Welcome to another edition of the Metric Dozen Punnies & Funnies.

Please do comment as to which you loved & which you hated. . . 

Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these. Because
you're a mate, I won't even charge you my usual $19.00 cancelation fee! ;) 

-= 1 =-
~#~ from my Kiwi mate, the ICEMan:
Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

-= 2 =-
Q: Humphrey Bogart once did a short movie on mathematics for Canada's national
education ministry; what was its title?
A: "Here's looking at Euclid."

-= 3 =-
A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door. A
boy, about 9, opened the door.

"Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.

"No, they went to town."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No, he went with Mom and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to
the other, and mumbling to himself.

"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can
give Dad a message."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to
your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy
pregnant!!"

The boy thought for a moment.

"You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for
the bull and $50 for the boar, but I don't know how much he charges
for Howard."

-= 4 =-
When porn stars take off their clothes, they're actually getting dressed for
work.

-= 5 =-
The 5 most dangerous questions women ask men

http://bootstrike.com/LaughterHell/Love/love30.php

-= 6 =-
Many of you will remember Archie Campbell from Hee-Haw, and he was a regular at
the Grand Old Oprey,   Decades before 'Blue Collar Comedy', guys like Campbell
and Grandpa Jones were selling the country comedy shtick to southern audiences.

I'm not big on the Jeff Foxworthy and Cable Guy thing, but Archie Campbell is
okay in my book.  I dig that old school comedy delivery of punch line after
punch line.  I get bored of the modern day comedians' constant desire to shock
and offend, their need to insert religious/political opinions, and their
incessant self deprecation.  There's something to be said for just a nice set
up and delivery. I can do without the comedians' personal baggage - just give
me the jokes asshole. Quit trying to be Bill Hicks.

Here's a selection of jokes from Campbell's 1968 book Bedtime Stories for
Adults.  No need to worry about it being for adults, though - even by 1960's
standards, it's absolutely filth free. Enjoy.



Teacher- Jake is the world round or flat?
Jake- My daddy says its crooked.

A traveling salesman stopped at a country store and saw a man playing checkers
with, of all things, a dog. After watching a few minutes he said, "I think
that's the smartest dog I ever saw". The man said, "Oh he ain't so smart, I
beat him three out of five".

Joe- I passed by your house last night and saw you kissing your wife.
Bill- Ha ha, the joke's on you, 1 wasn't even home last night.

-= 7 =-
If you liked that last batch, here's my favourite type from Archie:
https://youtu.be/lpfJwUyONnc

-= 8 =-
One Hippopotami
Allan Sherman
One hippopotami cannot get on a bus,
Because one hippopotami is two hippopotamus
And if you have two goose, that makes one geese
A pair of mouse is mice A pair of moose is meese

A paranoia is a bunch of mental blocks
And when Ben Casey meets Kildaire, that's called a paradox
When two minks fall in love, with all their heart and soul,
You'll find the plural of two minks is one mink stole

Singulars and plurals are so different, bless my soul
Has it ever occurred to you that the plural of half is whole?

A bunch of tooth is teeth a group of foot is feet
And two canaries make a pair, they call it a parakeet
A paramecium is not a pair
A parallelogram is just a crazy square

Nobody knows just what a paraphernalia is
And what is half a pair of scissors, but a single sciz?
With someone you adore, if you should find romance,
You'll pant, and pant once more, and that's a pair of pants!

Source: LyricFind
Songwriters: Busch Lou / Allan Sherman / Lou Busch

Song version, with picture slide show:
https://youtu.be/umlBrQoG6xk

-= 9 =-
Q: What magic spell does Harry Potter cast when he's constipated?
A: Expoolianus!

-= 10 =-
An elderly, white-haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening
with a beautiful young blonde at his side. 
He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. 

The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000 ring. The old
man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another
ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only £40,000," he said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The
old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By
cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque clears so I'll write it now, and
you can call the bank on Monday morning to verify the funds and I'll pick the
ring up on Monday afternoon," he said.. 

On Monday morning, the jeweller 'phoned the old man and said "Sir, there's no
money in that account." 

"I know," said the old man, "but let me tell you about my weekend!"

MORAL: Not All Seniors Are Senile!

Your friend,

<+]:{)}
Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM
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