George,

 GP> You might've had a partial hearing deficiency, especially if lower
 GP> notes & your teacher was male -- I had trouble with male terachers
 GP> (either hearing or ego clashes--thery thought they were smarter than me
 GP> =-- I KNEW I was the smarter one! (in many cases I really was)

  I don't think I had a male teacher (except for physical education) until
high school.

  Everyone...humans and animals...have selected hearing. When your spouse
or significant other wants you to do something...or you yell a command to
your dog or cat. When you mention "a treat", they come running. 

 GP> My dad taught me that the only real authority is God & He grants some
 GP> of His to parents, who grant an even more limited authority, through
 GP> democracy, to government, judges, & cops doing their job(an important
 GP> qualifier); I teach my son the same.

  True. He's The One Who Made The Rules, and so many in the world today
have a conniption (sp?) fit with that. Well, on Judgment Day, Perry Mason
won't be able to help these folks. 

 GP> Claiming to know better & have more authority than God never ends well
 GP> (ask Nebuchadnezzar & John Lennon)

  In the comic strip Crock, they noted this Sphinx like structure, they 
called Ne-boo-kon-eezer.  It was centered around a Foreign Legion post,
and one day, the commander was coming around, apparently in repentant tears,
apologizing for all the mean things he had done, and that he'd change his
ways. In the last frame, the chef says "No soup for a week...someone stole
all of our onions". 

 GP> I'm a hypocrit, of course, as I'm human -- I'm definitely obese; by the
 GP> grace of God I'm not yet diabetic, but I'm well aware of the dangers
 GP> there.

  Same here. But, I believe in the balanced diet...in the belly and in the
butt cheeks.  My favorite on that is from a skit the late Red Skelton
told...I may have shared this before, but it's still funny.

  He said that one day, his wife was telling him was getting "a bit round 
around the edges", and she admonished him "if you don't lose weight, I'm 
going to make you wear one of my girdles".

  Admidst audience laughter, Red lamented "I know what you dear ladies go
through". He said his wife didn't say anything else to him...and he walked
into the bathroom, and found this thing on the door.

  He goes into this pantomime about putting it on like a diaper. He is
sweating like a horse under the hot stage lights, and the entire audience
is roaring in laughter. His wife walks in and demands "What in the world
are you doing??!!". Out of breath, he says "OK, honey. You win. I'll lose
weight"...and she screams "You take off my hot water bottle!!" .

 GP> I'm trying to bring it down, even if only to make climbing the stairs
 GP> not so near to a life or death activity. . .

  I hate steps and stairs. Those on the Amtrak Superliners are very narrow
and hard to get up and down.

 GP> My wife & I agree: we don't want her collercting on the life insurance
 GP> quite yet . . . (she SAYS so, but. . . *LOL* J/King)

  Be glad she didn't read that. 

 GP> Not for me -- I prefer real, fresh caught, wild Pacific Sockeye salmon,
 GP> when I can find some affordably. & I just don't eat peas.

  I prefer the English peas...and have some microwave peas and carrots in
the freezer, along with some chicken nuggets. I might make that for lunch
today or dinner tonight...and take a break from lunch meat sandwiches. I'm
staying at home, and not going out, unless I have to. If there's "junk mail"
in the Post Office Box, I let it sit there.

 GP> I've been known to say, "I'm not as good as I once was, but I'm as good
 GP> once as I ever was."

  You've heard the song, then. 

 GP> Like the difference between Fear & Panic, for men:

 GP> FEAR: first time you can't do it a second time.
 GP> PANIC: second time you can't do it a first time.

  Really.

 GP> I'm talking semi trucks, with fully loaded trailers.

  I heard of a truck hauling things like spaghetti, lasgna, etc. It got
stuck on a railroad crossing, and got T-boned by a train, scattering
the cargo everywhere. The meme noted "Garfield is livid with rage". 

 GP> My brother was crossing in a city intersection on the green when he got
 GP> t- boned by a full garbage truck coming down a long steep hill at full
 GP> speed, no brakes.

  Bummer.

 GP> It really grinds my gears when people say stick-shift is obsolete.

  There was a carjacking incident here recently. The thug forced the driver
out of the car at an intersection (the thug had a gun), so the driver 
complied. But, the driver had the last laugh...the car was not automatic
transmission, but manual (stick-shift). After only a couple of blocks, the
thug stopped the car, got out, and ran off. The driver called the police
to report it, so they could get fingerprints, etc. -- then, he got in the
car and drove away. 

  There is a move in square dancing (one of my other hobbies) called "Slip
The Clutch". It basically means drop your hands with the dancer you have a
hold of, and step forward. I thought that's what I'd do to my late father's
1963 Volkswagen...I knew how to work it, but never got coordinated enough
to do so (shifting gears).

 GP> Most people like their music bass-boosted, but it seems like too much
 GP> treble.

  Some of these cars have the bass so maxed out, that it shakes their
vehicle, and every other vehicle near it...that you'd think an earthquake
was in progress.

 GP> When an astronaut drinks tea, he takes a big space-sip.

  Tang it!! 

 GP> The best electricity puns are live wires. Coppers really don’t know how
 GP> to resist these in a coil. If you make enough of this type of pun you
 GP> can really blow their fuses. You need to be smart about how you conduct
 GP> these so you don’t overload your capacitors.

  But, they are all female, and you better resistor, as the relationship
can be shocking. 

 GP> The only kind of rap I like is the wrapping paper on gifts.

  Years ago, this ventriloquist had a "dummy" named "Shotgun Red" (I don't
remember the name of the ventriloquist. Anyway, I saw him at a show, and he
said "You know what I think of rap music?? Put a "C" in front of it!!". I
couldn't have said it better. I think "is the tribal beat and the constant
profanity the only things they understand??". It's as if they want to remain
uneducated.

 GP> Scissors always cut to the point.

  That was a very cutting truth, no other way to slice it.

 GP> Airplane puns always fly overhead. You have to be careful so you don’t
 GP> stall out. Always use better judgement so you nose how to dive. When
 GP> used correctly, this pun classification can really propel to infinity
 GP> and beyond. However, if misused, the fall from grace is full of
 GP> turbulence.

  It's not the fall out of a plane, or the plane plunging to the ground
that kills you. It's the sudden stop at the end.

 GP> When working with electricity puns always make sure to be grounded to
 GP> prevent shocking results.

  Voltage: How old the electricity in your line is.

 GP> Mr. Tea says, "Don’t be a fool, stay in school!"

  It reminds me of the sequence from the movie "End Of The Line", filmed
back in the 1980's (much of it in Arkansas). The exchange was with the 2
grizzled railroaders who had lost their jobs (the son-in-law of the now
chairman of the board, was converting the company from railroad to air
freight. The son-in-law hated trains...his father-in-law loved them).

  Anyway, the exchange went like this:

Leo: You know, Haney?? I was taking a shower the other day, and I was
trying to remember The Pledge Of Allegiance. You know, the American one??
And, hell!! I couldn't get it to come to me.

Haney: Well sir, grade school was a long time ago.

Leo: Yes, sir. That's what kept me out of high school.

  I heard one Arkansas film historian note "you can't get any more
Arkansas than that". In fact, the Looney Tunes cartoon, "Hillbilly
Hare", had Bugs Bunny in the Arkansas Ozarks...and he ends up 
calling a square dance, and has the 2 hillbillies who were after
him, to beat the crap out of each other. The director, Chuck Jones,
was at one time, a square dance caller, and he was also the Grand
Marshall at the first National Square Dance Convention in Riverside,
California in 1951.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m9SrXRNPRCA

  (Lyrics included in case it's hard to understand).

 GP> i c e i c e w a t e r

  "I don't drink water. Fish [have sex] in it". - W.C. Fields

 GP> I’ll do algebra. I’ll even do calculus. But graphing is where I draw
 GP> the line.

  Algebra is what the little mermaid wears.

 GP> Plants should always rooted in the ground.

  Just don't have a dachshund did the hole for you...he'll make it
too big.

 GP> Never argue with people when they are right or nobody will be left
 GP> hanging out with you.

  So many feel that:

1) I may not always be right, but I'm never wrong.
2) I may be wrong, but I doubt it.
3) I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken.

 GP> Rocks make boulder moves. This means they are pelite and not jagged.
 GP> Don’t take these puns for granite.

  You have a stoned personality.

 GP> Cheese puns are grate because you don’t have to ask for parmesan to use
 GP> them.

  It's not easy being Cheesy...just ask Chester Cheetah. :P

 GP> Eskimos have cold personality. It is an ice society, but some of their
 GP> history chills my spine.

  If they sit on the ice too long, they get Polaroids.

 GP> My dog died a few years ago. It was really ruff.

  I've got a rock garden. Last week, 3 of them died.

 GP> I am not a fan of wind turbines.

  You can get blown away otherwise.

 GP> Life is like driftwood. You never know where you will float.

  I've got a big piece of driftwood in the living room above the
piano. I haven't played it in years, and I'm sure it's out of tune.

 GP> Christmas lights stick together. When one goes out, they all do.

  That's for sure...then, it takes forever to find the bad bulb.

 GP> Puns about communism are only funny if everyone gets them.

  Just don't air your dirty Lenin in public.  

 GP> Rocket scientists cannot fuel around or something bad can happen.

  Then, it's not rocket science.

 GP> A baker is someone who kneads to make baked goods.

  That's because they knead the dough.

 GP> I sometimes wear stripes to avoid being spotted.

Ted: I keep seeing spots before my eyes.
Red: Have you seen a doctor??
Ted: No, just spots.

 GP> Sponges are great at absorbing liquids.

  For a real sponge cake, borrow all the ingredients.

 GP> Contrary to the name, relationships have nothing to do with boats.

  Too many of them are shipwrecked by the simplest things.

Daryl

... To the guy who invented zero: Thanks for nothing
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