acetylene torch. As I was doing this,
one of the dimmest apprentices I have ever known came along. He asked me what I
was doing. I patiently explained that if I heated the nut it would grow larger
and release its grip on the bolt so I could then remove it.

"So things get larger when they get hot, do they?" he asked.

Suddenly, an idea flashed into my mind. "Yes," I said, "that's why days are
longer in summer and shorter in winter."

There was a long pause, then his face cleared. "You know, I always wondered
about that," he said.

-= 5 =-
After years being away from the Church a man begins to feel the spiritual pull
again, so he decides to go to confession. He pulls aside the curtain on the
confessional box, enters and sits himself down.

Inside there is an over-stuffed leather armchair next to a little mini-bar
equipped with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, imported beer on ice,
cigars and a box of liqueur chocolates.

He hears a priest enter the other side of the box. "Father, forgive me. It's
been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the
confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

The priest replies, "Get out of there, you idiot. You're on my side!"

-= 6 =-
I was at the customer-service desk, returning a pair of jeans that was too
tight.

"Was anything wrong with them?" the clerk asked.

"Yes," I said. "They hurt my feelings."

-= 7 =-
When I was younger I worked in a Mom and Pop convenience store. A woman came
into the store and walked straight up to me without even shopping and asked if
I had baby nipples.

I told her, "no ma'am, mine are fully grown."

Luckily she got a kick out of it and I sold her the nipples for her baby
bottles.

-= 8 =-
RUNNING LATE: Official Glossary

"On the way." - Still in bed.
"In the car." - In the shower.
"GPS says 35 min." - Getting ready.
"There's traffic." - Leaving the house.
"Parking now." - 15 minutes out.
"Can't find a spot." - 5 minutes out.
"Walking in." - Looking for a spot.

-= 9 =-
I just had a physical. The doctor said don't eat anything fatty.

I said, "Like bacon and cheeseburgers?"

He said, "No, Fatty, don't eat anything!"

-= 10 =-
My wife and I had just finished a meal at one of our local restaurants when I
realized I'd left my wallet at home. As the wife headed to the door to retrieve
her purse from the car, she told the waitress what had happened, adding, "But
don't worry, I'm leaving my husband for collateral."

The waitress took one look at me and told her, "What else you got?"


Your friend,

<+]:{)}
Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM
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