George,

 >   "I Like My Butt Rubbed, And My Pork Pulled". 

 GP> At least they didn't reference jerking their meat!

  That's what chef Paula Deen did on an episode of Emeril Lagasse LIVE,
on The Food Network awhile back.

  She was making a classic southern breakfast...we're talking biscuits,
gravy, sausage, ham, bacon, eggs, tomatoes, hash browns, pancakes, etc.

  [A short pause for drooling ].

  Well, she's prepping up boneless pork chops, and she has this special
tenderizer, to make the meat melt in your mouth (like roast). In talking
about that item, she said "I use this to beat my meat with". 

  That's a euphemism for masturbation...and the audience busted out in
raucous laughter!! Emerile got this horrified look on his face, and
admonished "Don't even go there!!". The black guy, on the drums, in the
band, was about to spit his teeth out of his mouth".   

 GP> Why would he slide into first? I was taught, in Little League, that
 GP> it's the one base you never need to slide into. . .

  Don't know why. It may have been another base, but all I remember is
that he stood up, dropped his pants to shake the dirt out, then realized
where he was. :P

 GP> Yup -- as I counsel teens "f***ing makes babies" (these are today's
 GP> street wise ones who need to hear it in plain language, as the typical
 GP> stuff obviously wasn't getting through)

  Sad, but true.  

 GP> Explain this osmosisd thing, vis-a-vis pregnancy?

  I guess they think if a man and woman are in a ballroom dance position,
close up, even though they're dressed, she's going to get pregnant.

 GP> In California, aguy was accused of being the father of a teen girl's
 GP> baby. He denied it, on the basis they were only friends & had nevere
 GP> had sex -- the paternirty test cleared him.

  There was one of those judges shows, where it showed that the supposed
Dad of the baby, wasn't. The Mom was furious that she got caught.

 GP> On appeaL, the judge ordered him to pay child supprt until the child
 GP> turned 18, because "a child needs two parents."

  That's true.

 GP> Q: What is another name for a paternity test?
 GP> A: A pop quiz!

  That's what happens after you visited the Coca-Cola or Pepsi plant.

 GP> Did you hear about the place in Indiana that does paternity testing?
 GP> It's called "Hoosier Daddy"

  Or, as ventriloquist Todd Oliver's dog, Irving, asks "Who's Your 
Doggie??". 

 GP> 9 months really isn't that long...
 GP> It just feels like a maternity.

  The preacher's son asked his Dad how long he and his Mom were married
before he was born. The reply: "Nine months". Three guesses as to what
they did on the honeymoon, and the first two don't count. Or is a
honeymoon when your spouses flashes their butt cheeks at you?? 

 GP> My son just became a father for the first time today and in passing on
 GP> the paternal torch...
 GP> ...when he asked me where I kept all my dad jokes, I told him that they
 GP> were stored in my dadabase.…

  Experience is the best teacher.

 GP> My kid asked "GROSS!! How can you fart so much!?!?"
 GP> I said, "That's just what happens when you become a dad... all of these
 GP> paternal in-stinks just start coming out!"

  While in the hospital, the housekeeping lady said she was in an elevator,
and the male doctor in there "let one go". She said "it took all I had to
keep from laughing". 

  My late wife, Janice, had a saying for belches and farts...

  "Better out, than let it be. For that was the death of Mary Lee". 
Apparently, she held both in so long, that her bladder and colon
burst.

 GP> Drew Carey has created a new paternity reality show
 GP> It's called, "who's loin is it anyway..."

  The thighs are right. 

Daryl

... Newspaper Headline: "Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant."
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