Welcome to another edition of the Metric Dozen Punnies & Funnies.

Please do comment as to which you loved & which you hated. . . 

Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these. Because
you're a mate, I won't even charge you my usual $19.00 cancelation fee! ;) 

-= 1 =-
A young man has been experiencing pains in his abdomen so goes to visit his GP.
After some tests the doctor says, I've got your results back and there's good
news and bad news.

Ok doc, give me the bad news first. The doc says I'm afraid you have an
inoperable tumor in your bowel. It's terminal and you have around 3 years to
live.

Cripes, doc, and the good news?

You also have Alzheimer's.

-= 2 =-
Speaking of Arizona, I never mesa butte I didn't like.

-= 3 =-
Did you hear about the Italian chef who died?
Yup, he pasta  way.
We cannoli do so much
His legacy will become a pizza history.
He simply ran out of thyme.
I know, I know... too cheesy!

-= 4 =-
Funny flight attendant
https://youtu.be/1AE_hjOLDtU

-= 5 =-
1963 Camp Granada Song--Allan Shermam
https://youtu.be/4yFTOvO0utY

-= 6 =-
A 10-year-old girl asked her mother, "Mommy, how was I born?"

The mother smiled and replied, "Once upon a time me and your daddy decided to
plant a wonderfruyl little seed.  Daddy put it in the Earth and I took care of
it ever single day.

After a while, the seed begabn t o grow more & more leaves and in a few months
it turned into a beautifo healthy plant.

So we took the plant, dried it, smoked it, and got so high we forgot to wear a
condom.

-= 7 =-
One rainy Halloween in an introvert's home:

Friend1: What is that around your ankle?
Friend2: A house arrest bracelet.
F1: OMG! Why? What did you do?
F2: Nothing. It's fake.
F1: Why on earth would you wear a fake         house arrest ankle bracelet?
F2: Ask me if I want to go to a party tonight?
F1: Umm, okayyy. Wanna go to a party tonight?
F2: Can't. *points to ankle*

-= 8 =-
~# via Facebook #~
[InspireU] Portering Troubles

I love this reminder from Elizabeth Gilbert:
“Some years ago, I was stuck on a crosstown bus in New York City during rush
hour. Traffic was barely moving. The bus was filled with cold, tired people who
were deeply irritated with one another, with the world itself. Two men barked
at each other about a shove that might or might not have been intentional. A
pregnant woman got on, and nobody offered her a seat. Rage was in the air; no
mercy would be found here.
But as the bus approached Seventh Avenue, the driver got on the
intercom."Folks," he said, "I know you have had a rough day and you are
frustrated. I can’t do anything about the weather or traffic, but here is what
I can do. As each one of you gets off the bus, I will reach out my hand to you.
As you walk by, drop your troubles into the palm of my hand, okay? Don’t take
your problems home to your families tonight, just leave them with me. My route
goes right by the Hudson River, and when I drive by there later, I will open
the window and throw your troubles in the water."
It was as if a spell had lifted. Everyone burst out laughing. Faces gleamed
with surprised delight. People who had been pretending for the past hour not to
notice each other’s existence were suddenly grinning at each other like, is
this guy serious?
Oh, he was serious.
At the next stop, just as promised, the driver reached out his hand, palm up,
and waited. One by one, all the exiting commuters placed their hand just above
his and mimed the gesture of dropping something into his palm. Some people
laughed as they did this, some teared up but everyone did it. The driver
repeated the same lovely ritual at the next stop, too. And the next. All the
way to the river.
We live in a hard world, my friends. Sometimes it is extra difficult to be a
human being. Sometimes you have a bad day. Sometimes you have a bad day that
lasts for several years. You struggle and fail. You lose jobs, money, friends,
faith, and love. You witness horrible events unfolding in the news, and you
become fearful and withdrawn. There are times when everything seems cloaked in
darkness. You long for the light but don’t know where to find it.
But what if you are the light? What if you are the very agent of illumination
that a dark situation begs for?. That’s what this bus driver taught me, that
anyone can be the light, at any moment. This guy wasn’t some big power player.
He wasn’t a spiritual leader. He wasn’t some media-savvy influencer. He was a
bus driver, one of society’s most invisible workers. But he possessed real
power, and he used it beautifully for our benefit.
When life feels especially grim, or when I feel particularly powerless in the
face of the world’s troubles, I think of this man and ask myself, What can I
do, right now, to be the light? Of course, I can’t personally end all wars, or
solve global warming, or transform vexing people into entirely different
creatures. I definitely can’t control traffic. But I do have some influence on
everyone I brush up against, even if we never speak or learn each other’s name.
"No matter who you are, or where you are, or how mundane or tough your
situation may seem, I believe you can illuminate your world. In fact, I believe
this is the only way the world will ever be illuminated, one bright act of
grace at a time, all the way to the river."~~
~ Elizabeth Gilbert

-= 9 =-
Allan Sherman's "Dad Hates the Beatles"

https://youtu.be/Jj-2Tcuzy0I

Where were you in this Beatles vs parent equation, in 1964 & onwards?

-= 10 =-
If you haven't experienced the family safe humour & music of Tim Hawkins yet,
do as I did, & hunt up ALL his amazing songs!
Here's a nice sampling:
https://youtu.be/yTrXAtIdrBY

Your friend,

<+]:{)}
Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Linux