> 1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press
 > Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

I just tell my clients "that big long one at the front of your keyboard"

Most compouter problems are due to an I.D TEN t. error (ID10T)
or a loose nut in front of the keyboard;
Or it's a standard wetware problem. Solution: return the computer to the
store, you're too dumb to own one.

 > 3. A Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax
 > anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered
 > the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the
 > monitor screen and hitting the "Send" key.

Then there was the secretary of undisclosed natural hair colour, who 
comlained her fax recipient kept getting a blank document.
(she'd folded the fax before sending because it was marked "Top Secret don't
show anybody")

 > 4. Another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer
 > worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and
 > soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing 
them
 > individually.

The official wayu to clean an IBM keyboard, I kid you not, is to turn it
upside down & bang it onto your desk (might not work on the newer ones -- the
old ones were built like a Schick Brickhouse.  I had one for the original PC 
I had, that weighed about 5 pounds! (the mouse weighed darn near a pound
itself!)

 > 5. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged 
because
 > his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid." The tech explained
 > that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be 
taken
 > personally.

... On a clear disk you can seek forever. . .
... Today: the dawn of a new error. . .

  > 8. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand new
computer
 > wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there
 > for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened
 > when she pressed the power switch, she asked, "What power switch?"

One guy was directed to the power switch, turned it on then asked, "Holy 
crud, what's that noise?!" 

 
 > Have a blessed day, and enjoy your computer!!!

I tried to bless the rains down in Africa...
It was a Toto failure.

I had my pastor bless a bottle of mercury for me.
I love my Christian Heavy Metal.

What does the Pope say when he wants to bless a pack of cigarettes?
Holy smokes! [the other, usurper, Pope!)

She: Don't forget we have the cable guy coming later today?
He: What time?
She: At two.
He: Bless you!
She: What?
She: Okay, enough with the dumb jokes, buster, or I'm leaving!!

Bless me, Father
for I have sneezed

Why did the reverend bless his milk?
To pastorize it

Q: What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A: A shoe.

Knock knock. 
Who's there?
Hatch.
Hatch who?
Bless you.

Your friend,

<+]:{)}
Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM
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