Welcome to another edition of the Metric Dozen Punnies & Funnies, personally
curated by yours truly, the Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM.

Please do comment as to which you loved & which you hated. . . 

Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these. Because
you're a mate, I won't even charge you my usual $19.00 cancelation fee! ;) 

-= 1 =-
Fun fact for those going hiking in Bear Country
If it’s brown lie down (play dead)
If it’s black, fight back (self-explanatory)
If it’s white, goodnight (You’re cooked)
Fun Advice: don't. Watch them on NatGeo instead.

-= 2 =-
from the quotables:

"New research finds that people who are bullies are more likely to get plastic
surgery. Unfortunately, the nerds they bullied are more likely to be plastic
surgeons. 'Well, well, well, look who we have here!'" -Jimmy Fallon

"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for
that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." -Drew Carey

"One of the winners of this year's Scripps National Spelling Bee has an older
brother who won the competition in 2014. Or as their dad put it, 'I'm just
going to throw these baseball mitts away.'" -Jimmy Fallon

"Just in time for Mother's Day, Dove is selling body wash in six different
bottles, to represent the different shapes of women's bodies. Yep, it's being
called the perfect gift if you want to offend your mom." -Jimmy Fallon

-= 3 =-
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It
takes up a lot of your time. What do you get in the end of it? Death. What's
that...a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards.

(1) You should die first, you know, start out dead, get it out of the way. You
wake up in a an old age home, feeling better every day.

(2) You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, then,
when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

(3) You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You
drink alcohol, you party, play golf, you're generally promiscuous (hey, you've
only got a few years left, what's the big deal?!?) and you get ready for High
School.

(4) Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no
responsibilities, and, finally, you become a baby;

(5) The last step, you spend your last 9 months floating peacefully with
luxuries like central heating, spa, room service on tap, larger quarters
everyday, then you finish off as an orgasm!

-= 4 =-
Two buddies were getting dressed in the locker room after a workout, when the
first man saw something that give him a bit of a shock.

"How long have you been wearing that bra?" the man asked his friend.

The friend replies, "Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment."

-= 5 =-
My wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that 'help'
you get an erection.

You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills!

I'm still looking for a place to live.

-= 6 =-
Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally grabbed a bottle of
Liquid Paper. I woke up this morning with a huge correction.

-= 7 =-
Q. What is the definition of Blood, Sweat and Tears?

A. A blonde on her period standing in front of a tampon machine with a bent
quarter.

-= 8 =-
I was in a pub last Saturday night, and after drinking a few I noticed two very
robust-looking women at the bar. They both had pretty strong accents, so I
asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland?"

One of them snapped back, saying, "It's Wales, you idiot!"

I immediately apologized. "I'm sorry," I said, "are you two whales from
Ireland?"

-= 9 =-
A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you
probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're
going to be okay, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we
couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9,000 in insurance
compensation coming and we now have the technology to build you a new penis.
They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1,000 an inch."

The man perks up.

"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I
understand that you have been married for over twenty years and this is
something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before
and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher
before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be
disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a
decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes," says the man.

"So what is it going to be?" asks the doctor.

The man says, "We're getting new granite counter tops."

-= 10 =-
When our ship stopped in the Atlantic Ocean for a 'swim call,' the chief
boatswain noticed how nervous I was. "Don't worry," he assured me. "You are
never more than three miles from land." Then he added, "Straight down."

Your friend,

<+]:{)}
Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM
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