In short, Laurel believes people should look after their Aged
Parents & other relatives by sharing living space with them... while
Fern believes they should "put them in a home".  I'm sure they'd
both like me to say they're right
... and maybe they are, to the extent that they've done what they think is
best for their own families... but I don't see a
"one-size-fits-all" solution there. I may be able to help others
determine what will work for them, though....  :-)


          I've put the following in question-and-answer format for
convenience. While the "Q." portions are typically presented as
simple statements of fact, I sense underlying doubt about what to do next. 
So in effect this is a FAQ list:

 Q.  She can't cook or do housework any more.
 A.  Okay.  She can eat at the Seniors' Centre, where they do a very nice lunch
     for about five dollars.  She can have food delivered by Meals on Wheels or
     by a nearby restaurant.  She can hire somebody to do housework.  There are
     endless possibilities, but you may have to help her think outside the box.

 Q.  She has [such-and-such medical condition].
 A.  I don't mean to sound unsympathetic, but so what?  I know other folks with
     this condition who work for a living, raise children, and otherwise appear
     to carry on as usual.  What limitations does it place on her activities...
     e.g. does she need help with dressing & bathing, and who can provide that?

 Q.  She can't go out because she uses an oxygen bottle.
 A.  Hmm... my aunt travelled from Saskatchewan to Vancouver Island with one of
     those things!  I've also seen folks in the local shopping area using them.
     IMHO we need a bit more information there.  If she's too weak to pick up a
     newspaper & feels completely exhausted by the time she's made it as far as
     the front door, she's in good company.  Dallas & I know a number of people
     like that... and *not one of them* uses an oxygen bottle.  I'm sure Dallas
     would gladly explain how such devices work if she's actually interested in
     going out.  If not, there may be reasons she hasn't consciously recognized
     or is reluctant to mention.  One possibility is that she just doesn't have
     the energy any more.  Another is that she needs to be close to a washroom.
     Meanwhile the oxygen bottle diverts attention from the real issues.  OTOH,
     maybe she didn't know there are portable models & neither did you....  :-)

 Q.  We can't afford to move and/or to modify the house.
 A.  I can relate, but what do you propose to do instead?  If you want somebody
     else to look after Granny that will probably cost money.  A lot depends on
     what level of care is needed & how the persons concerned feel about living
     under the same roof.  A lot may depend on her life expectancy too.  Dallas
     & I ignored the folks who advised us to move, BTW, and modified our living
     quarters to suit Nora.  But both my parents were in extended care....  :-)

 Q.  She's forgetful & confused... she's been acting very peculiar.
 A.  The same could be said for many other people at times, regardless of their
     age.  Are you concerned about it primarily because she's an old lady??  If
     she piles unopened mail on the kitchen table because she can't distinguish
     between bills & advertising flyers, she may need your help with that.  But
     it's not an argument for changing her place of residence because you would
     probably be doing the same thing whether she lived in the next room or the
     next county.  If you're afraid to let her out of your sight because she is
     playing with matches or drinking bleach... that's different.  She needs to
     be in a setting where other people can help you to monitor her activities.
     This could be your home or an institution, depending on the circumstances.


          Standard disclaimer:  The names I've used are fictitious.  The
events are a composite picture of what I've observed & what has been
reported by other folks involved in the care of Aged Parents etc.  And I've
used female names not to ignore men, but because women outnumber them ten
to one after a certain age.




--- timEd/386 1.10.y2k+